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-   -   Issues with leaving the house so he and his OT can play (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68544)

lyrias9 01-21-2014 07:11 PM

Issues with leaving the house so he and his OT can play
My partner and I are poly and recently moved in together. Due to some stressful life situations we've both made the decision not to pursue any serious relationships at the moment and are sticking with our FWB's until we feel settled in our own lives and with each other.

One of his friends is coming home from a long time away and he's very excited to see her. They're very good friends as well as play partners and although we've never met I've heard stories and seen pictures and I'm aware of their connection and relationship. It's been intended on all sides that she and I will meet when she got back as we'd probably get on quite well.

The problem I'm having is that a few days ago he told me that they're planning for her to come over in a couple of weeks so that they can catch up and have some playtime. Implied in this is that I have to find something to do that night. My reaction was to get very upset and uncomfortable. Originally it was simply at the idea that I was being kicked out of my own house so that he could get some that bothered me. He quickly realized his mistake and acknowledged that asking would have been more appropriate, and we talked about it.

It's three days later and I'm still not ok with it and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not. I understand their situation, due to her living arrangements at the moment he isn't able to go to her house. I just feel uncomfortable with the idea of him having sex with someone at our shared living space, and that I have to leave so they can do it. This is the first time this sort of situation has come up and so I don't know how to deal with it. He's trying to be understanding and make compromises to help me feel better about it, but he doesn't understand why it's a big deal for me. If the situation were reversed, he'd be more than happy to wander off for an evening so I could have someone over. He's offered to have me meet her beforehand, I've made requests like no sex in the bedroom, but I'm still having issues.

I suppose my questions revolve around whether is this is a reasonable reaction on my part, or if I'm making a big deal out of nothing. If anyone has been in a situation like this before, how do you deal with it? Are there rules that you set up with your partner, does it help? Do most poly couples have other partners over when the other is away or is the home off limits?

I would really appreciate any insight, I feel like I'm drowning a bit with this.


Derbylicious 01-21-2014 07:16 PM

Can they go to a hotel? You shouldn't be kicked out of your own space if you don't want to leave. If you have other plans and are going to be out anyway, great! If not he needs to find an alternative plan. It's your house too.

Inyourendo 01-21-2014 07:34 PM

Sounds like they need to go halfsies on a motel room.

Inyourendo 01-21-2014 07:38 PM

Ive taken the kids out of the house a couple hours before because N wanted someone who couldn't host come over. I don't mind that occasionally but usually his fwb host (J spends the night in our bed or she has sex with him while im keeping the kids occupied during the day.

Magdlyn 01-21-2014 11:19 PM

I think the decision to leave or go is entirely up to you. If you are resenting feeling "sexiled" quite a bit, tell him that and recommend he and his FWB go get a hotel room.

However, if he plans to keep seeing this person, hotels can get expensive.

My gf and I moved in together 6 months ago, and we made sure to find a big enough house so that we each have plenty of personal space. We are in a ranch house with a refinished basement family room, and a guest room. She has only had one other person over, a play partner, once. They used the downstairs family room.

My bf, who is also her FWB, comes over 2-3 times a week and she has no problems with him and me having sex in the living room, our master bedroom, the family room, or the guest room. Or the bathroom, the kitchen... Once in a while we all have sex together.

Do you also have FWBs? You only see them at their houses?

hellokitty 01-22-2014 03:53 AM

I'm going through something some what similar. Been living w gf for a yr and a half. Some desires have changed and gf now saying I cannot have any sexual contact in our house what so ever, even in my own room. We did not discuss this before moving in together bc were not aware it would become a desire, so we're in a little different spot than you. For my gf, she says she won't ever be okay with me getting what I want in that sense. So it's something we have to think about...

I think it's normal for you to feel uncomfy and you don't have to love the idea of them having sex in your house. They would be kind to get a hotel until you warm up to her. I do think it's something you may want to work on accepting, since you knew your partner was poly all along, this is something to be expected. He should give you time, but I do think it's important to come to a compromise eventually. Of course it is your home and if you don't like something you shouldn't have to put up with it. It's just a matter of what causes less conflict and more connection.

rosephase 01-22-2014 06:46 AM

I felt that way when my boyfriend first started dating his girlfriend. I didn't even want them in the house if I went out, because I wanted to be able to go home if I didn't want to be out any more. For me it just took time. The first time they had sex at the house took a couple of months. Now they have sex down stairs and I feel perfectly comfortable with it. Maybe you just need some time and space. If it is something you would like to be okay with some day sit down and talk to them both about it. If you don't think that this is a thing you want to work towards be honest about that to.

PolyinPractice 01-22-2014 08:23 AM

I always just go over to my partner's house when his SO is away visiting her boyfriend. No issues.

london 01-22-2014 01:05 PM

I agree with hellokitty. But it sounds like there is lots of potential for drama, anyway.

lyrias9 01-22-2014 03:38 PM

Thank you all for your input.

@Derbylicious: Unfortunately they're a bit too strapped for a hotel. Also he's going to be seeing a lot of her in the next while. A hotel will get expensive every time and he feels that he should be able to have his partner over where he lives, which I agree with in theory.

@Magdlyn: We live in a fairly smallish flat so there's no real way to go off on your own. I do have some FWB's and I have had them over, but that was when I was the only one living here. Since he's moved in we've both been automatically going to other people's homes. This is the first time that's not an option.

I should say that we do have a mutual FWB that has been over when playing with both of us. If she were to come over when I was out I would have no problem with it. This of course leads me to believe that my issues lie more with the fact that a) I haven't met her b) I have to leave as opposed to him having someone over when I was going to be out anyway and c) how crappy I felt about the way he presented it to me. The upside of this is that it's circumstantial and we can address those issues in the future so that I'm more comfortable. The downside is that I've said ok to him because I don't feel like I have many options, but I'm still not comfortable with this specific encounter. Now it's just about working through the feelings I guess and then dealing with it properly next time.

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