Exploring Polyamory instead of Monogamy
I thought I'd start a blog to try and sort out my head space about relationships.
A little history: I am american ex-pat living in UK, i'm 28 female, single mother...:)I am bi-sexual. I have been married before, in a monogamous relationship and I used to be Mormon. So like some other people here, It's been a long journey from the Mormon idea of relationships, where women are valued little more than cattle in heaven currency of good works, to the idea that life is worth living in the here and now...and I really want to love more than one person at a time. That I can, it just has to be the right people.
The first time I came across Polyamory was when I was in my late teen's, early 20's. But I dismissed it and when the monogamist route of marrying my ex-husband. I had many things to learn in that relationship outside of Polyamory, self love, and abuse what healthy boundaries and healthy relationships were, were my biggest priority. So I worked on those, by working on those things in myself, it led, along with other things, to the natural breakdown of the marriage.
The man I was with wanted to exploit my bi-sexuality, at a time when I hadn't come out and did not even acknowledge it. And he exploited not only me, but the woman who I had been best friends with since high school. When I became single and divorced and spent a significant time away from my ex-husband, I re-approached the subject of being a relationship with said female friend. We will call her M. M and I drifted after that although she loved me like I did her, our lifestyles were incompatible, because of her desire to have kids and be married, and be part of the mormon culture, and her family would have disowned her, being heavily mormon culture too.
I did not want her to have that heartache and i told her sadly that I couldn't maintain a friendship with her, that i had to consider her an Ex to move on, even though we were never physical I was so emotionally intimate with her it was basically the same thing in my eyes.
So this started a season of my single life back in the UK. When I returned I focused more on self-healing, and sorting out my life. I enquired on polygamist relationships on-line, and offline, and got involved with healthy and unhealthy people on-line and offline, I learned what I wanted in relationships. I had a brief fling with two men at the same time. I had a one year relationship with a monogamous man who wasn't my husband. I tried all these things to see what fit for me. I found that the two men, were actually vying for me to be with one of them, and I still felt a lot of internal guilt about the relationships, which has yet to be resolved. Even though they both knew about each other, and that I was a girlfriend to both of them, I still felt unnecessary guilt. These relationships evolved naturally, and with no force on my part. I went on dates with women. I met a woman who was poly but with women only. I found out what people say, isn't always what people mean, and that poly means different things to different people.
I am at the moment dating a man exclusively inclusively, whatever that means. That was his (A's) terms not mine. I am wondering if he wants a V or a poly relationship, or not. At the moment we are in the throes of NRE, and I am waiting for an opportunity to discuss how he sees himself (monogamist or not) and what he wants out of a relationship in relation to what I want.
He knows that I am bi, that I've not slept with a woman, and that I want to be with a woman, and he attempted to surprise set up a woman date with him (threesome) but I politely turned him down as I am not a one night stand kind of person with any human being male or female. I explained I wanted more, and that that topic is still sensitive and hard for me to explain. I'm not sure what I want, in a poly relationship, I just know I don't want to be trapped in a monogamist one, but the other relationships with women, might not all leads to sex, and it may not just be with other women i want relationships with.
Although having said that, finding ONE good relationships male or female has been hard for me, not only finding one that want more than one :)
So lets see how it gets on, he's(A) open to discussion and we have great chemistry and a lot in common and we both only want to help people, so already we're coming from very healthy places in ourselves.
This weekend we are spending the weekend away just the two of us instead of the extra woman, and we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend now. The first real substantial relationship for me since M, notice I didn't feel that way about my husband. Which is sad but I was a different person then, and I value myself much more highly in terms of self-worth, also I have two beautiful daughters because of it and I've now got to meet A. So things in my life are peaceful. I work on my business, I spend time with my girls, and I am exploring female friends in my area who have experience in dating multiple people. :)
I will keep you all informed on what's going on!
I was trying to figure out why I was so inherently turned off by my ex-husband wanting a three way relationship with M and me. And also why I was actually disgusted instead of pleased with A asking a female friend to have sex with us. And how the two were correlated.
I realised that in both cases,there was the objectification of one more parties involved. In both cases, my ex-husband did not ask for my opinion on if i wanted to love M independently, what M wanted, what I wanted, what he wanted, what he expected, etc. And this is true in the case of the man I am currently dating.
I have also had this problem from the other end, being bi and female, being approached by three different couples now, all wanting me to be a threesome with them.
So I did some researching on this site this evening and came across the unicorn stuff, which is probably basic stuff for a lot of you folks, but since i freely now express my true feelings about multiple loves, i do not have the fear of frequenting this site, or my kids seeing me on this site or asking questions ect that i had in the past.
Anyway, I guess this is why I haven't had sex with a female yet, it always seemed to come with a lot more strings than I wanted: In that was it wasn't just a relationship between me and her that develops naturally just like any other male/female dynamic, it seemed to be operated and micromanaged by one or both of the other people involved (My self included when i was married although this was by honest mistake as i didn't even want to admit i liked the woman nonetheless any of the rest! It was a confusing mess at the time. Doesn't make me less accountable, just offers a reason behind the bad behaviour...understanding of the self.)
So I realised, with my current relationship, A, that I learned a lot from him already in terms of healing from my past abuse stuff, in fact I became free and whole, and this is the first relationship I can freely express myself with out any of the previous triggers and hangups i had in the past. I have desensitized myself, and over come all those and i'm pretty dang proud of that because it took a hell of a lot of work, I went to therapies, writing, art therapy, groups, workshop etc before I felt I was definitely on the way to healing totally and completely.
Poly naturally took a backseat, but since my first experience into that forray was with a teenage girl friend, it never completely left my mind, just got put in the back burner as such!
Anyways, A asked me to be fearless, hes told me time and again i'm completely free to do anything i want to do, with no restrictions or limitations. I also think he would love the poly world if he knew it existed, simply to be free himself, to love whomever he wants to love, whenever he wants to love them. But i do know in saying that, and in my conversations wih A, I want to define what I want in a relationship. He's asked me specifically what I want but I had no clue. I mean I knew what I didnt want, but I had no idea what I DO want. So I have spent the evening thinking on this, and will do so more and refine this as i come back to it, i'm also taking this list with me when I see A this weekend.
Since our relationship is so new, we have only been seeing each other one month, and just defined it this week as girlfriend boyfriend, i want to set my bounderies and priorities clearly, which means i need to know what they are.
In the past, with a man named N, I dated him knowing he hated that I was bi and wanted to be nonmonogamous. Strangly i dated him a year and lived with him for a few months trying to conform to his box of what he thought was right. I wanted so badly at the time to bea person who is like the movies, has one true love, and spends the rest of their life together, and by going through that relationship i let go of that fantasy, as it isint a reality for me. Instead i now look on that silly ideal as a limiting belief fed to me by disney and other propoganda, and that instead my destiny is what i choose, and that may be many loves or none at all depending on my degree of honesty, openness and courage/fearlessness.
So without further ado here is my list so far:
1) I want freedom in all my relationships to date women and men, that all are in the know and ok with this :-)
2)I want to be able to have time with the person in the real world, not just texts and emails, but quality time together- this is not defined by hours but being present and in the moment when with that person, and preferablly more than once a month if possible.
3)I want open and honest communication between all parties on safe sex BEFORE sex and on types of sex involved (fluid bonding etc and known not know stds how to navigate this ect)
4)I want tenderness and ability to freely touch one another, in public and private with all my lovers. (I dont want any dirty secrets, discretion is one thing, secrets another)
5) I want out of this world fucking fantastic sex. (Don't we all?! hehehe) :D
6)I want to be able to laugh and be emotionally intimate and connected with the people I love.
7)I want to be free of jealousy and to be honestly openly comfortable with them having more partners (I find this harder with a man being with other people than with women being with other people somehow?? so working on this one in bits and pieces.)
8) I want to go on many adventures and experiences with the people I love in my life- for thats what life is for experience building for me, with all the people in all types, fwb/nonsexual friends/sexual partners/et al.
"One important thing I have learned is this; Bisexuality is not a combination of two seperate but equal orientations. My attraction to males is inseperable from my attraction to females. I can't compartmentalize. I can't suppress one without suppressing the other. I can't express one without expressing the other. I have just begun an incredible journey. I interpret this time in my life as an incredible turning point." - Joyce Beach link: http://www.gaymormonstories.com/Joyce_Beach.html
I have mostly, in many ways removed myself from the LDS church, and this has greatly helped me accept my bi-sexual self, however, the deep societal pressure I self inflict on myself... of being with only one person ...is still being unravelled in myself.
Joyce's quote could equally be applied to my new budding realisation of how I feel about polyamory:
"Polyamory is not a combination of two serparate loves, but equal loves. My attraction to more than one person is inseperable to my deep affections for one person." I feel that is appropriate to me. :)
Loving M, does not diminish my love for A. Always there will be a place in my heart for her. Having loved in the past my ex-husband(X) did not dimish my love for M. Only my ex-husband(X) caused the demishment of my love for him because of the extensive abuse I had at his hands, and endured for much longer than nessecary.
So as I unravel my past, and look forward to my future, while living presently and intuitively, I hope to build and nuture more loving connections in my life. As A tells me there are many ways to look at the world, and he chooses, I'm ok, You're ok.
Doesn;t mean the behaviour is always ok with each other, or we do not agree to disagree, but simply that accepting ourselves allows room to accept others and in this we find a greater and deeper love. Perhaps in A, I will find a deep and transient love. I know that I care a great deal about him, but the love word has not passed our lips. So we shall see.
Roll on Saturday!!
I signed up with an online dating service and that is how I met Richard. We were also together about 3 years. He is part of my Poly family now also. He does tend to prefer monogamous relationships, so he occasionally dates other women and he will probably get involved in a monogamous relationship eventually and our relationship will become platonic.
Hey Ellevera, I got your reply, thanks for posting on my blog. And thanks for telling me how you met Richard, Do you have a blog on here? I'm just starting to properly navigate my way through this poly site, so there's a lot of people to meet etc! :)
How do you feel about it going from sexual to platonic if he decides on a different monogamous relationship eventually?
I am working on developing my own poly family I have decided, and that I am just going to be out in my actions, and have different levels of relating it to other people depending on how close to my inner circle they are.
The next steps
It was a dark and stormy day. Saturday was the best and worst of days. It started off with lack of sleep, combined with my electric going out in the house, my kids(ShootingStar and Rosebud) had colds, my Aunt (Honour), who was watching kids, was also sick. Also there was just a general sense of both Honour and myself being at the end of our ropes.
When the rain let up midday, in a freak warm bright spell, lasting about an hour, I took ShootingStar and Rosebud out on a walk in the woods with their wellies. I figured a romp in the woods never did me harm, and would do a lot more good than sitting around in the festering malaise of the house with nothing to do, and no heat/electric.
I pulled up the poly forums while out and perched myself on a bench basking in the rare watery sunlight. I let the kids roam within shouting distance, and pondered what the evening would be like, if I'd even be up to going out at all. At the moment I was feeling pretty dreary. I knew I'd have to deal with the electric problem when I returned home, but for this one hour I was going to live in the present and simply enjoy being. So I read Fuchka's blog, which is rather addictive, and struck a deep cord in me with relating to men.
I have never been short of men admirers, and my last real relationships, although short, were with two men: Rogue and Freeman. I am not a classical beauty, I am of medium height, with mousy coloured hair, and a curvy average build,of a pear shaped nature. But for some reason, I attract men like bears to honey. I am confident and comfortable in my own skin, and perhaps this is why. It will take another post on attraction and what attracts people versus the beliefs we are lead to believe as women in the world, but I digress. Lets get back to the men I was speaking about!
Rogue is and was a friend with benefits, we used to occasionally hook up, he is deeply troubled and a dark horse in my life. Honour does not approve of his influence on me, because of his negative characteristics in him, although he is essentially at the heart of him a deep and caring man, he is internally conflicted with self loathing. I pondered in the woods what he was up to. We met in 2012, and have been on again off again ever since. We always pick up where we left off, and he is my muse. Many of my best art pieces have been about him, and will continue to be because I find his internal conflict very appealing to paint and draw, and something many people can relate to, the struggle of our natural self and who we want to be.
Freeman is a man in transition. We also met at the same time and place as Rogue. Where Rogue is broody, musical, quiet and intense... Freeman is Gregarious, loud, self-deprecating, science computer lover, going through a nasty divorce. I involved myself with him out of a need to help him heal something broken in himself. Like an injured bird in a park I wanted to help him see that not all women are like the one he's lived with for many years. I was not attracted to Freeman the way I was Rogue, and they knew that I was interested in both of them, so they both wined and dined me, and we all hung out together a bit, playing board games, or talking about goals and making jokes together, having a drink.
Both were sweet and giving in their own ways, both showed me that it takes more than lust, or even common ground, to make a relationship work. The relationships with both of them and involved with me lasted around a year, on and off, with both coming around my house when kids were not around, and me going to theirs other times.
As I said, I have never wanted for male admirers, but being admired and caring about them in return is a completely different thing. Which is why I was pondering on these things yesterday. I fell hard and strong for Rogue, I knew he was like forbidden fruit, that no good would come of the relationship long term, yet I was drawn to him again and again. My poetry came alive, I finished a book of poetry in the space of 2 months. My artwork kicked into high gear, I finished 8 pieces while courting him. He was my muse, and the addiction was strong for me. We have an easiness he and I, that allows us to just be around each other. Combined with his darkly good looks, intelligence and hilarious sense of humour, I was very much smitten. But like getting addicted to drugs, I pulled away from him this last year, because I could not cope with his self-harming. It was a deal breaker for me, so we stopped being a relationship and stay friends, platonic now, even though my pheromones still kick in high gear whenever I think of him.
Freeman and I slept together during that time too, he was different, in that he was able to give of himself, his time, money, energy completely and wholly without any hangups that Rogue had. I appreciated him for who he was, but my pheromones simply didn't engage with him, and during love making, the opposite happened to what I wanted. What I thought would happen leading up to that point was very wrong! I became turned OFF. It was a bizarre moment for me because up until that point I was very much keen to try things. Maybe like JaneQ has written about elsewhere I confused my need to connect and be close and to help him, maternal-like instincts, with sexualization. Even though the sex was nothing to write home about for me, it was life changing for him, which only made me feel worse! He told me afterwards that he loved me, and he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Thinking it was a one off , and just bad first sex experience, I left the issue alone for a week and came back to, accepted his offer and we started dating, all the while he knew I was still seeing Rogue, everything had been laid out there. It was a consensual open relationship. Both men wanted me, they were willing to share me. The hanging out between all of us became awkward, and stalled to a stop because the communication between them were just two males who vaguely knew each other from a similar social setting, but ran in different circles.
I could sense how much it hurt both of them if I went off with one or the other alone. I did my best to balance out time with them, time with family, and time with art, but in the end, it was not time that stopped the relationship between all, but simply the fact that I did not love Freeman, and I could not have a healthy relationship with Rogue because of boundary and safety issues regarding my children. They would have crossed over accidently or purposely at some point because of how much I was and still am in love with him. I can put those feelings now in a place in my heart, feel them, live with them, examine them, and then choose not to act on them. I needed space from Rogue, and I told him this. I told Freeman that he deserved a woman who would love him as much as he loved me and kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for the beautiful time we had. Rogue still occasionally contacts me, and we go out for drinks as friends, but it's hard for me to separate the feelings I still feel for him, and maintain appropriate distance. I'm really an all-or-nothing kinda gal.
I had mixed feelings about this relationship, so I am working on sorting through them, and what it means for me in the future and the shape of my future relationships. Everything is a learning experience right?
This was a great turning point for me because I realised I could speak my mind and feelings and I am a bit of a late bloomer in communication this way. ;) I probably could have salvaged the relationship with Rogue if I had been able to communicate appropriate boundaries, but I also decided after both of those relationships that I was worth healthy relationships, and that I was attracting these people because I didn't believe at some level I was worthy of a healthy man/woman/whomever.
This is where Adasan comes in. A year of being single roughly, just casual dating with women mostly, these did not go beyond a second date or first date in most cases. Then I meet Adasan on POF.com. We start with questions, he starts calling me Curious Star. A banter is formed, intellectual zingers whip back and forth between our fingertips, and I am so starved for intellectual conversation with a man, from a man's point of view since Rogue that I am ecstatic to talk to him.
I pondered all this while the girls played. The girls and I went back home, I made them dinner, I fixed the electric problem after many insistent urgent, and then down right angry calls to my energy supplier. The rain had come back, including thunder and lightening and the dark was looming and I was stressed more than I have been in some time.
However, I sorted it, and handled it, and everything including my celiac /paleo dinner was sorted for the date before I went out with Adasan to the hotel we had got together.
Next Steps Cont.
We met up at a nearby train station then made our way to the hotel. It shifted from the worst day to the best night. Warm food and warm company as well as getting away from the stress helped us both. Healed us both.
We have paced ourselves up until this point. We met in person after Christmas 2013. A few weeks online, phone, and skype sessions before hand. We went to musuems, ice skating, coffee, dinner, parks, nature, many many things... :) We touched and teased, but didn't go further. Our first kiss was after several dates. Our first fuck later still...I could no longer stand the hours of teasing, of a low simmer that burned high. My pheromones are in full swing for this guy. Adasan is a professional body builder, and also a massage therapist with female marker genes, so instead of being buff in a large and manly way, he's buff in a swimmer/dancer manly way with all smooth clean lines and not an ounce of fat. He has long piano/guitar hands, and gorgeous features. I steal looks at him across tables, and we deliberately get close without touch, then brush up against each other accidently (on purpose) stroking in public, that then builds up to something more in private.
It's a delicious heady combination.
Combining these incredibly lustful moments, is this quietness and stillness he exudes, like a Rock against the ocean, being battered with many elements he still stands there, telling me, "Curious Star, you're ok, i'm ok, we're ok." How can you not fall for someone like that?? Have we had deep intellectual conversations in person yet? No, Not yet, but on the phone we have. And we are working on letting the walls fall naturally. There is no rush here, no hurry, we schedule dates around our very busy lives, as he is finishing his degree and starting a business this year, and I am in my second year of business myself in art and still privately studying.
I juggle many hats, as does he, and his level of autonomy is really appealing. We are intense with each other in the moment, and also able to sit quietly and just be, we speak with our hands, both of us artists of our own craft- we mould each other with hands like a sculptor...I've never been so tenderly touched before, nor ravished. We communicate much more easily with hands than our voices in person and right now it is uncomplicated. He trusts me completely and I him. When his exams are done, I will speak to him about polyamory, and in the mean time I will text him to let him know I will be meeting up with these people, and perhaps his own curiosity will allow for dialogue to flow naturally.
When we got to the hotel, it was like, we were two strangers instead of people who had been on many dates, he was comfortable undressing and asked if I wanted a shower, but for me there was this sense of re getting to know him, as if we were a long distant relationship, rather than present in the here and now. But that quickly dissolved as we showered together, which was very romantic.
We fucked, and made love, most of the night. Sometime early in the morning He put his head on my chest for an hour and listened to the beat of my heart. Previously he had opened up to me about something that seemed to him to be a big problem, and I explained to him that he just hadn't been with the right person, and that it was in his head, not his body that had the problem and when he let those things go, everything would flow naturally. And it did. And I am grateful for that truely, I have had some amazing experiences with this man so far in terms of my PTSD, (which is never triggered with him at all!) and childhood abuse.
He spoke about opening his business in america, as I am well travelled and I have spoken in the past of my desire to live in both countries that I am establishing myself here first, and then working over there too.(I am a dual national as are my kids) I can see his desire to be with me, though we have not yet said we love each other, we say it in many more ways, and when we are ready, it will be natural and right. Right now I am still trying to figure out what goes on in his head. We can read each other's body's like books, but the way we think and the way we relate are very different. He brings out the calm, and the sensual in me, and I find myself relaxing into him, into this relationship in a way I never have in the past, even with Rogue.
I also find myself pushing myself to be better, because we play off each other in very positive ways. This to me is a hallmark of a good healthy relationship.
I spent time drawing him, although I don't think of him as a muse for me, I am definitely interested in drawing him nude sometime, and he has offered to pose for me. I find drawing my lover very erotic and sensual and wonderful way of connecting with out words. I gave him the sketch I did, and he enjoyed that gift :-)
We discussed business which we have in common and marketing tactics, places to learn and build up clients and business friends...we talked about many things, just not anything to do with emotions yet. He is very closed off with emotions verbally so if I want to know something from him I have to be very direct and blunt. Where as I am very emotional and freely express them, but I also know how to reign them in, and control them. I kind of imagine him a bit like Spock in the emotional way. Lol. And I crave the talking of emotions and how he feels and what he thinks. I do think eventually I can tease these things out of him, I definitely can sexually ;) And that has its own rewards. But I want to hear it. I want to hear him tell me he loves me. I want to say it back.
We haven't set a date for the next date, one more week of exams for him and he just wants to get through those, so getting rid of stress and enjoying each other will be the main theme for a little while as we both ride the waves of life,(and each other ha!) and come to a calmer place to talk of these things. :) I may even invite him to a poly meeting as a date. That could be very fun, and what he may be reserved in asking alone with me, he may ask in a group setting...It's worth a conversation in asking.
I am proud to be his girlfriend, and I asked him if he was upset that we were not doing a three-some with the friend, and he said he had honestly forgot about it. I said, that's good you're not worrying about it. I think deep down he's monogamous, and I'm not sure how he'll react to my wanting to be polyamory because originally I told him I didn't want to be and I chose to be monogamous, but that was before him, before the possibility of a threesome, before I realised, yeah, I'm ok, I'm ok with me. I've had a huge shift in who I am in the 6 months in terms of being ok with myself and moving on from anger and the past into a place of positivity and healing. I am much more open and honest now in all areas of my life. But most especially I am more open and honest with myself, because I no longer place myself in the eye of what society expects of me and judge myself based on those preconceived ideas, that shift and change depending where I live. Now I base myself on what feels right and good and positive in my life for me now. :)
It's a bit more complicated navigating these waters as a single mother, but it's still interesting and fun, and its amazing to me to meet the wonderful positive people in my life, and as I expand I have been attracting more healthy people my way, including a woman on the playground asking me to go out with her family to a playdate, which hasn't happened in a while, normally i initiate that sort of stuff, and organise things, so i'm pleased that I might be on the start of making a new friendship!
I texted Adasan asking him directly and bluntly how he felt for me, and saying I cared a great deal for him. He texted back saying that he cared for me too and he would think on it seriously after finals were over.
I was so shocked, and had been holding my breath for a rejection, that I didnt even know how to repsond and I must have seemed very cold after that haha, because I texted saying, thanks for telling me and I'm going to bed to process that. And I did I went to bed processing that, now my heart has room to accept he cares for me and it gives me this big huge warm feeling inside. This slow gentle glide into loving him is so easy, but it still takes my breath away with how lucky I am. He is such an amazing guy.
Last night during texts, I also told him I had went shopping after our date and started the lifestyle shift towards paleo, because of my own health problems, he was the 3rd person to suggest it to me i nthe last 4 months, and I had been dragging my heals, but honestly its been the best thing ever! So he sent me all these e-books he has on Paleo, and a lot of information on it for me to read, isnt that sweet? :) He really likes to look out for me. I really feel like I'm moving into my own stride for life, and what I want out of life, it's so exciting!
Moving forward in life..baby steps!
I am heading to my first Poly meet up on the 4th.
I am excited to talk to like minded people on a subject i've been curious about for a long time. I've only practised poly in a sexual sense once, and although it didn't turn into any long term relationships, I have not decided yet if I am truly poly, or monogamous.(sexually) As I already know emotionally and mentally I am. I think I am sitting on the fence on this one. A lot of my reticence is the weighing of pros and cons on hypothetical situations that may or may not occur in mono or poly, so its difficult to look at it objectively! The only way to know for sure really is to try and practice. Also I didn't know until this blog what I wanted out of one relationship, none the less more, and also I am learning still what exactly I'm looking for in poly relationships. WHY do I want a poly relationship etc. More on that later.
I told Adasan about going up to the Poly meetup on the 4th. He is totally cool with it, and wants to know how it goes. I'm personally way excited, as I don't know why I've put this off for so long...was it really just a fear of being known that I was poly?
I spoke to Honour last night about all my Poly ideals, she feels I will ruin what I have with Adasan by exploring this, but what she doesn't understand, is that I am more authentically being me now than I have ever been in my past, in a healthy and positive ways. I am so excited each day to wake up and be in my own skin and life! There's a bit of biochemical element to this too. After doing the paleo diet this week, I have noticed I have not needed my anti-depressants for pain in my body (As I was using that for help with M.E. not for depression etc.) It was weird for me. I don't know if I should inform my doctor and go off the drugs, or not, I took them today anyway, but it did the opposite of help, it made me fell rather ill. I'm wondering if my M.E. was a symptom of problems in my diet that would go undetected from a medical doctors point of view as they know very little to do with diet and nutrition.
It was really nice to open up to her, its the first person besides my X and M who I spoke to about this, and Adasan. But the problem is X and M I didn't know that poly existed and when I did I dint know how to articulate what I needed. I still find it hard to verbalise what I want sometimes. It's like so much feelings and thoughts are going on at the same time I need more time and space to process them all before I act on them. (even conversations).
God I missed connecting mentally and emotionally with Adasan, now that his finals are almost behind him, he's more himself and our conversations are flowing again. Thank goodness, it was just stress.
But I do find his views challenging and interesting, and I enjoy debating with him!
Now I can't wait to see what he thinks of the poly thing???
I can see interesting conversations coming up soon! My little baby steps into the poly world are starting to happen yay! :rolleyes:
After exploring this site, I realised in my last relationship with two men, I was a hinge of a V. :) So now I know and able to label that, I can put that into a box and tuck it away.
After al,l my reasons coming to polyamory was because of being Bi, wanting both a male and female relationship, AT THE SAME TIME.
I ended up instead with two men as my first go around haha. Oh well, live and learn, and by writing this, I realised my first reason to want to polyamory,
because I like men and women duh :rolleyes:
I feel quite silly not realising that sooner. I can't see the forest for the trees some days :p
Last Night had a great time chatting with Adasan. Was so glad that we are communicating again as I felt it was a bit lacking lately.
Today I am making plans to head up to Cambridge on the 11th to meet up with some lovely ladies, on health and wellness :)
Also I am going on the 7th with a date next with Adasan, and discussing the 4th meetup, and also plans for valentines day! I think perhaps we're going to take our first full weekend away. ;)
This has been the most healthy and lovely relationships so far, and its been so natural and easy, its not to say we don't disagree on things, its just that Adasan is so relaxed about things, and very secure in himself, as well as incredibly honest, that it's so easy to want him and respect him and desire him. I feel very good and loved in this relationship, and I know that even if we don't make it long term (here's to hoping we do!) that I won't fall into a million pieces, and that I will always want the same level he gives to me -the same level of respect encouragement patience and understanding. Nothing less will do!
We had a bit of a tense moment in texts last night, as we spoke about health and wellness and how I struggle with eating sugar, but I want to really do my best on the paleo lifestyle change. So I told him I had an 80/20 rule, and he really admired my perseverance and also my courage and discipline. He texted me and said,
"I hope you love yourself enough to treat your body with respect and love, not for anyone else but yourself and because YOU want to"
I started crying after I read this because only my aunt has ever shown this level of kindness and tenderness and gentle soft understanding. It was tense for me because it was something I have been working on for many years, my self esteem and making sure I do treat myself with the respect it deserves. Hearing him say that only brought it home, how far I've come that sugar is my biggest fault now, and not emotionally destructive relationships, and not destroying myself either. And by the way I am not doing this change in lifestyle because I dislike my weight or my body, or anything to do with Adasan, although he was a catalyst and is a wealth of information. (I have my own massage therapist and nutritionist all bundled into one person!) It's more that now I have the tools and knowledge about myself to work out what works for me, and a paleo food lifestyle REALLY gels with me. I have less bloating, less fatigue, less craving for starch/sugar. I have lost 2 pounds with out starving or even exercising much more than i already do (Belly dance once a week and walking to and from places, plus a little bit of wii-fit occasionally). So I feel like, I'm finally understanding my own body, and living more health-concious and aware of what works for me in all areas of my life.
So far 2014 is looking very bright for me!
Now onto my reasons for being poly and choosing poly and what steps I'm going to take to make that a reality:
1) I want to love more than one person
2) I want the freedom to express love towards women and men while in a relationship with both, not just serial single, or serial monogamy
3) I have in the past been in love emotionally with more than one person
4)I have in the past been in relationships sexually with more than one who both knew.
5) I feel like its right for me, that I want to, that I am honestly taking away the fear of new and unknown and preconceived societal ideas and saying: What is ok for star? This is. This is right for me.
And the steps I am taking is dating people who are OK with this, and/or introducing and finding out if they are. Right now it's ambiguous with Adasan because he told me early on his body wants polyamory but his heart doesn't. S o maybe he wants FWB/sexual encounters, either way I'm open to letting him do that, and we can safely explore within each other things we were too afraid to admit, talk about before, we strip the fear from each other simply by accepting each other. It's a beautiful thing to behold.
So already started the successfully
The second step is being honest in myself I want this, and have probably wanted this for a VERY long time. And to feel the fear, but not let it dictate my actions associated with it. I sit with the fear feel it, and do what i was going to do anyway. ;)
The third step is to meet real life poly people and get involved in groups who are ok with that
The fourth step is learn better communication skills regarding how much i share as in the past with my insecurities I would "over share" now I am much more cautious on this, and I am learning like some on the web here how to share in certain circles, if they are acquaintances/friends/best friends/family/inner circle etc.
The fifth step was letting go of the guilt associated with being this way and going, I'm ok, if I am poly, i'm still me and I'm still ok!:o
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