What should I expect my partner to share about me to others
I am recently in a new and very intimate communicative relationship. We both identify as polyamorous and have begun to refer to each other as "primary" as we are both looking for a very special solid relationship foundation to explore from.
We are currently communicating about anything we can think of that we feel needs to be dissected to help our mutual journey's thrive to the best of our abilities.
My partner was visiting me last week and mentioned she needed to reach out this woman who was a client but also spent a lot of time together after their sessions sharing tea and great conversations. It was shortly before when we normally head off to the bedroom when she made the call and it lasted for more than a couple of hours. The conversation sounded very fun friendly lots of laughing and ended with a commitment to make time to develop a friendship beyond their professional one and a date for later in the week.
I asked my partner after the call if this was someone she could see herself in a relationship with and she said she wasn't sure yet. The date day came, which would have been one of her free evenings for me but because of her busy schedule and feeling a little under the weather we decided to postpone my time until the next night. That morning my partner sent me a text saying that she would be coming to me after all in the evening after meeting her new friend. Fine, serendipitous for me.
Later that evening I get a message that there just finishing up and will be leaving after one more drink. This means about an hour or more later than we had planned. Ok fine, got lost in your new friendship wonderful. An hour and a half later I get a message that it is now too late to come and besides they have drank too much. Ok, a little choked now as I have been left waiting but still probably a sound decision but I am thinking "should have just left the original plan in place and waited a day to come". I then heard her say in passing that they up until the wee hours and now she is exhausted from the previous night and her cold is worse. Well, Yeah!
So now I have the privilege of taking care of my sick girl friend which was a very enjoyable thing in it's own way. We entertained some friends the next night and shared some time together for ourselves. Not nearly as much as usual but still it's ok.
At some point this morning I get an incredible feeling of discomfort and I know it is directed to towards my partner. I don't understand what the source is yet and decide to keep quiet until I have had a chance to process what I am feeling. Part of it is probably due to her informing me that she feels she is going to need the next 3 weeks to focus on a lot of changes she has to deal with in her life. I know about these things and they are big but I can't imagine them being all consuming. As she is getting ready to leave and we are futzing around the house the conversation returns to the date person and I ask again if this is someone she see becoming more intimate with. She is still unsure. I ask her if her new friend knew about me. She replied that she had told her that she was "dating people". I was shocked but still was uncertain what was causing the feelings so still chose to remain quiet.
We parted as usual and I know she could tell I was out of sorts and she tried to cheer me up with being flirty while we took her stuff out to the car and she said, "don't think that this means anything changes for us or that I will have no time for us."
Ok Summary and the questions if anyone actually makes it this far. Honestly the writing itself has helped.
1) Is telling others that she is "dating people" yet we dialogue about the joy of finding our Primary seem strange? It makes me feel slighted in some way but am I reading it wrong?
2) Should I have any expectations about how or when she shares information about me if any to other people whether or not she decides to become intimate with them?
3) Her blocking out a large section of time makes me feel odd as she has told me how she would block out more time than required with her ex husband to allow her more free time to herself. This I am sure we can dialogue through but stirs up a bit uncertainty with me.
4) Anything else anyone feels note worthy, both positive or negative, that I may not be picking up on?
Thank you for any advice in advance.
Hi WCoaster, welcome to the board.
I see in your intro post, are a bi male in relationship with a female. She seems to be bi as well, since you are wondering if she is romantically interested in her new friend.
How long have you and gf been together? You've made the decision to be "primaries" even though you do not seem to know each other very well, do not live together or share finances, etc.
It seems like much she is saying and doing confuses you. And you seem to be slightly insulted she hasn't said specifically to her new potential, "I have a boyfriend, he is my primary."
You could articulate to yourself whatever you have decided you want shared. And what you do not want shared with others. (So far you want others to know you exist, and you want to be considered by her in her time management.)
Probably want participants or potential participants to know what open model relationship you all want to practice together. No point in you or her dating people who are seeking something else. That would not be compatible people.
Would expect her to inform her dating partners of that too, right?
Once you articulate your list of things to yourself? You could articulate it to your partner.
Then you could ask you partner
If she responds with "Yes, I am willing to do that for each person I date" -- then you both could acknowledge you have an agreement. You can now expect her to keep your shared agreement.
If she responds with "No" then you know you cannot expect her to share this info. You do not have a shared agreement.
Up to you what you feel like participating in or not and how you participate in it.
Yes. Before you agree to polyship with her...
Even "We expect nothing from each others' behavior -- we are all free agents" is an agreement with an expectation. Could sort out what your agreements will be.
You seem bothered by her changing her plans on you a few times. You do not seem to articulate that directly to her at the time it happens.
List of behaviors I notice:
To me feelings ensure after behaviors. I would guess you did not appreciate her behavior. Like... "When you make plans with me, I expect you to keep date or reschedule cleanly. I do not like being strung along doing phone ping pong all night."
And maybe you are a little bit upset with you for not calling her on it at the time. Esp after the 1.5 hrs the first time.
If both of you are WILLING to polyship but are finding you do not have all the skills to be ABLE to polyship smoothly yet -- could develop those before jumping into dating other people: emotional management, time management, disclosure agreements, what open relationship model you all want to practice, etc.
The perfect way to torpedo a new relationship.
"Hi I really like you but I have a primary boyfriend who wants to know every little detail about my other relationship and feels that you need to be told you are secondary to him."
Yeah I would tell someone to pound dirt...
And you can point out that by minimizing your relationship to others, she may be making the new person feel more comfortable by appearing more available for dating, but it does not honor your place in her life? Not that I think she was doing anything wrong, per se. Just that people have a tendency to make decisions about what they need in the moment, and are not always used to considering the whole picture.
Are you concerned that this is her way of making sure she has time for this other woman? Without having to take responsibility for telling you about it, or negotiating? Or are you feeling as though it is a distancing behavior, and that she is keeping you at arms length?
Either way, you could just ask her. Or, choose to just see how this time period plays out, and talk about it after, if anything comes up.
Best of luck, navigating all of this can be tricky, but hopefully also worth it!
I just want to thank everyone for all the great thoughtful advice. It is exactly what I had hoped for. Lot's to work on still but I think we are up to it.
I especially found the use of "Could" in my dialogue and thought processes to be so helpful. I could do a lot things but there are always options.
Thank you for the thoughtful alternative perspectives to ponder.
I do honestly believe that potential new partners need to know that there are actual relationships in place at some point. I also think that bridge should be crossed fairly early on. It is an integrity thing. I do not think it is right to lead someone along because you may interested in each other but they are proceeding in their process with out a full understanding of the way of things.
Complete honesty and open dialogue could be shared with everyone in our lives if our words and actions are going to affect their decisions.
I think that me wanting my partner to say I am something extra special is wrong thinking and I will figure that one out. I feel that it probably causes an unnecessary burden on the new relationship but so does denying or obscuring the facts.
Anyway thanks again and thanks for the links.
N doesn't share anything about me other than im fine with him seeing other people. Its really no one else's business ti know about me other than im not going to cone at them in some kind of jealous rage lol
Okay, so here is obviously a huge newb question. When do your other partners find out about each other? Birthdays? Christmas? Vacation time?
I am not sure I understand why it isn't anyone's business. I mean, yes I get that it is my one life to live as I see fit, but ultimately I want to share with my loved ones. Granted one could hardly call a person on a first date a loved one, but if I think I things might go further when/how have others dealt with that?
Editing this post as I just came upon an interesting thread. Though it is obviously to the extreme, it sort of speaks to my point.
Unknowing entry to the poly world
I am honest that I have other people in my life. But all my relationships are given equal consideration. What happens in said relationship is between those involved my other partners have no say how those relationship go. How i spend my time with each. How deep I fall in love.
N knows any time im interested in meeting new people. He knows basic details of the people I'm seeing and he tells people very basic things about me but personal details about me? No it is none of their business. Im a student, I work fill time, I am not dating anyone right now, no im not jealous etc. Simple things he can share if they ask. But thats basic stustuff stuff anyone can find on facebook.
I might tell someone bi meet "im married, been together 5 years, we have 2 girls together, hes an artist and stay at home dad"
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