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-   -   How to communicate in a poly relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=685)

redpepper 08-26-2009 11:45 PM

How to communicate in a poly relationship
 
Anyone have any ideas on how to effectively communicate?

I am pretty sure that how we all communicate in our "V" is uniquely honest and very open. Sometimes we are very blunt and up front too. It is a constant thing and can be quite exhausting, but I am never left feeling I don't know what is going on. It keeps me in check and constantly thinking about my two men over and above me. I have never experienced giving so much, have never been so in touch with myself and have never known the ins and outs of my loves more than now I am in this relationship configuration. It has gotten to the point where I know immediately when something is off in me, and can read the two of my men more than I ever have. I am so in tune with them and can sometimes predict what will happen for them before it happens... heightened awareness so to speak.

pokey 08-27-2009 12:04 AM

How
 
How do you seem to deal with this lifestyle with such security? You seem to not care what anyone else thinks nor do you care. How do you maintain this attitude in the cookie cutter world we live in? Do you ever fear you will lose your relationship with your son? parents? etc...? I would appreciate your insight with all of this

vandalin 08-27-2009 12:18 AM

Cajun and I, although are not practicing Poly at the moment, have always had an amazing ability to communicate with each other. And this is not just coming from me, this comes from our friends, family and even our couples counselor and my psychologist. He and I know that we can talk to each other about anything and that the other will not jump to conclusions or "go off".

Part of this is because neither of us "fight", we don't yell, we don't fly off the handle, we think and we talk and we ask questions. Another part of it is that we trust each other to be honest and we don't play the games that a lot of couples play such as, "I'm not going to tell him/her what's wrong unless they ask." or ask many times.

Some friends of our gave us an awesome book called All About Us by Philipp Keel for our wedding. This book is a giant quiz/fill out book meant for two but it can still be useful for 3 or more people I imagine, they just don't have the lines in the book for the extra people. But what the book gets you to do, if you do it together, is to answer questions, some simple, some silly, some hard and some scary even, and open up discussions with each other. One of my favorite questions is in the first chapter along with the basic names, ages, etc. "Would you mind looking at each other for one minute? Yes or No? If Yes, put this book away." We have another set of married friends who absolutely cannot "do" this book. They cannot communicate because they do not trust each other or themselves. Makes me sad. What this book helped us do is explore areas that we had not really communicated about before. It may not teach you how to communicate but it will help to open up about things that are important to discuss in a relationship.

To make this seem less like an ad for the book, effective communication requires trust, calm heads or at least the ability to say when to take a break before things escalate to a fight. Deliberation not argument. Thought not reaction, or if there is reaction first, then think about why that particular reaction. It also requires knowledge of the people involved in the communication effort.

aussielover 08-27-2009 12:24 AM

I look forward to hearing some of these responces. Obviously we're just heading into the REAL LIFE relationship. We have spoken at great lengths about some serious and important issues. We've laid issues out on the table, things that bother us, or that are scary, but once they're out and delt with, everyone feels much better.
We expect there will be many more issues yet to arise, and hopefully we will be able to talk through them as we all know open communication is a must for us to keep this wonderful relationship going.
I look forward to hearing some more experienced points of view on this.

vandalin 08-27-2009 12:27 AM

I forgot to add that it helps, when trying to communicate, that you be interested in what the other person/s have to say. Help them to feel safe and that they are loved no matter what. Let them know that you are there and not off thinking about something else, look at them, preferably somewhere in the facial area.

Sunshinegrl 08-27-2009 02:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 5589)
Anyone have any ideas on how to effectively communicate?

I am pretty sure that how we all communicate in our "V" is uniquely honest and very open. Sometimes we are very blunt and up front too. It is a constant thing and can be quite exhausting, but I am never left feeling I don't know what is going on. It keeps me in check and constantly thinking about my two men over and above me. I have never experienced giving so much, have never been so in touch with myself and have never known the ins and outs of my loves more than now I am in this relationship configuration. It has gotten to the point where I know immediately when something is off in me, and can read the two of my men more than I ever have. I am so in tune with them and can sometimes predict what will happen for them before it happens... heightened awareness so to speak.

I know that I "know" when things are off with Me and AB. Im tuning to Al too. Certain mannerisms and just a Vibe that I get. Im a thinker and a talker... I often have alot of things going round in my head at once. Which often means that I can come across as rather a random person. With our relationship abut to undergo the biggest step very soon Im hoping that communication isn't a huge issue. Especially since we have only had talking as our biggest form of communication and connection for so long. How Ab and Al feel about things Is very important to me. And knowing that they are happy and content make me happy and content.

MonoVCPHG 08-27-2009 07:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pokey (Post 5598)
How do you seem to deal with this lifestyle with such security? You seem to not care what anyone else thinks nor do you care. How do you maintain this attitude in the cookie cutter world we live in? Do you ever fear you will lose your relationship with your son? parents? etc...? I would appreciate your insight with all of this

Security comes from knowing this is natural and right. There is nothing illegal about polyamory.

If people cannot see the happiness in me and appreciate it, than I am fine with them not being in my life. I am black or white. My family all know and are not the type to pass judgement, they want me to be happy and healthy.

I am certain of my happiness and in our collective love. I need no approval or understanding. I only need for people to accept we are happy and respect Redpepper and her husband. If someone chooses to disrespect either of them they would do much better to make sure I am not around.

As far as the cookie cutter world we live in..look around, there is a lot more diversity than you might imagine :D

If the world doesn't want to associate with me because I am in a loving and communicative relationship then fuck them. I can turn that switch off.

I am in love with Redpepper with everything I have, she has two men who love her immensely, we have her love and her son has all of us...what's to be insecure of?

pokey 08-27-2009 01:29 PM

Thanks
 
Thanks for your reply. I try to maintain that attitude , but most of the world seems miserable and wants to bring others down. We have a similar situation that you describe you are in. I grapple with several issues internally. Maybe you can share with me how the three of you deal with:

~the constant asking if one of the males is single and friends wanting the inside scoop about him and his availability
~ the children and having friends over and wanting them to sleepover and my fear of the other parents or the kids sensing something "odd"
~ the question on why would he live with us if he is just a "friend", wouldn't he want to have his own place, girlfriend etc..
~Me not being able to show my love publically
~ my family annoyed that I spend more time with him and he is not a blood relative, they always say it is like I have chosen a new family

MonoVCPHG 08-27-2009 03:08 PM

[QUOTE=pokey;5626]
Quote:

~the constant asking if one of the males is single and friends wanting the inside scoop about him and his availability
As I am completely mono I don't think this is an issue for Redpepper in regards to people being interested in me. I have made this very clear during our poly meetings and in the one time someone kind of approached me on Facebook. I'm black and white in most areas and am very blunt about my own "unavailability" I don't play games with my commitment. Plus I'm basically bald so that helps :)

Redpepper is better suited to answer the remaining questions.

Take care and I hope you find your answers!

redpepper 08-27-2009 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pokey (Post 5626)
~the constant asking if one of the males is single and friends wanting the inside scoop about him and his availability
~ the children and having friends over and wanting them to sleepover and my fear of the other parents or the kids sensing something "odd"
~ the question on why would he live with us if he is just a "friend", wouldn't he want to have his own place, girlfriend etc..
~Me not being able to show my love publically
~ my family annoyed that I spend more time with him and he is not a blood relative, they always say it is like I have chosen a new family

oh geez, is that what we may have to look forward to???!!!

Mono doesn't live with us and we are not out to my family or my husbands. I think that would change things immensely so we wait to see if a moment ever arises that it would be right.

Basically my approach to everything has always to not allow drama in my life. I have become quite good at blocking out what is harmful to me and people who are wanting to cause me harm either on purpose or not. Sometimes I miss cues though and have been hurt, but I am pretty good at deflecting off negativity and turning it back on people so that it becomes there issue rather than mine.

I am very open in public about giving affection I figure it's everyone else's thing to be curious, offended, whatever. Just like my communication, I'm open and honest about who I am regardless.

I don't have a kid that has sleepovers yet.... hmmm... don't know how that would go. Tricky.

As for Mono and his baldy head? It's damned cute and other women think so too. He pays no attention to them and it is very clear that he loves me... his energy speaks volumes when we are together. No one has asked and everyone who knows him knows that he is with me. Again, because we are honest and open. I really have the attitude with everything in life that I am my own person and completely not influenced by other peoples judgment and negativity. I'm a bit of a leader and never a follower, never have been. That doesn't mean I don't listen or change my opinion, but if you knew me you would see that I am in my own world and you either love me or hate me.... your choice, nothing to do with me. I can't even imagine others having that much influence that it would make me feel like I should be concerned about myself or what I think/feel/do. hmmm... misery be damned, I make my own happiness.

My sons school has begun to notice that Mono is around, I think I may have to mention something at some point.... we'll see. Right now I think they think he is a relative.


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