Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Curiosity Killed the Cat? MFM Vee (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68491)

wonderwoman 01-16-2014 03:43 AM

Curiosity Killed the Cat? MFM Vee
 
Hello everyone! Hoping for some help and guidance - a little about me below and how I came to join this board.

A while back I went out with a guy who told me about having a MFM threesome with two really close friends - this was on a first date no less! At first I was really offended but then became curious and started asking him questions. Yes both men were straight. Yes it was fun and they actually spend the entire weekend together - hanging out, gaming, eating pizza, and pleasuring the lady. Listening to him describe the non sexual aspects of the situation was just as interesting to me as the sexual part.

While it didn't work out between us, my interest was very piqued. Since then my fantasies have continued - and they haven't all been sexual. I really think I'd enjoy being the pivot of a poly fidelity MFM Vee. Is that even the correct term? I have no one to talk about this with so I'm learning everything from the internet.

Here's the rub - I have always been a monogamist and know I would not enjoy swinging. Also I'm not attracted to bi/gay men outside of friendship. Sorry hope I don't sound judgmental! Ideally I'd like our MFM Vee situation to be monogamous with two straight guys who are close (or become close) friends. Does this type of a situation exist or am I being a selfish snowflake searching for two unicorns? If it is possible - how does one find and/or cultivate such a situation?

I realize since I know NOTHING about this lifestyle I might be romanticizing what it could be like. How do you all deal with balancing dual relationships and the jealousy that might arise? What is it like going out in public?

I'm a super vanilla person and perhaps this should remain, for me, a fantasy. I am trying to decide. Thank you so much for any advice or experiences you can share. No one I know is interested in this and I tend to be a bit introverted anyway.

About me: In my 30's. I love reading, writing, gaming, traveling, and eating sushi. :D

Magdlyn 01-16-2014 02:54 PM

What you are looking for is a tall order for your first foray into poly. There are fantasies, and there are realities.

First, you need to find ONE guy who is interested in YOU. Then he has to be interested in you having multiple loving relationships, but him only having one lover, and have the skills to be able to manage that.

Then, you need to find the other guy who is open to you already having a bf, OK with you being poly, and mono himself. Maybe the first bf has a good friend like this. Maybe not.

Then you determine if either of your hypothetical bfs is interested in MFM relationships. Then determine if they want MFM sex share, and MFM love share, with the men both being straight and only platonic friends.

Then make this happen: a poly-fidelitous V, where you have 2 sex partners, but the men are only allowed one sex partner, you, forever.

Tall order.

Quote:

I realize since I know NOTHING about this lifestyle I might be romanticizing what it could be like. How do you all deal with balancing dual relationships and the jealousy that might arise? What is it like going out in public?
Not too many people here doing poly-fi MFM Vs. I can think of one out of dozens of regular posters. Lots of posts on jealousy, do a tag search.

wonderwoman 01-16-2014 09:57 PM

Thanks for taking the time to reply Magdyln! When you lay it out like that, it makes sense. Definitely will be one of those things that just has to evolve naturally or it's not meant to be.

It might be a tall order, but it's the only scenario I could see myself being interested in poly-wise. I know the reverse FMF seems to be more common but I know it's not right for me personally nor is a more open/group type situation. To thine own self be true and all that jazz.

Again thanks for your time and thoughtful reply! The more I think about it, the more I am not sure I'd be able to meet the emotional needs of two individuals. I don't want to hurt anyone just to live out a fantasy. For now it will remain fun to think about and I'm open to what the future holds - whether it's monogamy, the elusive v, or just being by myself. :)

kdt26417 01-16-2014 10:20 PM

Greetings wonderwoman,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I have heard of a number of MFM situations and I am in a poly-fi hetero one myself; you can read more in my blog thread if you're interested. We've never done threesome sex though and I think a hetero V with threesome sex would be unusual.

If you really want to put some feelers out there then here are some links and suggestions.

http://www.okcupid.com/
http://polyamory.meetup.com/
http://www.polymatchmaker.com/
http://www.polyamory.org/SF/groups.html
http://polyevents.blogspot.com/#localgroups
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=11
http://openingup.net/resources/local-orginizations-u-s/

You can also google "polyamory" with the name of your State, country, or major city and see that way if there's some local poly groups near you.

Quote:

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations
Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

Some links for dealing with jealousy:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Balancing dual relationships is a matter of time, scheduling, trial, and error. Every polycule is unique and has to figure out what works for, and fulfills the needs of, those in it. This takes patience as it doesn't happen overnight.

As far as going out in public is concerned, it depends on if you are "out to the world." The Vee I'm in is mostly closeted and we don't do PDA's as a trio out in public. When we go to a restaurant we just say "table for three" and let the staff assume one or more of us is just a friend.

Hope that answers some of your questions.
Regards,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

wonderwoman 01-16-2014 10:38 PM

Thanks Kevin, appreciate the warm welcome and info/links! Will be checking out your blog as well.

I feel like what I'm after seems a bit unfair (me with an extra lover, them with just me) but on the flip side of the coin I've been told I'm quite a handful - maybe each guy could give the other a break!

Natja 01-16-2014 10:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wonderwoman (Post 257562)

Again thanks for your time and thoughtful reply! The more I think about it, the more I am not sure I'd be able to meet the emotional needs of two individuals. I don't want to hurt anyone just to live out a fantasy. For now it will remain fun to think about and I'm open to what the future holds - whether it's monogamy, the elusive v, or just being by myself. :)

I wonder whether you might have some luck looking for a man interested in cuckold fetish, something might develop from that?

PolyinPractice 01-16-2014 11:43 PM

Sounds like you don't really want a poly relationship; you want to be spoiled by two men for a weekend? Why not just advertise for that on FetLife or similar? And not worry about the burden of being two people's full time partner.

JustUs 01-16-2014 11:47 PM

Hey wonder woman, I must say it is possible. My wife and I have been married for 15 years. She has had a long distance boyfriend who is also a very good friend of mine. He and I are both heterosexual. And just 3 weeks ago he moved across the country to live with us!
One thing that is true for us is that its not all about sex. And mostly about friendship, hanging out and enjoying each others company. He and I both love cooking, something my wife hates, so she reaps the benefit of he and I cooking for her on a regular basis.
I think the fact that since he and I get along so well and have other interests in common (in addition to my wife lol) it has made poly work out very well for us. I try to ensure he and her have one on one time and he make sure my wife and I have one on one time as well, but in general we all spend our free time together.
Good luck and hope you find two good men to fulfill you wish! Feel fee to ask any questions.

kdt26417 01-17-2014 01:22 AM

Re (from wonderwoman):
Quote:

"I feel like what I'm after seems a bit unfair (me with an extra lover, them with just me) but on the flip side of the coin I've been told I'm quite a handful -- maybe each guy could give the other a break!"
Maybe so. It really depends on the individuals involved. Some people are very attached and need as much of their romantic partner's time/energy as possible. Personally, I'm a guy who likes a lot of "me time," and I don't feel any great loss when Snowbunny and Brother-Husband are off doing something together. I believe that Brother-Husband is of a similar mind, but I hesitate a little to speak for him.

I even like the nights when I sleep alone, if you can believe that. Well, except the cat, who is usually my "bed buddy," which I love. But I just like the extra "independence," if that makes any sense. More freedom to turn in and get up whenever, not feeling obligated to be in bed when Snowbunny is, no worries about being polite and maintaining some sort of bodily contact during the night, etc.

All I mean by all of this is that sleeping by myself, for me, is an analogy of any of the time that Snowbunny spends away from me. Whereas it used to be a problem in our early years together, for many years now I've quite enjoyed the independence that sharing Snowbunny with a "second husband" affords me.

I just think that every person is highly unique and has their own set of needs, gifts, strengths, and weaknesses. Every successful relationship will be tailored around the unique needs of the people in it, and what looks totally crazy/selfish/dysfunctional to an outsider, might work perfectly well for the people in the relationship.

So don't worry too much about how it might look to others, and don't second-guess yourself too much. Just follow your heart and have the patience necessary to see your dreams through to their fulfillment.

Dagferi 01-17-2014 03:25 AM

I am the hinge in a poly fi MFM vee.

There is no way in hades would my men want to be together with me sexually at the same time.

I love my life.


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:28 AM.