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-   -   New to all this (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68469)

smilingdemon 01-14-2014 04:58 AM

New to all this
 
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but here goes. It's also kind of rambling, but I'll never post it if I wait for it to be perfect.

Here's the situation I'm not really finding a whole lot of information about. I read a lot about opening up an existing relationship and bringing in a secondary, things like that.

Here's my situation:
I have been basically been in the monogamy camp. I did have a polyamorous relationship but didn't know there was an actual name for it. I had a girlfriend for 7 years and for the last 2 years of it we went from being a couple to being a triple with another woman. I never thought I would be in that kind of situation ever again.

In the spring my last relationship ended. In the fall I met a woman who has been living polyamorously for many years. She has a long term partner of 5 years. He lives with his primary(?) partner. We've started a relationship, with a bit of a slowdown due to distance and general life issues. She has 4 children at home and they obviously require a lot of attention.

She has introduced me to some on-line forums, some books. Based on how I've run my life emotionally and a lot of my attitudes toward relationships in general, I have all the traits to be polyamorous. So I guess I am. I say guess because this is all very new, and I am aware enough to know that I'm not going to be very good at trying to start another relationship until I'm rather secure in this one. So I'm not quite sure how I'm going to manifest my polyamorousness in my life now that I'm conscious of it. I think I'm still working that out.

What I'm also working on is feelings of uncertainty and insecurity as she has a partner and I'm single. Everything I've read seems to come from the point of view of 2 people already in a relationship and how they deal with that. What about the single person coming into polyamory and falling for someone who has experience with polyamory and seems to have all her stuff together. I sometimes feel inadequate in that I don't have similar experiences. Has anyone else felt this?

Another issue is that I've always felt that my dating pool was small to begin with. Finding women I'm compatible with has always been a struggle. Partly from my own insecurities and partly from my need to actually have an intellectual as well as emotional and physical connection. Polyamory has just shrunk my pool down even more.

I know one of the principles behind polyamory is the abundance of love model rather than the scarcity model. I agree with this as I do believe you don't have to stop loving someone to love another. That love can change and relationships can change. What becomes a scarcity is now the pool of people who work that way. So how have people dealt with this catch-22?

What if this relationship works out long term, she has her existing partner, she has me, I have her, and I don't feel a need to look elsewhere? I say this because one of my motivating factors, at least that's what I've thought, is a desire to just find the right woman and live my life with her as a partner.
To be perfectly honest, I've always found dating to be draining and brutal. Full of rejection and anxiety. Perhaps that's why I've jumped into relationships in the past.

If I enter polyamorous relationship, and I don't end up forming another relationship does that still make me poly or a mono living in a poly world?

london 01-14-2014 06:20 AM

Do what ever makes you happy. No reason you can't be mono whilst she is poly. However, wouldn't you like to keep the door open for you to also have a primary style relationship?

bookbug 01-14-2014 01:07 PM

Just for the record, I relate to your need for an intellectual connection as well.

It is the bane of scenario runners - myself included - to "what if" yourself to death. Kind of sounds like that is what you are doing. I have learned I can make myself miserable with the habit, and need to stop and take stock of the here and now. Is everything okay in the here and now? That is where we all actually live. Past no longer exists and the future always becomes the now.

(And yes, it is easy to justify the scenario running as a method to head off or prepare for problems - but it can also create them where none exist.)

As to your general feelings of insecurity - let me tell you everyone has insecurities. It is not the having them that is the issue; it is how you choose to handle them that is telling.

I doubt that your new poly gf expects you to be a poly-whiz on your first venture with it and neither should you. (Bit of a perfectionist, are we?). Cut yourself some slack. If she has her act together as it sounds like she does, ask her questions, get her philosophy on it. And of course keep studying yourself and chatting here.

Nadya 01-14-2014 04:29 PM

Hi and welcome to the forum! Sounds like you really think things through... which is good and could be overdone, as well, like bookbug said.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smilingdemon (Post 257359)
So I'm not quite sure how I'm going to manifest my polyamorousness in my life now that I'm conscious of it. I think I'm still working that out.

You are in no hurry. These kind of things take time to develop. Coming here is a good start :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by smilingdemon (Post 257359)
Everything I've read seems to come from the point of view of 2 people already in a relationship and how they deal with that.

Yes, I have noticed this, too. Like, you have to be a couple first before you can become poly... Well, no. I started subscribing to poly ideology before I ever was in any relationship. There are others like me, too. There are others like you, too, who enter a poly relationship from a monogamous background. Just relax and find out about different ways to be poly and live in a poly relationship. Your way will be just as good as anyone else's.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smilingdemon (Post 257359)
I sometimes feel inadequate in that I don't have similar experiences.

She fell for you as you are now. She obviously loves you. You and her have different set of life experiences... Isn't that kinda the point in getting to know a new person?

Quote:

Originally Posted by smilingdemon (Post 257359)
What if this relationship works out long term, she has her existing partner, she has me, I have her, and I don't feel a need to look elsewhere?

This scenario sounds perfectly good. What if you choose to be happy and not worry about any labels?


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