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-   -   almost feel bad for my fiance's girlfriend (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68467)

SammyKijak 01-13-2014 08:15 PM

almost feel bad for my fiance's girlfriend
my fiance spends a lot of time with me because his girlfriend is at school and work a lot
but she's reallllly awkward to hang out with as she is young, she was a virgin when he met her, and she was raised sheltered in a mom-dad-brother-sister-pet-nice-cars-big-yard-big-pool house, so she's not knowledgeable about poly love
i'm afraid that she'll think that he doesn't love her anymore because he is also committed to me, and i'm afraid that she won't be able to handle a poly lifestyle, but i know my fiance loves her and i don't want them to break up
i kinda feel bad that he and i spend so much time together and she and him not enough, but even if we tried to set up schedules it really wouldn't work because of different work shifts and stuff

how do you deal with making sure everyone gets enough time and attention? she seems happy enough to see him when she can, and i LOVE being able to spend so much time with him, but i feel like i'm taking all of his time and it makes me feel a little guilty. i'm not some "other woman" and neither is she, so we should be able to just discuss time spending, but she really doesn't understand polyamory that well and she's already said she doesn't want to hear about me+him, which really is quite dumb because i don't see her as competition and would love it if we could both be cuddling with him at the same time while watching movies and stuff. she's just not quite there yet, so i really want to make sure he is spending enough alone time with her, but yeah i don't know how to really approach the situation.

i've always been polyamorous, but was only able to enter into a poly relationship recently. I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN HOW FULFILLED AND FREE I FEEL!!! but since i'm new to actually working with it as a type of relationship style as opposed to "i wish", i could really use some support and advice~

i'm going to be looking through the forums some, i just wanted to post this first :P

ps i am 23/f, my fiance is 18/m, his girlfriend is 16/f. we are all from new jersey.

london 01-13-2014 08:30 PM

If she's happy with things as they are, let it be. Make sure he let's her know you're happy to communicate with her directly. Be happy.

SouthernGal 01-14-2014 12:25 AM

She may actually be happy with how much time she spends with him. However, if you get the sense that she's not, encourage him to speak with her. She will likely feel a lot more comfortabe telling him her needs than you. Let him negotiate it and be open to possibly losing time with him to allow her more. Don't assume she needs the same things you need though. Everybody is different. Just keep being empathetic and willing to work with him to allow their relationship to grow.

nycindie 01-14-2014 01:47 AM

It's really not up to anyone else but your fiance to manage his time and relationships. However, I noticed that his girlfriend is underaged. I don't think it is a very good idea to push her into being okay with something she just might not be ready for.

SouthernGal 01-14-2014 01:53 AM

Oops! I didn't notice that before. That's actually a boundary with us, though we are nearing 40. Still, 16 is extremely young to be in this kind of relationship and parents can be very protective of their baby girls.

MeeraReed 01-14-2014 02:43 AM

What does the girlfriend's family structure and parental income-level have to do with whether she knows much about poly love?

The reason she isn't ready for it is because SHE'S IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Respect that she has certain boundaries and certain things she feels uncomfortable with. Don't push her to cuddle together or to talk more with you.

I totally get what you mean about feeling fulfilled and free for the first time because of being in a poly relationship. But I would not have gotten it when I was 16 and a virgin.

For that matter, your fiance seems kind of young to be engaged. What's the rush? You are all young enough to be able to figure things out slowly.

Inyourendo 01-14-2014 03:41 AM

I wouldn't worry about it, ita really between them how often they see each other and if she feels bad that's not on you.

GalaGirl 01-14-2014 03:46 AM

She isn't upset or complaining about the schedule. You are happy with the schedule. The schedule is what it is because of work and things.
So the schedule isn't the prob.

You are not happy about not being able to talk to her directly when you have questions about the schedule.
  • She doesn't want to deal in talking to you.
  • You cannot control her willingness to talk to you directly.
  • You seem upset/disappointed in that.
  • You could talk to the hinge BF about the schedule and leave it to him to sort.
  • You could bow out and seek a polyship with people who ARE willing for everyone to talk to each other directly to sort schedules.

You also seem upset because you are not getting to cuddle in trio like a puppy pile.
  • This is something YOU want.
  • This is not necessarily something the other players want.
  • It can't be just you willing it to happen. ALL players must want it and be willing for to happen.
  • You could learn to accept that limit at this time and process your disappointment appropriately.
  • You could not pressure a 16 and 18 yr old to go where they don't want to go at this time.
  • You could bow out and seek a polyship with people who ARE willing for everyone to cuddle in trio like a puppy pile.

Since you are the eldest at 23 and dating HS teens, you could work on learning to deal in disappointment with grace. It's not all about your wants in a polyship. There's other people here, young people.

You also could tread very carefully -- you are participating in polyship with teens. A lot of brain changes happen in the teens/early 20's and you all may grow in different directions. Could not make Big Life Decisions at this age like engagement or marriage. There's no hurry.

I also do not know the laws of consent for the country where you live. Or how their parents take to you and this relationship configuration. But tread carefully anyway and learn YOUR local laws. Laws set aside?

As the eldest, and over 21 person? You could reap a whole lot of hooha dumped on your head if a parent decides to make hell for you because you date their teens. Or if a goofy teen acts out toward you/your property if you break up with them and they can't deal with the emotions.

"Consistent emotional self control" is not the phrase teens are best known for. It is the time to be learning that skill.


SammyKijak 01-14-2014 07:46 PM

About her age: I refuse to romantically associate with her due to her age. Also, I have multiple personalities and the one that hangs out with her is 14 so technically she's older.

Engagement age: He and I wanted to get engaged young, we have no interest in setting a date yet.

Meera: the income level and stuff is just showing that she came from a different background in general, it had nothing to do with anything important really. And I don't push her to, I am superemelyrespectful around her :)

Gala: it is a bit disappointing to not be able to puppy pile (cute phrase!) but if that's not in the cards right now,no big deal. i just think its cute lol.

as for the laws, i can legally date him, but not her, which is fine as i am not only not interested in her like that but also due to her being completely straight.


i actually talked to him about it because i felt badly and he agreed to spend all day today with her, and start giving her calls for at least 15minutes at a time on days when he is with me like the whole day. i feel way better knowing that he is spending some quality time with her!

Inyourendo 01-14-2014 09:50 PM

In sure if they went after you with allegations of inappropriate conduct with as minor your claim of having multiple personality isn't going to fly

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