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-   -   V-type polyamory relationships (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68408)

CuriouslyPoly 01-09-2014 09:51 AM

V-type polyamory relationships
 
I'm just trying to understand how V-type polyamory relationships work. What I don't get is how can one person or two people be mono while one or two is poly?

From what I understand, mono relationships involve one on one. Anything extra nullifies the term. So how can one claim to be mono and is open to let a poly person be in a relationship with either another poly or mono person? :confused:

I see triads making sense because I can see the three as exclusive to just the three. Though if somehow one or two of the three decides to add another person in the relationship and the person is mono and doesn't want to associate himself/herself with the others...again same problem as I stated.

I acknowledge that everyone involved consents to have this open relationship, but I just don't see how V-type poly relationships can have one or two claim to be mono.

Thoughts and opinions welcome. :)

Emm 01-09-2014 10:35 AM

I'm not sure I understand your question. I think it might revolve around the difference between the terms as they're applied to people and as they're applied to relationships.
  • A mono person is, can and/or wants to be involved with no more than one person at a time.
  • A poly person is, can and/or wants to be involved with more than one person at a time.
  • A mono relationship involves no more than two people at once.
  • A poly relationship can involve more than two people.

If a mono person is involved with a poly person who has other partners that doesn't magically make them poly, but it does mean they're involved in a poly relationship.

london 01-09-2014 10:55 AM

Start from the premise that a couple are two individual people.

One person has one romantic relationship with the other half of the couple. They aren't open to having another romantic relationship simultaneously, regardless of whether it would be a closed triad. Hopefully, because they only want one romantic relationship opposed to someone else enforcing that on them. This person is monogamous.

The other person is open to having additional relationships at the same time. They have the potential for multiple loving relationships and wish to keep that option open. That person is polyamorous.

Natja 01-09-2014 11:23 AM

In other words, there is a difference between how an individual chooses to interact as an individual and the relationship type they have. A Polyamorous person can be in a Monogamous relationship and a Monogamous person can be in a Polyamorous relationship.

YouAreHere 01-09-2014 11:45 AM

What they said.

I'm mono. I have one relationship with my partner, P.

P is poly. He has two long-term relationships and is open to dating. I'm not involved in any of these dates, or in his other relationship outside of knowing her as a friend, and as long as he and I have our time together, and my health is not put at risk, I'm mostly good with it.

His OSO is also poly but is currently only in a long-term relationship with him.

MY preferences (mono) are for me. By choosing to be with a poly partner, I know that my relationship is no longer a true mono one, but my relationship with him is just with him, period, and I want no other relationships.

Dagferi 01-09-2014 12:23 PM

Murf is mono. He only has a romantic and sexual relationship with me. He has no interest in a sexual or romantic relationship with my other husband. They are both very straight .

Butch is polycurious. If he started dating a woman I wouldn't be romanticly or sexually in a relationship with her.

Murf is only in a relationship"poly" relationship because he fell for me in real life. This is not something he was looking for. If something were to happen to Butch I could easily find myself in a monogamous relationship by choice. I would still be polyamorus just not practicing at that time by my choice .

nycindie 01-09-2014 12:38 PM

Just because one person is in a Vee, it does not automatically mean that this person's two partners must be monogamous, nor that the vee is closed (or polyfidelitous).

Their partners (the people who are at the ends of that vee, or the "arms") can have other relationships, too, but those people in those other relationships just might not be involved with or even know that person who is the "hinge" of the vee.

The vee only refers to one specific group of three people, two of which are in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with one of them but not each other. So, one person can be in a vee but their partners can be in different vees or other configurations with other people.

Example:
Jane is the hinge person in a vee with Jack and Joe. None of them are married, and they all live alone. Let's call that Vee #1. Jack is also in a relationship with Susie, who knows about and has met Jane and Joe, but is not involved with either of them. So, besides being one arm of Vee #1, Jack is also the hinge person in Vee #2 with Jane and Susie.

Susie is also married to Sam. So, besides being one arm in Vee #2, this makes Susie the hinge person in Vee #3. Her husband Sam has two girlfriends, Lacey and Tracey, who are involved with each other. Together, Sam is in a Triad with Lacey and Tracey, as well as being one arm of Vee #3 with his wife Susie.

Now either Lacey or Tracey could be involved with other people, too. Their triad is not closed (obviously, since Sam is married to Susie who is straight and not involved with Lacey or Tracey). Anyway, let's go back to Joe of Vee #1. He's involved with Jane which makes him one arm of Vee #1, but Joe has a boyfriend, Jerry, so he's also the hinge person of Vee #4.

Jerry is married to Jeff, which means that, in addition to being one arm of Vee #4, Jerry is the hinge in Vee #5. Jeff, though, is monogamous with Jerry and has no interest in having another relationship. Even though Jeff is monogamous, he is one arm of Vee #5 because his spouse is polyamorous and in two vees, but that's fine with Jeff because no matter how many people Jerry might be involved with, they are happy together.
See, it could go on and on and on. Some people refer to vees that connect like this as "N" or "Z" relationships. And those can connect and make a whole string of Ns and Zs. You could call that a network or constellation. There are solo practitioners of poly, who prefer to keep all their relationships separate (as I do). So I would only be in vees, that's it. I'm a straight woman and only date straight men, so I'm not gonna ever be in a triad of any kind. This means, I could have three boyfriends who are not involved with each other, which would make me the hinge of a "W," but that would not automatically mean they are each monogamous with me. Any or all of them might choose to be, but they all could have other relationships as well.

There is no rule that says a vee must have two mono people who are only involved with one poly hinge person, with no other relationships or dalliances allowed. Did someone tell you that? Of course, there are situations just like that, but it isn't the only way a vee works. Keep in mind that not all triads are polyfidelitous (faithful only to each other), either.

Essentially, it is not the configuration that matters - it is how well each person manages their respective relationships, and whether each person in any relationship feels respected, valued, and heard, that matters.

scarletzinnia 01-09-2014 05:28 PM

I can't have a partner in common with my husband, because I am heterosexual. He cannot have a partner in common with me, because he is also heterosexual. Thus, we are not able to have triads at all, period, we have only had vees and quads.

I find it so strange that so many people, poly ones included, assume that women in particular in this lifestyle are all bisexual.

LovingRadiance 01-09-2014 06:14 PM

A V (and a triad) can be exclusive OR not exclusive to each other.
So for example, there could be a triad and for ease of discussion lets say they live together.
A, B, C partner.
They could each have other partners, D, E, F....
maybe those people don't live with them, thus why they are a triad, they live together. They may also be another configuration when considered from an alternate point besides "who lives together".

We were a quad for a long time, because there were 4 parental figures in our home who worked together as a family. Even though one of the four was not sexually involved with anyone else in the household.
Sexually we are a V. I am the hinge.
GG is mono-meaning that he doesn't choose to have more than one partner at any given time (and the last 15 years has been exclusively me). Maca is poly because he's willing to have other partners, though he doesn't have any at the moment. I am poly because I have two partners.
WE are in a poly configuration because one of us has more than one partner.

CuriouslyPoly 01-09-2014 06:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 256943)

Example:
Jane is the hinge person in a vee with Jack and Joe. None of them are married, and they all live alone. Let's call that Vee #1. Jack is also in a relationship with Susie, who knows about and has met Jane and Joe, but is not involved with either of them. So, besides being one arm of Vee #1, Jack is also the hinge person in Vee #2 with Jane and Susie.

Susie is also married to Sam. So, besides being one arm in Vee #2, this makes Susie the hinge person in Vee #3. Her husband Sam has two girlfriends, Lacey and Tracey, who are involved with each other. Together, Sam is in a Triad with Lacey and Tracey, as well as being one arm of Vee #3 with his wife Susie.

Now either Lacey or Tracey could be involved with other people, too. Their triad is not closed (obviously, since Sam is married to Susie who is straight and not involved with Lacey or Tracey). Anyway, let's go back to Joe of Vee #1. He's involved with Jane which makes him one arm of Vee #1, but Joe has a boyfriend, Jerry, so he's also the hinge person of Vee #4.

Jerry is married to Jeff, which means that, in addition to being one arm of Vee #4, Jerry is the hinge in Vee #5. Jeff, though, is monogamous with Jerry and has no interest in having another relationship. Even though Jeff is monogamous, he is one arm of Vee #5 because his spouse is polyamorous and in two vees, but that's fine with Jeff because no matter how many people Jerry might be involved with, they are happy together.

Yeah...I had to slowly read all this. I don't know how one can track different networks in the relationship with consistency. What I see though is that V-type relationships are an open chain.

I'm probably going to offend some here since I can't find a better word... :(

In my opinion, V-types are probably a chain of open relationships and not really poly ones. Fine, some of you can call them networks to encompass the whole chain of people involved, but I think V-type polyamorous relationships are a misnomer...it's just part of a chain of open relationships.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 256943)
See, it could go on and on and on.

Exactly

Quote:

Originally Posted by scarletzinnia (Post 256968)
I find it so strange that so many people, poly ones included, assume that women in particular in this lifestyle are all bisexual.

Well it's assumed and it's pretty straightforward, well at least for me and a lot of people. Plus it can go the same for men...there are men who are also bisexual.


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