Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   frustrated (super long) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68339)

cuteasabutton 01-06-2014 12:42 AM

frustrated (super long)
My name is Samantha. Im mono,my husband of 11 years is poly.He met a girl a few years ago and fell in love with her.We will all her B. She liked him but couldnt allow herself to enter a relationship with him.He then met a girl (A) and became good friends with and they eventually fell in love. Before B told him she couldnt e with him,we set some guidelines, he needed to be completely honest about any relationships and we would discuss them.
Enter A. They withheld the relationship from me for atleast a month .Locks on his phone and secret texts things of that nature. I tried my best to understand that it was a hard thing to tell me. I tried to let go of the hurt i had because he wasnt honest with me. I knew he loved her,so i felt i had no choice but to let it continue.She lives in IN and we in VA so i didnt think much would come of it.
She invited him to FL to meet for the first time. at that point i set some ground rules. All i asked was no unprotected sex. That wasnt respected and i had a hard time with it.it was the only time he had ever been with anyone other than me. She was at the time involved with another married man and ended up pregnant...long story short she did not carry the pregnancy to term.
At that point i said i could not handle him being in another relationship because i wasnt comfortable with him having kids with her. He tried to convince me that it would all work out. we didnt even know if the baby was his. so i gave in.
He talked about goin back to see her and again i said no unprotected sex and this time no bite marks-its so trashy and i really dont want to have to explain to our young children what they re or where they came from,nor do i want the reminder.. While video chatting with him this morning i see a mark on his lip that wasnt there 2 days ago.so i ask what happened. he admits that she had in fact bitten him.but doesnt think i should feel disrespected by this.nor the fact that they didnt use a condom because i shouldnt ask those kinds of questions..
Do i have any right asking anything? am i wrong to want to be shown any respect as his wife? Neither of them seem to think so.

thank you so much for reading if you've gotten this far! and i apologize for spelling/grammar errors,the bottom keys on my keyboard are as tempremental as i am today

kdt26417 01-06-2014 01:05 AM

Greetings Samantha,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Oh dear, I don't think that your husband is respecting your wishes at all. You may have to give him an ultimatum or at least, decide if you can stand to just let him steamroll all over you. Think about it ... Is it better to leave him, or to suffer these kinds of incidents for the rest of your life? If the latter be the better then I suppose you should keep quiet about it when he's around. You can always turn to Polyamory.com as a place to vent of course. Perhaps that would make things easier.

Is there more I should know about the situation before I jump to any conclusions? I am just going by what is presented at the moment. What would cause your husband to act this way? Does he have a good excuse?

I can tell you what the most commonly followed course of action is in a situation like this. The wife would just continue doing the same thing, complaining to her husband but continuing to give in whenever he pushes. Then she'd just hope that he'd eventually see her point of view. Rinse and repeat, as the years roll by. If you choose this course of action, just make sure it's a course that you consciously choose.

If it were me, I'd give him a deadline by which he must get his act together. The deadline would be chosen according to how long I thought I could stand the situation before I had to leave. Then if the deadline arrived and nothing had noticeably improved, I'd pack my bags.

Have you any kids with him? That always makes a situation like this a lot more complicated.

You might want to refrain from having unprotected sex (perhaps even any sex at all) with him until you have good reason to be sure your health wouldn't be adversely affected by his unprotected sex with A.

I hope you'll be able to find the insights and perspectives you need here.
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

alibabe_muse 01-06-2014 01:27 AM

He's not respecting your boundaries for your sexual health. Don't blame girl A as your husband has control over his choices and right now, his choices appear to be unsafe sexual health.

Are either of them experienced with polyamory? I'm sorry but your getting bulldozed. There is a lot here to read and other sites outside the forum that should help and I know many other posters can give you much more awesome thoughts about this.

I'm sorry he's doing this to you when you, a mono, are accepting of his poly nature more than he's accepting of going at this at your pace.

cuteasabutton 01-06-2014 01:48 AM

Thanks Kevin, we do have 2 children,a 10 yo and a 7 yo.Neither know what is going on at all. there is no reason for him to act this way other than selfishness.Due to the long distance,hes always texting her. if i ask for time with him without the phone, he gets mad. As his wife i just think i should have more respect. when i asked her why she loeft marks and didnt make him use a condom, she just said he cant keep his mouth shut. she asked him why he didnt just lie. Thats not something i want from him and if that is how things will be,then i will leave. I told him last night that he needed to choose. I feel like i deserve better treatment. If he doesnt believe that i should have any opinions or respect then thats that. He thinks its wrong for me to make him choose and that i dont want him, not the real him. I just want to be loved and respected as an individual and his wife and mother to his children. Im at my limit with both of them

cuteasabutton 01-06-2014 01:55 AM

neither are really experienced, she just has flings with married men..he has read the posts on here a few years back. i gave an ultimatum but feel terrible because i do love him and want to be with him but im the only one making compromises and he only thinks i have a right to alone time with him and a separate relationship.its difficult to deal with it wehn hes currently with her and shes just encouraging him to lie to me and all he an do is defend her..

kdt26417 01-06-2014 02:18 AM


"If I ask for time with him without the phone, he gets mad."
Damn! That's not very nice of him.


"When I asked her why she left marks and didn't make him use a condom, she just said he can't keep his mouth shut. She asked him why he didn't just lie."
See that's what scares me. If he tells you he practiced safer sex, how will you know he's telling the truth?

Sounds like A is a bad influence, but it also sounds like your husband is quite complicit with her. I have to say he's acting quite badly. Has he always been like this?

Your choices will be crappo no matter if you decide to stay or leave. If you stay, your kids will start to notice that it's "okay" for Dad to make Mom upset. Setting a good example is one of the best things you can do for your kids. They need to know that it's important to respect one's own boundaries, and to treat one's spouse with respect. You staying around and tolerating your husband's current behavior sends a dangerous message to the kids that could affect them badly later on.

But obviously leaving and possibly fighting over custody and/or visitation is bad for the kids in another way. So this is a damned-if-I-do, damned-if-I-don't type of a situation.

Be really careful with your health here. Your husband ought to get himself tested for a battery of STI's before you even consider resuming intimacy with him. And even then there's the problem of his believability to consider ...

I agree that you deserve better treatment.
Kevin T.

cuteasabutton 01-06-2014 02:33 AM

Kevin, he used to be respectful and kind. she is a terrible influence.i dont know how i can say ditch this person you love if she continues to be rude.ive tried my best to be kind to her even after the sneaking around and disrespect she has shown. we donate plasma regularly and they test for all STI's. I read a forum on here once that said to set boundaries.I did and when i just pointed that out to him,he said well we did t get to set boundaries. I dont get involved in their sex life with the exception of ensuring protection,as they dont feel any of it is my business. as she put it to me today, she doesnt ask about our sex life.. What right would she have,she knows the important stuff- im mono and hes only sleeping with the two of us. Idont ask about positions or anything like that. I simply want to ensure health and non pregnancy.
as far as the kids, i try really hard to ensure they dont see me cry or fight with him. Thankfully, his sisters live close so they spend a lot of time with them. as the night goes on, the more i think separation is the best option. I dont want to force a decision but i know im worth more.he said if it came down to her or me,it would be me. but his actions say something else. Thank you so much for validating my feelings are normal! I hate being jealous of her.

PolyinPractice 01-06-2014 02:52 AM

Unfortunately, there seems to be this idea that once you're married...you're stuck with the person (the high rate of divorce seems to show otherwise, but some people persist in this belief). So they treat their spouse as badly as they like, because, after all, they can't go anywhere, right? Sorry that your husband appears to be one of them, but know that, bottom line, you have the right to be happy, with or without him. Having kids complicates things, but you can care for them-- and yourself.

kdt26417 01-06-2014 03:05 AM


"I don't get involved in their sex life with the exception of ensuring protection, as they don't feel any of it is my business."
Not your business? Really? If your husband's sex life isn't your business, I don't know what is. :(


"As she put it to me today, she doesn't ask about our sex life ..."
Which is frankly foolish on her part. (Assuming she's not lying about that!)


"I simply want to ensure health and non-pregnancy."
Which is exactly what is your business.


"As far as the kids, I try really hard to ensure they don't see me cry or fight with him."
Which probably helps, but kids are keener than we tend to think. They're in tune and know on some level when Mom isn't doing well.

One silver lining is that your husband is probably experiencing NRE with A which clouds his judgment. NRE wears off after oh, several months or a year or so. So if you want to try to ride that out you can. Maybe he'll come to his senses eventually.

It's not looking good though.

cuteasabutton 01-06-2014 03:16 AM

thanks for your support guys. Its kind of a unique situation so friends just say leave and dont consider that its not so easy. Im sure he will come to his senses but right now hes attention seeking and im not feeding in to it. divorce is an option if this continues. We have a lot to discuss when he comes home,but im not holding my breath for any lasting changes.

All times are GMT. The time now is 08:25 PM.