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-   -   Gender-monogamy? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68337)

Haiya 01-05-2014 05:05 PM

Gender-monogamy?
 
Sorry if this post is off topic? I needed advice and this forum seemed to fit? I've never posted on a forum site so I don't quite know the rules of engagement. But here is my question.

Is gender-monogamy a term? So this is like when you can only date one of each sex (male and female). I haven't seen a term for this. I am a female who is dating a male and female. We all agree that we can see another as long as it's not a sex of whom we are already dating. I.e. My girlfriend can have another boyfriend but not another girlfriend because she is with me or my boyfriend can have another boyfriend just not another girlfriend. Does that make sense? We've all agreed we like this, but we can't seem to find a term for this that fits other than what we've made up: gender-monogamy. It's like being polyamorous and monogamous at the same time. Is that possible? Is there an actual term that fits that. I can try to clarify for any questions.

kdt26417 01-05-2014 09:45 PM

You may use "gender-monogamy" if you wish of course, since I know of no other term for what you're describing, but technically it is a subset of polyamory (or at least of non-monogamy). If it involves more than two consenting adults, then it's (responsible and) non-monogamous.

You may want to consider starting a new thread of your own featuring this topic. Either that or the mods may split off this new subject into a new thread.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Emm 01-06-2014 12:06 AM

The terms I've most often heard for this sort of thing are "One Penis Policy" or "One Pussy Policy", both abbreviated to "OPP". Searching for OPP will find a whole lot of threads containing information and opinion on the subject.

opalescent 01-06-2014 02:00 AM

Is everyone bisexual?

nycindie 01-06-2014 02:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Haiya (Post 256644)
I am a female who is dating a male and female. We all agree that we can see another as long as it's not a sex of whom we are already dating. I.e. My girlfriend can have another boyfriend but not another girlfriend because she is with me or my boyfriend can have another boyfriend just not another girlfriend. Does that make sense?

So, everyone is only "allowed" one lover or partner of each gender. Does that mean that, if any of you has relationships with one of each and you meet someone else you want to pursue, somebody is getting dumped? And is this all based on the biological sex of a person? What happens if you meet and want a relationship with a transperson or someone who considers themselves genderfluid or pansexual?

Inyourendo 01-06-2014 03:24 AM

My ex was like that. Wouldn't let me have male partners even though he could have opposite sex partners. I called it his "insecurity". I made damn sure my new husband knew full well I could be with men or women as I pleased.

Tonberry 01-06-2014 03:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emm (Post 256660)
The terms I've most often heard for this sort of thing are "One Penis Policy" or "One Pussy Policy", both abbreviated to "OPP". Searching for OPP will find a whole lot of threads containing information and opinion on the subject.

I think it's a bit different in that OPPs mean "I'm the only man (or woman) you can date/have sex with, but you can date/have sex with as many people of the other sex as you want" while the OP here is specifically talking about one of each, unless I'm misunderstanding it completely.

For people who wanted "on of each", not as an obligation but as a sort of orientation, I've heard a couple of them refer to themselves as "biamorous". Of course that only means 2 partners and doesn't specify they have to be different genders, but I haven't seen the term used in other contexts.

As a rule, I find it confusing. As an orientation I find it confusing too, but since it's not restrictions placed by someone else, but how these people worked, I'm less uneasy about it.

For the record, one of my friends who describes herself as biamorous, stops having attraction to people of one gender if she currently has a partner of that gender. Meaning being exclusive with one of each would be easy for her, but she struggles a bit with being exclusive with only one person, as she develops crushes or even deep feelings for people of the other gender.

Of course all of this is very bigender. I don't know how she would react faces with someone who is agender for instance.

AnnabelMore 01-06-2014 05:37 AM

Good point, Tonberry, this system breaks down pretty quickly if you introduce a crush who's genderqueer, genderfluid, or agender. Does it come down to the person's bits at that point, to determine if they're "acceptable" or not? What about pre-op trans folk then -- which box would they fall in?

london 01-06-2014 09:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Haiya (Post 256644)
Sorry if this post is off topic? I needed advice and this forum seemed to fit? I've never posted on a forum site so I don't quite know the rules of engagement. But here is my question.

Is gender-monogamy a term? So this is like when you can only date one of each sex (male and female). I haven't seen a term for this. I am a female who is dating a male and female. We all agree that we can see another as long as it's not a sex of whom we are already dating. I.e. My girlfriend can have another boyfriend but not another girlfriend because she is with me or my boyfriend can have another boyfriend just not another girlfriend. Does that make sense? We've all agreed we like this, but we can't seem to find a term for this that fits other than what we've made up: gender-monogamy. It's like being polyamorous and monogamous at the same time. Is that possible? Is there an actual term that fits that. I can try to clarify for any questions.

Yes, it is called insecurity.

LoveBunny 01-06-2014 08:41 PM

I relate to this notion of bi-amory because 1) my suspected "polysaturation level" is quite low, 2) I'm bisexual, not poly-or-pansexual, 3) I am comfortable in committed relationships.

Some on this forum chafe at dating restrictions, but I tried balls-to-the-wall open relationships throughout my twenties, and found them so messy and painful I opted out into heterosexual monogamy for over a decade. Now in my early-middle-age I'm open to the idea of a middle ground, non-monogamy with some structure. I'm still working on figuring out what will and won't work for me while keeping my monogamous husband comfortable, so this thread is interesting to me.


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