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-   -   Well Hello! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68298)

EvilMichelle 01-03-2014 06:33 PM

Well Hello!
I am so excited to find a forum that will help me/us in the new relationship that we are in!

I have been married to my best friend for the last 11 years. We will be together for 18 years in March. We first explored open relationships as swingers and had a fantastic time. I always had a dream of meeting another couple that we could be exclusive with. A couple that we could have a poly relationship with. We met a wonderful couple in the swinging world. This other couple has fulfilled that dream for me. We have been exclusive with this couple since September and things could not be more perfect. We call ourselves the Tribe. :D We are very much in love with each other. Both ladies are Bi and play. The gentleman our straight but share their women very well. When we are together we tend to couple off. I with BF(boyfriend) and Hubby with GF(girlfriend). The ladies get to play whenever they want to. Scheduling our lives is crazy! But we seem to be making things work well.

Lately I have been struggling with feelings that I'm not sure I can put my finger on. Competition with her...Jealousy...fear of being replaced...These can all describe what I feel but I only feel them when I am away from the Tribe. When we are all together I don't have these feelings. Christmas week was particularly hard on me since we were away from BF and GF for a week and we can all admit that staying with ones parents when you are in your late 30's is trying! I have discussed these feelings with Hubby and he has reassured me that I can never be replaced. But these feelings persist. I really wish they would go away! I am so in love with all 3 of these wonderful people in my life. And we have so much fun when we are together...so why do I have these feelings? How can I move past them and feel comfortable when I don't have all that love wrapped around me? When we are together and in our cocoon I'm so comfortable with everything that is happening....I just don't understand these feelings...

BigGuy 01-03-2014 10:28 PM

Jealousy is not always a bad thing. It can be an early warning system when things aren't right, but you haven't figured out what yet.

If you have examined your feelings and can't determine a cause, maybe it's just a little separation anxiety. Might I suggest you get yourself a totem.

A totem is an object that anchors certain feelings. A security blanket is a totem. The blanket itself doesn't provide security, but the feelings that are associated with it does. I suggest the next time you are in your cocoon and feeling the deep sense of love, search out an object. It can be totally random, although it should be small enough for you to carry around.

Once you have found something, meditate on it. Imagine all of the warm good loving feelings you're experiencing, flowing in it and through it. Pick it up and hold it. Be in the moment and let it soak up the good feelings.

Carry it with you, and next time you feel anxious, hold on to it and reflect on the feelings it holds.

kdt26417 01-04-2014 02:02 AM

Hello EvilMichelle,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Also helpful might be the following links:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

The feelings of insecurity you described are often closely related with jealousy itself, so I think you'll find the above links applicable to all of the difficulties you're experiencing.

You may also find journaling helpful in the way of analyzing what you're feeling. There's a Life stories and blogs board you can get into for that. And you can do tag searches for "jealousy" and "insecurity."

Hopefully the good folks here at Polyamory.com will be able to lend you the help that you need. Let us know as further thoughts and questions come to your mind.

Kevin T., "official greeter" :)


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

EvilMichelle 01-04-2014 05:00 PM

Thanks Gentlemen! In my cocoon now and there are no uncomfortable feelings in my chest. Best place for me to be is with my lovers and my Hubby:D

kdt26417 01-04-2014 05:11 PM


Hmm 01-07-2014 10:43 AM


Originally Posted by BigGuy (Post 256554)
maybe it's just a little separation anxiety

Personally, I think this is an astute observation. It seems to me that, yes you love your husband, and you also love this other couple. In a sense, to you, it feels like part of the tribe is missing; think about it: when a family, tight-knit and close and loving, splits itself up, it's going to feel like something's missing, right? You felt so happy with this new couple, then they were taken away, it feels like the budding flower is just gone and you want it back. something feels "off," awry, you just want it settled and to come back. More time spent with the whole tribe, because you love them all and the whole group feels incomplete without, well, the whole group, would be better. In my humble opinion, finding a totem is a good coverup solution, but it's no replacement for having back the fuller, more profound love that you miss. Yet, acknowledging that you feelings of fear and anxiety are not abnormal and are nothing to worry about is healthy too. There's no emergency, no rush in returning to those new loves. Breathe and enjoy what you have :) rest and feel okay with whatever love you have in that single moment. Manifested fears, in your case, I believe, are nothing truly worth fearing like the "fear of being replaced" would suggest.

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