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-   -   How to deal with this? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68279)

LadyMoon 01-02-2014 06:53 PM

How to deal with this?
How do you deal when your mad at one and in the middle of a fight, and all the other wants to do is make you laugh and smile?

I was in an argument with my husband, and the boyfriend did stay out of it, but he was trying to make me smile and laugh. I really just wanted to be mad for a time. But kinda hard when the other is trying his best to be sweet. I wasn't sure if I should laugh or yell at the boyfriend for making me laugh.

I know stupid thing to be confused about, but uggg!!!

LovingRadiance 01-02-2014 07:00 PM

I walk away because I prefer that my partners respect where I am emotionally in any given moment. It's ok if they aren't there, but it's not ok to try to change where I am unless I have asked for help in doing that.
So-I walk away.
My bf is prone to doing that. Dh knows better.

LadyMoon 01-02-2014 07:06 PM

Yeah well BF wasn't here, he is a truck driver and called just to check in. He asked what was wrong and heard it in my voice. I told him, nothing DH and I are arguing and he spent the entire phone call trying to make me laugh. I wasn't really in the mood for that, so I lied and said yeah I am laughing and smiling just to make him feel better lol. But still I wasn't sure how to handle this.

We are all new in this relationship and I am just not sure how to handle these situations.

LovingRadiance 01-02-2014 09:26 PM

I can understand how that would arise.
I came to poly via cheating-so lying, even for "little things" is a big no-no in my world.
I would have been honest and told him "I know you want to make me feel better and I appreciate the thought-but the truth is that what makes me feel best is when you support me as I work through the emotions I'm having. It just upsets me and confuses me when you try to make me laugh-becuase then I am not being authentic about my emotions; which means I'm lying to myself and you."

Sometimes; we don't even realize that what we are doing is creating a dynamic where lying is "natural". But if we start consciously paying attention, we can stop it. The more authentic and true we are to whatever it is we are really experiencing, the more we can learn and grow from it (as can the people around us).

LadyMoon 01-02-2014 09:30 PM

Yeah your right the little white lie was wrong. I just wasn't sure how to handle it at the moment. I was pissed at DH and BF was trying his hardest to make me smile. I just couldn't let him know I was not in the mood lol. We have so much to learn to make this all work out.

GalaGirl 01-02-2014 10:22 PM

It is ok in the moment to say "I don't know what I need right now. I am upset. But I know that I do not need humor stuff. I see you are trying to help, but really I just need a time out to gather myself together. When could I call you later? Is 8 PM ok?"

If you wanted to just process your anger at the time? And tell him so?

BF: What's wrong?

You: Just had argument with DH. Now I just want to process my anger.

BF: (spending call trying to make you laugh.)

You: I see that you are concerned for me and want to help comfort me with humor. But I am not in the mood or ready to engage in humor stuff. I am in the mood to process my anger:

At this time, I prefer to do it alone...
When is a good time for me to call you back when I am in better humor and can do a better phone visit with you? How about 8 PM?

At this time I would not mind processing some of it with you if you could be willing to just listen the way I want it for 30 min. Could you be willing?

If so, I can explain what I need in detail so you can see if you are able at this time to do it the way I need before going deep.

If not willing at this time? Or not enough time to do it well? We could make a date later to do it, or I could process with someone else first and update you with cliff notes later.

I am good either way. What do you prefer?

There. Done.

Don't lie. Then you get more of what you don't want -- jokey time when you are angry because he thinks it worked for you last time.

Could help him to do WELL by you by teaching him how you want to be treated and how you want to navigate emotional territory in future.

Could not lie to him about your emotional state/preferences and be teaching him how to treat you wrong. That serves neither of you well.


LadyMoon 01-02-2014 10:25 PM

Yeah that is how I should have dealt with it. He is also going through a lot right now and I guess I was overly worried about his feelings. Like I said we have so much to learn to make this all work out.

GalaGirl 01-02-2014 10:31 PM

It happens.

You can always tell him later "Hey, remember that call? I was thinking... could have handled it better and I had some ideas. Want to hear about it?"


LadyMoon 01-02-2014 10:33 PM


Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 256491)
It happens.

You can always tell him later "Hey, remember that call? I was thinking... could have handled it better and I had some ideas. Want to hear about it?"


Yeah there is that and a lot of things that we need to have some sit downs about. Like I said we are all so very very new to this. I am very thankful for this forum and the people in it. I am going to need a lot of support.

LovingRadiance 01-02-2014 11:38 PM

It's all good. Don't beat yourself up.

You know how I learned the lesson about "little white lies"?
I had a full fledged long term affair, got pregnant, had an abortion and had complications requiring help from my husband.

In comparison, needing to say "um.. you know, I was on the spot and unsure how to proceed, but during that call when I was upset; I know you wanted to cheer me up but.."
Seems MINOR! ;)

We ALL screw up. Every single one of us. So by all means; please don't think I was coming down on you! Not at all!
Just giving you some food for thought on how you could proceed in the future. :)

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