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-   -   Super Unsure (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68275)

NettleSparks8551 01-02-2014 06:20 AM

Super Unsure
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. Recently, I brought one of my (platonic) female friends around just to hang out. She's always had the dream of being in a triad relationship. Mind you, mentally and emotionally she's very very young.

I allowed them to hang out alone because I trust them. When I came home after work, my boyfriend out and asked me if I would be willing to enter into a triadic relationship with them. I immediately burst into tears and said "no", but after being told that I wasn't seeing the positives and given that I can't deny my boyfriend anything, I relented. We made the agreement that we would try it for a month and if I found at the end that I couldn't do it, we would dissolve the relationship and our relationships would go back to the way they were. While I knew that this was bullshit, and impossible, I agreed against my better judgement.

The first couple of weeks were really hard. It made me sick to my stomach to see them show each other any kind of affection and many times, I would avert my eyes so I wouldn't have to see it. She tried to be affectionate with me, but something in me just didn't want it. I had no interest in her romantically and I was beginning to resent her as my friend.

At the end of the first couple of weeks, they called me out on my aversions and my avoidance. I explained everything that I was feeling-that I had never wanted to be in this kind of relationship ( i still didn't), that I was only doing this for him, and how much it was hurting me. Again, he told me that i wasn't looking at all the positives and how great something like this could be, etc. I told him that I understand what he sees and that I truthfully wasn't writing off this kind of relationship, I just didn't think her and my personalities meshed well together in this setting.

Things got better for a couple of weeks. I was able to stomach their affection towards each other, though it did still hurt me to see it. However, right around the end of the month, those feelings of resentment started to resurface. I felt like no one was respecting how I was feeling. I felt like no one cared that this may truly not be for me and that they were just waiting for me to "see the positives". We had it out and I agreed that before I could do anything I would have to try to change my way of thinking about these things before I could do anything, and then we would see.

I am trying to alter my way of thinking about this. I truly don't think I will ever be able to love her romantically, having thought of her for so long as a sister. I do still feel that I would have to love her that way in order for it to not feel as though he simply has two girlfriends. I need someone's opinion on this. Am I in the wrong here? I do feel as though I was bullied into this. He's the one for me. He was before all this and I won't let this break us. I just don't feel as though this particular relationship is going to work and no one is listening to me.


WhatHappened 01-02-2014 06:52 AM

No, you're not wrong to feel this way. You have no romantic interest in her. This was pushed on you. You were bullied into this.

You say he's the one for you, but consider if a guy who pushes and cajoles and bullies you into a romantic, and presumably sexual, relationship with someone you don't want that with, is really the kind of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with.

The truth is, you don't necessarily have control over whether this will break the two of you.

NettleSparks8551 01-02-2014 07:33 AM

She says it's not necessary for me to be romantically interested in her for this to work. Is that true? It feels like a cop out to me.

WhatHappened 01-02-2014 07:42 AM

He's talking about a 'triadic' relationship, and you're saying she was trying to be affectionate with you, but you didn't want it and you have no interest in her romantically. You say if you don't love her that way, it's just him having two girlfriends.

This all sounds to me as if the two of them are trying to push some sort of romance/sexual thing between you and this girl. Is this what's happening?

If this is what's happening, they are in the wrong. It's pretty awful to try to push someone into a sexual, romantic situation they don't want.

Can poly work if he has two girlfriends. Most people here will say yes. I think it can in rare situations, but mostly I see a lot of drama and pain coming from it. In this case, as it's being pushed on you, I don't really foresee it ever being something you come to love. Because you're right, you are NOT being respected. And you will not ultimately be happy in this situation long term, where they see they can talk you in circles, push you into anything they want, and accuse you of being the problem if you don't just up and get sexual with anyone he or they brings in.

Emm 01-02-2014 07:53 AM


Originally Posted by WhatHappened (Post 256439)
I think it can in rare situations...

You don't think Vees work? Our mileage obviously varies significantly. I think they have a much better chance than a forced triad.

stillskies 01-02-2014 07:53 AM

Totally not wrong to feel that way. You were bullied into something that you do not want, and every time you try to express that - from what I'm gathering - you're being brushed off and ignored. It almost seems as though your feelings in this don't matter, and that's not right.

It's very difficult to see the positives in something when you don't want it. And how long are they willing to wait for you to "see the positives?" How long are you willing to keep trying to force yourself to be okay with something that you don't want? You say you don't want to let this break your relationship, but what if, in the course of all of this, you begin to resent him? Being forced into something has a tendency to breed resentment.

If she says you don't have to be romantically interested in her for it to work, then it isn't a triad. It's more of a vee with you and your friend as arms and your boyfriend as the hinge.

WhatHappened 01-02-2014 08:06 AM


Originally Posted by Emm (Post 256441)
You don't think Vees work? Our mileage obviously varies significantly. I think they have a much better chance than a forced triad.

I just said I think they can. I completely agree with you they have a much better chance than a forced triad.

NettleSparks8551 01-02-2014 08:08 AM

I'm not super clear on how a vee would work...can someone explain? It sounds a little like bigamy to me...

WhatHappened 01-02-2014 08:10 AM


Originally Posted by NettleSparks8551 (Post 256445)
I'm not super clear on how a vee would work...can someone explain? It sounds a little like bigamy to me...

A vee is exactly what you said above: he has two girlfriends. The two of you are not involved with each other in a vee.

london 01-02-2014 08:18 AM

Yeah, I don't think the OP wants a poly relationship at all, so whilst it a vee will mean she isnt pressured to have sex with the other woman, it wont make things okay.

Gain a spine and say no, I am not interested in non monogamy. It might mean you break up but at least you'll have your self respect.

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