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-   -   Lesbian Poly Talk, Maybe Help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68273)

stephnmelissa 01-02-2014 04:44 AM

Lesbian Poly Talk, Maybe Help
Hello Everyone,
Well my wife and I (Lesbian couple) are new to this forum and so far glad we have found it. So a bit about us is that years ago we decided to go poly (didn't actually know about the labels and lifestyle until recently though). At first it was mostly just sexual. As we kept meeting women and women who we just didn't click with emotionally we decided we wanted to find a long term equal third in our relationship. Since we weren't asking for the woman to be bi and into a man and a woman since we are a lesbian couple we thought maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Well about 3 years later we actually found a woman. It, unfortunately, was short lived though.
This woman was pretty much perfect for us we thought. When we were with her we did feel a completion to everything. We honestly both fell in love with her. But she ended it because even though she said she was ready for this type of relationship (she was in a similar one before) and long term she became scared. Personally I think she was scared of losing her independence with us and actually falling for us. I don't really know, it was a heartbreak that we have to move on from. She can confuse us all around when she barely speaks to us anymore but she still wants to say she has feelings for us and wants to see us. Ugh women.
Anyhow I guess what I should be getting at is the main thing for any possible help. Even though we are a lesbian couple is the unicorn hunter still relevant and should we just give up on that scenario altogether? I haven't found a lot of discussion on women with women with women poly pretty much anywhere. We want to find more like minded women to try something with but it is of course discouraging. We talk to many women interested in the possibility but the chemistry is never there. Maybe what we are looking for we have to high of a laundry list to even consider anyone. I don't know if we would be ready to branch out with poly on our own. It could be a possibility but I do very much love my wife and everything is always better when I'm with her anyways even with all of the women we have met over the years. In all honesty through our search it doesn't seem that the problem is us looking for an equal third, since many seem interested in that. We just can't find a woman who we both have great intellectual and sexual chemistry with. Any places you guys suggest to look at for like minded women?
Hope this wasn't to much or to everywhere. Thanks for any replies.

bookbug 01-02-2014 05:28 AM

While it doesn't sound like it was the issue, you might want to research "couple privilege," which can be tricky for any couple to navigate. Might not pertain to the issue with the third who changed her mind, but is good info to have nonetheless.

The issue for couples looking for a third, is that it is tough (although not impossible) to find someone who is going to be similarly attracted to both members of the couple and who each individual within the couple finds significantly attractive. Think about it this way: you both have friends that your spouse knows and may even like a lot, but you click with your friend more than your spouse does. Now you're adding romance and sex into the mix. See how that becomes a tall order? Not an impossible order, but very tough. There are people on this forum who have managed it, but it is relatively rare. Hopefully, they will chime in.

Personally having been in a long term poly-fi vee, I like the security of the family unit. However, many find that type of structure, not to mention a full on triad, too demanding and restrictive. So be prepared for the naysayers. That isn't to say, they don't have valid points - they often do - but learn from them and use the information in a way that fits your concept. It's just that yeah, what you're striving for is difficult to achieve.

stillskies 01-02-2014 07:46 AM

Hi! I haven't really found a lot of conversation re: lesbian couples/lesbian-related poly things here (my wife and I have a psuedo-triad with another woman), but going through and reading the other posts, particularly about triads, has definitely helped. Some things aren't relevant to the situation, obviously, but it's a good start.

I think bookbug's suggestion re: looking up couple privilege is a good idea, as well. It's interesting to start noticing the things that you wouldn't necessarily equate with being in a couple, especially if it's a long term relationship.

Good luck!

london 01-02-2014 08:22 AM

The main thing about unicorn hunters is the couple centric attitude. Any couple regardless of their gender can display couple centric behaviour.

london 01-02-2014 08:24 AM

Oh, and if you're not ready to date separately, you aren't ready for any form of poly. It would be different if you said you are stable enough for any form of polyamory, but prefer a triad. That's not what you're saying though.

stephnmelissa 01-02-2014 08:33 AM

Ok as I have been researching couple privilege let me clarify something a bit. The woman we were seeing not only did we see together (not just sexually but just being with her as a full relationship) we also saw on single basis. We spent time with her separately so she had a connection with us both in very different ways. The way I connected with her was not the same way my wife connected with her. We enjoyed being together as 3 but also enjoyed being together with each other separately in 2 as well. For us it was a great balance. She just wasn't ready, I guess. Her explanations always contradict themselves of why she ended it with us.
My wife and I have discussed very much about going off on our own and having relationships by ourselves with others. We are open to it but of course in the long run would love to find a triad like what we had with our ex but much longer term of course. If it doesn't happen well then life goes on. It is just our hope that something like what we had would still be possible in a much more concrete long term situation someday in the future. We are also trying to find where a good place to meet like minded women are because even the few occasions we have somewhat branched off by ourselves (and even together) there are a lot of women who think its all about sex or end up telling us (or the one of us) that they want to give their husband an anniversary gift... Obviously that isn't what we are looking for. We both are still young and have many goals to accomplish in our lives so we would like to keep the option open. And before anyone wants to become hostile about the "unicorn" situation we are open to going off on our own just confused on how exactly it would all work out, whether that be short term or long term. We are still generally new to the poly lifestyle and all of its possibilities. We are reading and researching through this forum (which is really great by the way) about triads, primaries and secondary relationships, other types of poly relationships. We have been seeking a triad I guess for years now but with terminology and in depth information, we are new to that. This forum is really helping with us learning how stable long term poly relationships can work and the different ways they are working. Thanks so far.

london 01-02-2014 09:06 AM

You'd go and meet women, your wife would go and meet women, and you'd hopefully develop a relationship with these women in similar way to how you built a relationship with your wife. Maybe, one of the women you or your wife meet will also be interested in both of you in a romantic way.

In any poly relationship, everyone has to acknowledge that people have other relationships to obtain and maintain and allow them the freedom and space (physical and emotional) to do so.

bookbug 01-02-2014 01:11 PM

I agree, it's tough to find not only like-minded individuals, but people who are also capable of building a relationship. I spent some time on OKCupid. I was looking to spend time with a woman (I fall along the bisexual spectrum, but haven't really explored it much. Was attempting to do so.) Like you, I was contacted by a few couples who wanted me to join them, and a bunch of guys who obviously never read my profile.

That said, some people do very well with OkCupid, but it seems that patience is a virtue. I personally found it taxing. I am one for whom there is no sexual attraction without connection, and while some wrote elegant profiles, I often found the actual conversation lacking. Decided if it was going to happen for me, it would happen more organically.

In other words, your experience is not unusual. :)

longgone 01-02-2014 07:49 PM

I guess I never really appreciated how hard it can be to get a poly thing going especially for a lesbian couple. The entire poly thing just sort of happened for my wife and I, and I thank my lucky stars for that, because we both love it. Our other relationships are very fulfilling, our relationship together is stronger because of those, and it's a great emotional support system for everyone involved. I've never been happier.

I can however relate on one level. It was damn near impossible for me to find lesbian or bisexual girls before I met my partner, especially when I compare it to how easy it was for me to get guys.

So, in any case, hang in there. I'm sure you'll find a woman (or women) who you can both love if you keep looking.

LoveBunny 01-04-2014 05:57 PM

I'm a bisexual woman, married (to a monogamous man.) I find it extremely challenging to meet women willing to engage with me on an emotional level.

I would absolutely date one or more members of a lesbian couple. In fact I had a flirtation with a lesbian couple here in my town that seemed promising, but lately they have so much drama between them I don't think they're in a place to consider polyamory.

I'm learning that one of the challenges of being married but dating is that dating becomes not just about finding a person you're attracted to and compatible with, but about finding a person open to the kind of relationship you're available for. For example, I already have a long-term "primary" commitment, so I would not be available for the sort of live-in triad you ultimately dream of. So would you date someone like me, or would you hold out for someone who doesn't already have a life partner and has a better chance of fulfilling your desires?

I've been wondering lately about where my personal line falls between "having unreasonable expectations" and "lowering my standards." For example, if I can't find a woman, married or otherwise, willing to be the girlfriend of a married woman, should I try out some of those girls on OKCupid who will only do it with me if their boyfriend watches? What about women who say they just want a "friends with benefits?" Could I be satisfied with that?

Some schools of thought say you should just let relationships evolve into whatever they're meant to be without any expectations as to a certain outcome, but then others say you won't get the relationship(s) you're looking for if you settle for less than your desires. I lean toward the second school of thought, personally, and at this point in my life.

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