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-   -   New and wondering if I'm alone in this! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68260)

eagle 01-01-2014 01:40 AM

New and wondering if I'm alone in this!
Hi all! I'll try to keep my description as brief but clear as possible. :o)

Married to my high school sweetheart almost 20 years. 3 years ago, I confessed to him I was worried that I was having an "emotional affair" with an older man who had become a mentor, and I asked him if he was ok with the feelings I was having. Instead of being repelled, he actually said he'd like it if things got sexual, because he thought that was really erotic. He had never told me because we had only ever been with each other (EVER!) and he thought I would feel he didn't love me if I knew he could so easily "share me."

In the very beginning, I told him I didn't know if I could share him. . .and he said that was fine.

That particular relationship did continue to evolve---but because of circumstances it can't ever be PHYSICALLY sexual, nor is it local. We have a lot of virtual fun though! LOL! I do deeply love him and he adds immeasurable dimension to my life. Realizing what a benefit this other relationship was to ME and to my marriage, I invited hubby to look for a special friend. After several months, he did connect with someone and has been in a long-term relationship with her for about a year now. She knows that I know and I support their relationship. She isn't interested in a relationship with ME, nor am I with her, so that works fine. It IS a sexual relationship, and hubby was very careful and respectful of my feelings as that evolved. I'm fine with that and happy that he has her. She is VERY good to him and very good for him (and therefore good for us.)

So then a few months ago, hubby asked me to consider finding another partner with whom I could cultivate a sexual relationship. He thought it would be good for me (and only fair since he has gotten to experience another person.) I was reluctant at first because of issues with self-esteem and body image, but now I have the most amazing OTHER, who seems to truly treasure me. And I also treasure him. That's about 3 months old.

So WHAT IS THIS? We are NOT swinging, never had a threesome, we don't have multiple partners. . .we both just have each other as well as OTHER love relationships. We have no desire to live with the others or "do life" with them. We are both just open to learning what we are supposed to learn from these other people in our lives who we love. But it sounds so completely unreal and against every social norm.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Any success stories, or warnings we should be aware of?

Thanks in advance! Looking forward to learning from all of you!

london 01-01-2014 09:16 AM

It's polyamory and a relationship style most of us on this site lead to some degree.

Magdlyn 01-01-2014 02:23 PM

Yes, it's called being polyamorous. Many newbies think being poly means a couple sharing one lover, or constant group sex of some kind, but actually the way you and your husband and lovers are doing it is much more common, and successful, and less complicated, and less stressful, and less prone to triggering jealous feelings, than triads, or quads, or several lovers each.

Glad it's working out so well for both of you! How nice that you trust each other, and found this way for more sexual and love experiences, despite being virgins when you committed to each other.

Dagferi 01-01-2014 08:42 PM

I have two husbands. In my case I have two seperate homes. My relationships are seperate but equal .

kdt26417 01-01-2014 11:15 PM

Greetings eagle,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I would venture to say you have a type of polyamory one might call a "primary/secondary" model. You and your husband each have a boyfriend/girlfriend, who are secondary to your primary marital relationship. This doesn't mean you don't love and respect your boyfriend/girlfriend, it just means they're not as involved with your life as much as you and your husband are with each other's lives.

Some great success stories can be found in Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness. Also you might like the Life stories and blogs board.

All I can think right off hand to warn you of is to see that communication between the four adults here never gets compromised in any way. Communication is vital to making a poly relationship work. Also read as much stuff on the threads and boards here as you can. Post if you have any questions.

It sounds like you have a great setup and are wonderfully supportive to one another. Keep that up!

Glad to have you aboard.
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

nycindie 01-04-2014 04:59 AM


Originally Posted by eagle (Post 256375)
So WHAT IS THIS? We . . . don't have multiple partners.

Well, yes you do. They may not be partners in the sense that your husband is, but they are partners in friendship and sex, etc., so yes, you have multiple partners.


Originally Posted by eagle (Post 256375)
. . . we both just have each other as well as OTHER love relationships. We have no desire to live with the others or "do life" with them.

That's still poly. You don't have to have or want a totally entwined living-together situation to practice polyamory. All poly is is the ability or desire to have multiple loving relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved. Sounds like that's what you've got... and it sounds great to me!

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