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-   -   NRE how long to do begin worrying? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68213)

bofish 12-29-2013 04:19 PM

NRE how long to do begin worrying?
 
I'm all a flutter. I finally met someone who I'm deeply attracted to online. He said it's mutual. He is traveling and set up a date for when he gets back. He's been emailing me everyday - said he might not have access for awhile, but kept emailing. Then, he asked me to send more pictures which I did. I really haven't gotten a response since then.

Advice: Should I worry? Does this seem "headed south?"

The bigger question is am I ready to "do this again?" I get so "attached" so quickly. I'm still getting over my last boyfriend who I haven't seen in six months or spoken to in a few weeks.

london 12-29-2013 04:24 PM

It's going to be a rough ride if you develop attachments and expectations from people you've only emailed

bofish 12-29-2013 04:32 PM

O no, that's not quite what I mean...I mean we have a date set up. Place, time, act. It's a date we made. In my experience, men flake out or change their minds. Sometimes they disappear. What would "reasonable" expectations be for you regarding emailing? I have been asking myself this question both for how men treat me and how I treat them. For example, there is a guy I mailed for about two weeks. Finally he sent a picture. I was not attached. What would be the most civil procedure. 1. Not respond. 2. Respond and say I don't feel it.
3. Lie 4. Go meet him anyway because he's terribly funny.

I think the anonymity creates a lot off behavior that people wouldn't ordinarily do. I'm just trying to navigate that and also pressure myself to act with kindness and civility.

Dagferi 12-29-2013 04:40 PM

Nothing is real until you meet face to face. Don't get all twitterpated by someone you have never met.

bookbug 12-29-2013 04:41 PM

I can't ever judge my attraction or not off of a picture. While I may take note of a person's physical attractiveness, I never feel sexual attraction until I get to know them, and a connection is made.

I would go anyway. But you know yourself better than I do.

And besides, if there is no chemistry, he could be a friend.

bofish 12-29-2013 04:49 PM

Excellent advice all! Thank you.

How do you deal with it when you write to people for awhile and then lose interest. Do you just blow them off or send them a note? Do any of you send messages after the date (whether you like someone or not)?

london 12-29-2013 04:56 PM

I try to make sure I've sent the last message to people I'm attracted to so I know when they've petered out

LoveBunny 12-29-2013 05:57 PM

I'm always amazed when I hear people claim to have feelings for someone they've never met in person. I feel there's way too much room for fantasy and projection when you haven't spent time face to face. Plus, for me, touch and smell is so much part of the equation.

I recently had a woman I was talking to online and by phone say "I just can't stop thinking about you," and I was uncomfortable with that. Really, she was just fantasizing about a woman she's never met who looks like pictures she's seen of me, has my name and has the same job as me. I mean, the woman she's thinking about isn't really me, how could it be when she's never seen how I move, doesn't know what my hair smells like, or if my touch is strong or soft?

Personally, I have no interest in lingering long in the message/phone/skype stage. I flake off if someone doesn't find time to meet face to face after a week or two, as I see no point in interacting daily with someone I haven't met yet. Like the guy you've been talking to, I would probably stop emailing/txting once a face-to-face meeting was set up, because the face-to-face will determine whether the relationship continues or not.

I don't think New Relationship Energy is the right term here--a couple of weeks worth of email and one upcoming date isn't a relationship. New Attraction Energy?

Natja 12-29-2013 06:11 PM

If I have a nice date but I just did not feel an attraction I would write a nice note to them thanking them for a lovely date and wishing them well. If the date was a hot mess that I felt like walking out on, than I take the silent road.

Natja 12-29-2013 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoveBunny (Post 256184)
I'm always amazed when I hear people claim to have feelings for someone they've never met in person. I feel there's way too much room for fantasy and projection when you haven't spent time face to face. Plus, for me, touch and smell is so much part of the equation.



I know it drives me nuts, my other online community is very prone to it and people tend to make claim on people they don't even know, that is why there is much more fraudsters lurking about the place looking for naive couples....


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