Need to vent
It's been a while since I've been here. Mostly because. I am not poly anymore. What am I? HEART BROKEN! Hurt, sad, pissed, and most all lost. I cannot believe in poly anymore. After a 10 year marriage poly has broken us apart. How can he do this to me? He told me that he would never leave me for her. I believed and trusted him. How could I be so stupid to believe poly would work? How can I believe that everything would be ok? How could I let this happen?
Now granted we were having some issues before but I thought we were doing alot better. Guess I was stupid enough to believe we were ok. Even though he wasn't the nicest to me, I still loved him so much that I didn't care. Not just for me but for our kids.
Now that we are no longer together I moved across the country with my kids. He agreed with it because he knew it would be best for me and the kids to be with my family. I have nothing in az. The only reason I was there was for him. I have no family. So we knew that moving was best. But was it? Part of me says it was because I can't stand to be near them. It makes me sick to my stomach. I just want to punch them, or I just want to lay down and cry. But I don't know how right it was because I took my children 2000 miles away from their dad.
The kids are doing pretty well. They are in school and doing really good. They have friends. Seeing all their aunts uncles and cousins. They are happy. Most of the time. Then there are those times they just cry for their daddy and it breaks my heart. Was this right?
I just keep asking my self why? Why did he do this? Why did I allow this to happen? Ive asked him what have i done to deserve this. i have been through so much with him. a baby who almost died and almost killed me, his moms death, and weight loss surgery (for him) ive been there for him through everything, i dont deserve this. he tells me ive done nothing wrong. Sometimes I just want to lay down and die. I can't stand the heartbreak, the anger that I have. Sometimes I just wonder if I wasn't here......it would make the pain go way. But then I think of my children and how horrible it would be to not have their mom. I can't do that to my kids. So i hide my pain and continue with life.
Sometimes I wonder where would I be in life if we did not become poly. And I truly believe that we would still be together. Living together in az and doing our daily things. But that's not life anymore. I need to come back to reality and realize what I've done. I need to move on. But how??
I know this is really long and I'm sorry. Please if your gonna comment please no I told you so or mean/rude comments. I don't need to hear that right now. Today I'm just feeling really down and needed to write this out. Needed somewhere to vent.
I am so sorry! Your story just sucks in the worst way.
There were a couple of things that struck me in your post.
First your belief that mistakes *you alone made* brought you to this place. Sweetie, you weren't in the marriage alone, but it certainly sounds like it. Like you had total responsibility for making it work. Your ex had just as much responsibility, and he did not do it. Have you ever heard the phrase that you can do everything right and still lose? When he says that you didn't do anything wrong, he is probably telling you the truth.
We are taught by our society that if we just try hard enough we will get what we want. We are taught by society that if we didn't get what we want, it is our fault. Much of the time this belief is totally inaccurate. This is one of those times. I don't know what the issues were in your marriage, but again, you were not in that marriage alone. You can't preserve a marriage the other partner does not want to preserve. You need to quit blaming yourself and second guessing the decisions you made. While I understand your distaste for poly, you could have said no, and he could just as easily have chosen to leave anyway. It happens in monogamous marriages all the time. Quit using your consent to be polyamorous as a club to beat yourself up for what happened.
Secondly, it sounds like your husband was not interested in maintaining his responsibilities to the marriage. I say this not because of the way that he treated you, but because he allowed you to move the children 2000 miles away from him. Yes, the reasoning sounds okay - but I know a guy who is getting divorced and he would follow his children to the ends of the earth. He just wanted away from the strife in his marriage that two marriage counselors were unable to fix - but not away from his responsibilities. It would kill this man to be away from his kids like that.
I am not trying to paint a picture of your ex as a horrible person, but that said, given his behavior is he really worth all your tears? I get that you feel very rejected. But, from my perspective, it is time you start rejecting him.
And I also would suggest therapy. While it is great to come and vent, I think you need more assistance than people on a forum can give.
I, too, would agree with what bookbug said. But, please, in your grief, don't allow yourself to fall victim to blaming a thing, rather than the person. It's easy to think that if you hadn't "let" him be poly, you'd still be together. And maybe you would. But you couldn't prevent him from meeting and falling in love with this other woman...at best, he'd end up cheating (and lying to you), or go off to have a secret life with her...at worst, you'd end up in the same place you are now. Clearly he was never committed to you....preventing him from "committing" to someone else (do you really think she won't end up getting betrayed like you did?) won't solve anything. He wasn't right for you. If he was, poly would only bring you closer together, not tear you apart. He may just not be a good person....
If I can give you just one piece of advice to help move forward, it would be this:
Focus on the person, not the relationship style. If poly truly doesn't work for you, then that's okay. Find someone who is monogamous, who craves that sense of belonging and possession that you do...that you are HIS only, as he is YOURS only....that is a beautiful thing to many people.
But don't for a second think that you can find a person, tell him monogamy is required, and think that will prevent your situation from happening again. You'll only get hurt, sweetie.
I am sorry for your loss. Divorce is not easy and healing from divorce is not easy. You will go through the stage of grief.
If you think you need some support through that process, maybe you could look at a counselor? Or talk to family/friends now that they are closer as you begin to make sense of your experience? Both -- in appropriate ways?
While tempting to blame it on polyshipping in general, or the GF, or your husband, or yourself in anger... be careful.
Anger turned outward inappropriately hurts relationships.
Anger turned inward inappropriately becomes depression.
You could have to find a way to process that anger out without hurting yourself or others. If writing helps you vent -- write then.
You yourself state there were problems in the marriage before and you were not willing to see it for what it was:
For a marriage to exist?
He tells you that you did nothing wrong. To me that sounds like his willingness/ability changed.
Even in a non-polyship, one partner can get to a place where they no longer want to be married.
Let your friends and family support you in appropriate ways -- for example, watching the kids to free you up to go to counseling appointments.
Again I am very sorry. Divorce is not easy. :(
It simply takes TIME to heal from it and this sounds really fresh for you still. Please take care of you.
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