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Mobeus 12-27-2013 12:28 AM

Am I polyamorous?
So I used to be a one relationship kinda guy but I think I might have changed a bit. I'm gay and I would always talk/flirt with multiple guys even when I'm still dating. I'm finally in a legit relationship and I'm finding myself wanting to flirt with other guys and go on other dates as well. I'm starting to fall for my boyfriend and still feel this way. I do enjoy 3somes and open relationships. My partner does not like me doing this and equates flirting to cheating (which I have not done out of respect to him). I'm feeling like I want more but I don't even know if I would enjoy a polyamorous relationship, although I'm completely not jealous at all. If my partner cheated on me or flirted with others or even dated someone else it would not bother me a bit besides the std possibility. Do you guys recommend a monogamous relationship? I don't think it'll be easy dumping him and Idk if I can even find someone okay with polyamory if I am poly myself. I'm seeing a therapist about this in a few weeks but Idk.

kdt26417 12-27-2013 06:35 AM

Sounds like you're poly (or at least non-monogamous) at heart to me.

You'll have to decide if you can stand to live monogamously with your partner, and for how long. If/when you get to the point where you need that to change, you'll have to have a long talk with him about the principles of polyamory. Try also this book:

"Opening Up," by Tristan Taormino.

If he's still adamant about both of you remaining monogamous, you might have to reconsider your future with him (and whether it's good for either of you to stay together). Not a happy thought but what can you do when there's some kind of deep-down incompatibility. The alternative would be to pretend you're happy while the years roll by and you become increasingly unsatisfied.

Is that what will happen, or can you truly learn to be happy with monogamy? The answer to this question lies deep in your own heart.

Mono/poly couples exist and have been made to work, but it takes a lot of effort on the part of both partners. How much work is your partner willing to invest in learning to tolerate the practice of poly on your part? Indeed, would he even want to practice poly himself? Something to think about.

Talk to your therapist about these matters, and hopefully more Polyamory.com members will chime in as well.

Kevin T.

Bromios 12-30-2013 11:39 PM

Hi Mobeus,

I'm still new to this, but your situation sounds a lot like the one i was in a few years ago, so i hope you won't mind me chiming in.

I was monogamous for 6 years in two relationships, but always felt constrained by it, like i wanted more. I managed to be loyal, but it was a constant effort, until one day i just had to admit monogamy wasn't for me.

I'm poly, my husband is mono. Though we haven't added anyone else to our romantic situation yet, we have dealt with sexual openness. It's required a lot of work, and no doubt will require a lot of effort in future. But that's relationships, mono or poly.

The same is true for the fears you have. I know it's scary: I was terrified sitting my then fiance down to have 'the talk'. What if he didn't accept it? What if it ruined everything? What if i couldn't find anyone else: was i risking my relationship with him for nothing? But I'm a big believer that, regardless of the possible outcomes, honesty is always the best policy in relationships. I didn't talk to my ex, and wound up resenting and pulling away from him until he had an affair and broke up with me.

I would, however, wait until you've spoken to your therapist before having the talk. And be sure, when you do sit down together, that you're clear that this is not a reflection on him or your feelings for him.

At the end of the day, only you can decide what you want and need out of life. And your bf will decide what he wants and needs. And the pieces will fall where they may.

I truly hope everything turns out ok, and you can work through it together.

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