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-   -   Jealous behavior (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68161)

shurikenlove 12-26-2013 05:53 AM

Jealous behavior
 
I've been lurking for a while now and I feel comfortable asking you all for some advice. Sorry in advance for the long post.

I'm dating G and we have a 3 month Old, N. G is married to L (she was dating C, but he broke up with her after finding out she was pregnant) and they have a 2 month old, J. My relationship with G was great at first, but it began to deteriorate during mine and L's pregnancies. Our relationship is even worse post-pregnancies. L has begun to display some really awful passive-aggressive jealous tendencies. For example: L lets J get down to his last few diapers and tells G he can't stay at my place long because he needs to go and get diapers. She calls G over and over while he's at my place about things that are 2 weeks away or because the baby is crying or other things that aren't pressing and could be discussed when he gets home.

There are many more examples, but I need to get to my question: how do I tell G that I think L is jealous and potentially over being poly? Or do you all think I'm reading into her behavior too much?

london 12-26-2013 07:32 AM

A new baby is a time when the people who are going to parent the baby need extra resources from one another. The three of you chose to have babies very close together and that will mean your shared partner will be extremely stretched. It might help if all three adults and the two babies spend time together. The children are siblings anyway and having them bond should be part of the plan, regardless of how the adults feel about each other.

Game changers like marriage, illness, a new baby etc are prime times for revaluation. She might be reconsidering poly or she might be simply wanting the extra support we need from our partners and loved ones at poignant times.

Your partner has to take more onus for creating two children close together. The women both chose to have a baby, he chose to have two. One way he could do that is to make sure each mother has a days worth of supplies before he leaves them.

shurikenlove 12-26-2013 07:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 255866)
A new baby is a time when the people who are going to parent the baby need extra resources from one another. The three of you chose to have babies very close together and that will mean your shared partner will be extremely stretched. It might help if all three adults and the two babies spend time together. The children are siblings anyway and having them bond should be part of the plan, regardless of how the adults feel about each other.

Game changers like marriage, illness, a new baby etc are prime times for revaluation. She might be reconsidering poly or she might be simply wanting the extra support we need from our partners and loved ones at poignant times.

Your partner has to take more onus for creating two children close together. The women both chose to have a baby, he chose to have two. One way he could do that is to make sure each mother has a days worth of supplies before he leaves them.

That's another thing. I got pregnant by accident. I think he got her pregnant on purpose because he knew it would upset her if he and I had a child and they didn't. When he told her I was pregnant and further along she didn't like it.

I buy all of my own supplies, and I never run out. He has purchased one pack of diapers and handed me $50 in 3 months. I don't need his money because I work full time.

I used to love when we would all spend time together, but she complains about J constantly, and when she's not whining about him she's holding N and trying to block me out altogether. Her body language is bad. I don't like when people play games when there are children involved. G is completely oblivious to the bad body language and he enables her complaining.

She had some jealous tendencies before but I guess it was easier to overlook then.

I'm just stressed and I don't know how to talk to G. Our relationship is strained enough without bad blood between L and I.

london 12-26-2013 09:36 AM

You just need to be in the same place sometimes so the children can bond with their sibling and their father. If you feel that your child's access to their father is threatened, split up so there are no complications and then arrange formal visitation and/or child support.

BigGuy 12-26-2013 12:34 PM

Your issue is wirh G, not L.

If you want time with him that is uninterrupted, then it is up to him to ensure that time is uninterrupted. Whether that means he steps up and makes sure she has everything she needs, or making arrangements so that L can get what she needs without relying on G. If she continues to interrupt your time with G, your issue is still with G. It is up to G to figure out how to provide you with uninterrupted time together, if that's what is important to you. You don't have to get into why you think she is interrupting your time together because as far as you're concerned, it's irrelevant. It's not your issue, it's theirs.

If you're not enjoying your time with L, you need to talk to her directly. There's no reason to bring G into the middle. If you can't come to an agreement to be nice to each other, then don't spend time with her.

shurikenlove 12-26-2013 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigGuy (Post 255875)
Your issue is wirh G, not L.

If you want time with him that is uninterrupted, then it is up to him to ensure that time is uninterrupted. Whether that means he steps up and makes sure she has everything she needs, or making arrangements so that L can get what she needs without relying on G. If she continues to interrupt your time with G, your issue is still with G. It is up to G to figure out how to provide you with uninterrupted time together, if that's what is important to you. You don't have to get into why you think she is interrupting your time together because as far as you're concerned, it's irrelevant. It's not your issue, it's theirs.

If you're not enjoying your time with L, you need to talk to her directly. There's no reason to bring G into the middle. If you can't come to an agreement to be nice to each other, then don't spend time with her.

No one talks to L if they have an issue of any sort. Even their friends and family prefer to talk to G. L will burst into tears at the drop of a hat and claim a stress induced migraine in order to avoid conflict resolution. I'm not very skilled in dealing with her personality type, so I wouldn't know where to start, but you are correct. It's not my issue. That actually makes feel better.

I would like to go back to enjoying the time we all spend together. I've never been anything but accommodating and loving towards her, so I just don't know where this is all coming from. I've been a shoulder to cry on and supported her and even gotten out of bed and driven to pick her up from work when she had a meltdown. I thought we were friends.

bookbug 12-26-2013 11:14 PM

One thing to consider is that it sounds like L does not have a very stable personality in the best of times, and now she (and you) has post-pregnancy hormones to add to mix. Some people react more strongly to hormonal changes, and she may be one of them. This may make her even less stable. So her behavior is probably less about you and more about her ability to cope in general.

That said, I empathize with your dilemma. While I do think it is beneficial to give others the benefit of the doubt and be accomodating as possible, I had to learn the hard way, that rare individuals will allow me to do all the accomodating and ask for more, while he or she gives nothing and are totally offended at the thought that I might expect him or her to actually compromise and contribute. L sounds much like the person who taught me this lesson. Perhaps, she is not; I hope she is not.

shurikenlove 12-26-2013 11:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbug (Post 255901)
One thing to consider is that it sounds like L does not have a very stable personality in the best of times, and now she (and you) has post-pregnancy hormones to add to mix. Some people react more strongly to hormonal changes, and she may be one of them. This may make her even less stable. So her behavior is probably less about you and more about her ability to cope in general.

That said, I empathize with your dilemma. While I do think it is beneficial to give others the benefit of the doubt and be accomodating as possible, I had to learn the hard way, that rare individuals will allow me to do all the accomodating and ask for more, while he or she gives nothing and are totally offended at the thought that I might expect him or her to actually compromise and contribute. L sounds much like the person who taught me this lesson. Perhaps, she is not; I hope she is not.

She had a strange childhood because her mom went round the twist for a time and she hasn't fully dealt with that. And she's not a mean spirited person, so I feel bad for the way I'm feeling towards her right now. I'm not feeling that great towards G either, but he can deal with sitting down and discussing what's wrong. I sincerely hope that things improve soon. This is more stress than I'm emotionally equipped for at the moment.

WhatHappened 12-26-2013 11:34 PM

...meanwhile, back at the ranch, there are two babies who didn't ask to be brought into any of this. Who cares if he tried to get her pregnant. Who cares if your pregnancy was accidental. Does this somehow make you a better person, or he shouldn't be buying diapers for his kid because you think he deliberately impregnated his wife (as if that's some crime) or what exactly does accidental and deliberate have to do with anything? These are simply two babies who need diapers, food, love, holding, peaceful environments ideally, and some stability from the adults in their lives.

He should be helping his wife out with a brand new baby. He should be buying diapers for his own child. Frankly, he ought to be buying diapers for both his children. It's beside the point whether you need his money or not. That's his child.

I hope all three adults involved can stop focusing on themselves and pointing fingers and start putting these two brand new babies first. :(

Inyourendo 12-26-2013 11:38 PM

Would it be easier if you guys lived together or next door like in a duplex?


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