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-   -   Greetings/Advice? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68133)

Thingsihaveloved 12-23-2013 11:56 PM

Greetings/Advice?
 
I'm a 25-year-old lady in a relationship with a 25-year-old dude. I'm bi, he's pretty straight. We've been together about 2.5 years, and several months ago, he told me he wanted to be non-monogamous. I have struggled with this, mainly because of semantics and labels, which often come across as esoteric jargon to me. Also, I sometimes snarl at the idea of him buying flowers for some other woman. But I was always interested in various sexual ventures that included multiple people, so we decided that pursuing others (individuals and couples) together would be a fine first foray into opening the relationship.

Some things to note: I see nothing wrong with non-monogamy. I do have some reservations about making non-monogamy a lifestyle or like a banner that we wave around as though our preference for romantic or sexual relationships somehow defines us. I've REALLY struggled with this. I guess I just don't want it to take over my life? But my partner is SO enthusiastic about it that it's been practically the only thing he talks about since he brought it up, and it has made me sad because our lives are about many other things, not just who we're going to date next.

Anyway, we found a woman we both liked, took her out, decided to rendez-vous for a threesome. It went well, except for one thing that rubbed me the wrong way: we had just gotten to the hotel and were sort of milling about getting things together, and when I went into the bathroom, I came out to find that they had gotten started in my absence.

He later said that he found it a bit uncomfortable as well, to be starting something when I wasn't in the room to be included.

But we met up with her again, and once more, when I had my back turned (pulling out various fun toys) when I turned back, they were already naked and making out. Then, later, we were all in bed snuggling, post-sexytimez, and I got up to use the restroom. ONCE AGAIN, as soon as I left the room, they took it as a cue to get things started again.

I am trying not to overreact, because once I have joined in with them, it is pretty inclusive and I stop feeling left out. But it doesn't feel great when your partner tells you he wants to have sex with you and someone else, but then demonstrates that he really only feels like that once you've left the room. I am hating the feeling that they want me to be gone so they can go on without me.

Is this just weird, awkward, new-at-threesomes behavior (note: the woman we are seeing is NOT new at threesomes) or should I consider making it a point to never leave a room again?

Also: hi, everyone. =)

kdt26417 12-24-2013 12:59 AM

Greetings Thingsihaveloved,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

If you'll forgive me throwing another label your way, I'll assume that this seeming preference your man has for this new woman is because of NRE (New Relationship Energy). You could call it the "honeymoon phase." It tends to wear off after several months or a year or two, but while it's around it's intoxicating and can impair judgment. Your man isn't realizing how this is affecting you because he's so caught up in the excitment of this new-and-shiny thing.

About the best you can do is schedule a sit-down where you and your man (and you might consider including the other woman too) have time away from the cares of the world to talk about various thoughts and issues that arise in your relationships. In the early stages of an open or poly relationship, in fact, I suggest starting with a once-a-week sit-down. Doing so will give you an opportunity to let him (and her) know that it's making things difficult for you to have them start without you, and that you need to establish some guidelines at least for the time being.

Of course to be fair you have to be willing to listen to what they have to say in a fully engaged way, without using their turn to talk as an opportunity to form a good response. If anything, your initial response would be to repeat back to them what they just said in your own words and make sure you understand correctly. Then address their concerns as needed before stating your own thoughts and feelings. Hopefully by setting this good example you'll find that they'll soon follow suit.

It's hard to share your vulnerable feelings when you just want him to want you and you don't feel like he does. But give him a chance to show you he cares by revealing how hard certain things have been on you. Again remember he is flooded with pheromones right now, and not thinking clearly. He needs a wake-up call as he isn't being as attentive to you as he should be. Don't say it as, "You should be doing such and such;" just say that, "This is really hard for me when this happens," and ask for a set of boundaries at least for now that would stave off that initial ick.

I think if you do a search (tag search better yet) for NRE you will find a lot of people's stories that testify this type of thing is often a problem in the early stages of the poly relationship. Don't worry too much about it as it's not that your man is less interested in you per se, it's just that a force of nature has overshadowed his mind.

I hope we can be of help for you, and I'll be willing to chime in whenever you need some advice or support.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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Magdlyn 12-24-2013 01:30 AM

Hi, welcome to the world of non monogamy.

What you are describing seems like casual threesome sex and not polyamory. It can be fun, or it can have awkward moments like you described, and an infinite number of other mishaps.

Group sex can be more fun in fantasy than reality. I personally don't enjoy it all that much because I always seem to try and stage manage so everyone's needs get met. I've done it a bunch, 3somes and a 4some, and unless you're all great at communicating, people can definitely feel left out.

My gf and bf like it tho, so sometimes it happens and I try and make the best of it and not overthink it later. There's always a next time to get that balance just right. I think some people manage it better than others.

PolyinPractice 12-24-2013 10:32 PM

I'd recommend never leaving the room again. I understand you got off to a rough start. .... having them start without you the first time. But a rule in poly, which is the community you've approached for help, is you either forgive a partner or move on. You can't keep punishing. Which is exactly what you're doing by being upset that they get naked or make out when you're not looking right at them. It's a weird rule... and I doubt you'll ever get her, especially, to follow it.

Now. You aren't poly, so not sure I can offer more advice. ... but perhaps analyze what it is that is making you uncomfortable for them to play when you are out of the room?

Quath 12-25-2013 06:00 AM

I wouldn't make too much out of them starting up when you leave the room. There are a lot of possibilities. It could be NRE. It could be that they feel awkward and feel sex would break the tension. It could be that it is easier to start up sex when it is two people than three. I think it is worth talking about it, but I would not let it turn into too big of an issue. Figure out why this bugs you and work from there.

I find a good way to see if polyamory is for you is to look up compersion and see if you think you can feel that. And then imagine if you feel you could love more than one person at a time. If both ideas seem plausible, you may be ok with polyamory.

nycindie 12-26-2013 12:10 AM

Sorry you're feeling ickiness about your threesomes, but I think your problem is mostly due to assumptions you've made. Is it a race or competition? Is there some reason why you believe everyone involved should get the same amount of attention at the exact same time? Why don't you try to step back and observe them together for a while when you're with them next time, and see if you can let yourself feel comfortable with your bf expressing his sexuality in the way that he sees fit -- instead of trying to meet some expectation you have that it should be "equal" somehow? I also think you two need to keep communicating a lot more about what each of you want and need out of this kind of open arrangement.


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