Triad relationship - one is long distance.
Hey there. My name's Pen. I'm female to male trans (so refer to me as "he", please) dating two wonderful transwomen. I'm engaged to one. Our girlfriend is sadly long distance - and by long distance I mean she's in a different country entirely.
Now, I'd love for her to move here of course, after she finishes up training, but I'm also torn because I don't want to put her in a situation where she's far from home and wants to go back, or feels uncomfortable and doesn't want to say because she went all this way for us.
Right now she's just going to visit for a while for about a month when she's able (probably around February) and I came here for ideas to keep her from feeling homesick and being open about whether or not she likes it here. I just want to make sure she's comfortable, but she's shy and doesn't always speak up if she's not feeling well. Thankfully everyone is open with each other but when it comes to something huge like uprooting yourself like that for a relationship, I just want to be as sure and cautious as possible.
Alternatively, am I overreacting or being too paranoid? Thanks all for reading.
First question, how long have all of these relationships been? (you+fiance, you+GF, fiance+GF).
You said "triad" so I assume that all three of you are involved with each other - correct me if I am wrong, because that does change the dynamic.)
Do you currently live with your fiance?
Was there ever a time when you all lived in the same place?
How did that go?
How old were the relationships then?
A month-long visit seems like a good "trial run" but being a guest is still a whole lot different then uprooting your life. If she did move there, would the plan be for her to move in with you (or you+fiance if you live together)? Would you be supporting her while she found work? Or would she not move until she had employment set up? Will she have the resources to travel "home" if she feels the need? Could she move back "home" readily if it doesn't work out? What if I doesn't work out with just one of you?
So many details and things to consider...
I don't really know any tricks on the "helping someone not feel homesick" front...(it's something I have never experienced and I don't do serious LDR.)
We are all involved with each other, yup.
We could probably send her home after 2-3 months of work if she wanted to go back, even if she wasn't working.
We'd be roommates if it didn't work out, if she wants to stay in the states. I'm not gonna be like "oh everything is roses and sunshine forever" but I think we know each other well enough that living in the same house wouldn't be an issue. Same goes for my fiancee. Unless something irreversibly catastrophic happened, we'd be roommates after a breakup. There's also friends we can live with nearby if stuff did get bad. And regardless of what happens I really don't want to strand someone in a place they don't want to be, so I'd do my best to get our gf home if she wanted to leave regardless of relationship status.
I'm heading off to bed but I'll reply to responses in the morning.
I think making sure she has her own space, if not a room, will help. Even if she has her room but sleeps with you every night, the mental space will be appreciated. Particularly if/when things get rough. It sounds like you have reasonable get out plans if things go pear shaped so I don't think you can do much more. Just try and let her see what your normal would be like quite quickly, rather than being in "vacation" mode and giving you all a false impression of how normal would be.
That's a very good point, thank you. And I didn't think about the normal living thing either, we were going to go to an event but now that you mention it, might be better to plan for some small things that we normally do and not a ton of outings for the sake of it.
Thanks all for the responses!
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In addition to the excellent advice given so far, I'll add that it's been my experience that homesickness is usually caused by unpleasantness in the "home away from home." Unfortunately we all have to deal with unpleasantness from time to time, and at those times the heartache will tend to manifest itself as homesickness. I would discuss this with your girlfriend before February, and state that while you plan to have some special days at the beginning, you'll be trying to transition from there into more of a routine as you all expect to experience it. This doesn't mean no more special date nights; it just means you'll be having those more scheduled and/or as often as you would after she'd lived with you for about a year.
I'd also suggest implementing a once-a-week sit-down discussion for your first year together. An opportunity to discuss problems and concerns at a set time that everyone can count on. Good communication is tantamount in a poly relationship, and you'll need to get as much practice at communicating with each other as possible. Sit-downs can be a lifesaver in that regard.
You might want to journal your experiences, and can use the Life stories and blogs board if you want for that. Continue to read and study this site as time affords, and post problems, questions, and concerns as they arise. I'm usually good at following the intro board so whatever you post in this thread, I'll be one person (probably along with others) who'll respond. The more points of view you can get about a situation, the better equipped you'll be to carve out a method that'll work for you.
Sounds like a pretty promising relationship so far. Hopefully you'll be able to eliminate the long-distance factor too.
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)
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