Phase 2 - Dave Continues
For reasons I don't want to get into, I'm going to start a new thread.
In the last episode, Susan and I were breaking up. She needed to explore some feelings with one of her other men, and wasn't sure she'd be able to fully dedicate even one night a week to me.
We talked and hurt and missed each other, and realized separation isn't what either of us want and figured out a way we can continue and be happy.
So we are back to normal. We are still planning a visit in a couple months.
During the episode I was a wreck. Kay was so wonderful during the whole thing. At one point, nearly crying, I'm texting back and forth with Susan while laying back on Kay's lap. No judgement, no anger, just support. Kay gave me both support and distance as I needed it and not a word of complaint. She's my rock.
I told a couple of my co-workers about Susan and one was very interested. The other was sort of shocked by the whole thing, but wasn't judgemental. It's just really surprising. He's kind of naive about some things. It was nice to be able to tell them though. Several weeks ago now, when I thought Susan and I were done, I broke down at work, and wasn't able to talk about it. Now I can. Relieves some burden because being a private person is very hard for me.
Unfortunately, one of the side effects is that you typically talk about relationships when something bad happens. People wind up hearing about the bad day and not about the good month. So I've been getting lots of advice that Susan is bad for me and it's an unhealthy relationship.
There's times when I can see it. On Saturday, I spent time with a new girl. She really likes hanging out with me and with whichever group of friends I take her to. She's fun and engaged. That's pretty hard to find someone that fits in everywhere. But it was ultimately unsatisfying because it wasn't Susan. I felt sad and lonely. I did get a few minutes to say good night, and she got upset (feeling responsible for not spending enough time with me) which makes her withdraw. It's one of the few times I've ever needed her and she ran away instead. Of course, I wasn't clear about it. But it's a serious issue. Most of the time I cannot share negative feelings with her or she freaks out. She comes back, and we talk about it, but it breeds resentment.
Most of the time I can't see it. I love having her around. She makes me a better person. The list is so long of what she does for me.
I'm clearly not objective about it though. I asked Stakes and Kay. Stakes doesn't see much negative life spillover. Kay said it's borderline. There are things that come up that are serious issues, but we seem to navigate them ok.
So for now, it's not time to let the relationship go.
It was a good weekend. I spend a lot of time with both Kay and Susan independently. It's rare that Kay will go out with my friends and I. This time, though, we went out both Friday and Saturday. We also ran errands together on Sunday.
Susan and I talked quite a bit. We got into a little bit of an altercation, but worked it out pretty quickly. It followed the same pattern as always. I said something potentially negative about the future (what do I do if I meet someone I want to spend a lot of time with) and she freaks out ("I can't be what you or [any of my other men] want me to be!"). This was the first time I think I've ever talked harshly to her, but I had hit kind of a breaking point. Not only do I not want her to change for me, but also I find her independence and strength extremely attractive. I reiterated it, so she could cut the drama portion of the argument. We worked it out. We got to spend some nice time together last night as well.
And the question about what do I do if I meet someone is because it's possible I have. She's always been flaky about me being married, but she says she's more open to it if I'm not spending all my time with Susan now. I'm not sure I trust her at this point. There have been dates made and broken in the past. But I'm beginning to think I might really want someone that I can give more attention to. I mean that's the whole reason I started this journey in the first place.
On potential basis, I may start dating a local woman. I asked her if she'd like to go out and she said sure, but after the holidays. Kay hasn't decided how much relationship she'd be comfortable with yet, but I know that it doesn't really matter. [No nickname chosen] is really fun to hang out with wither it's just friends or otherwise.
Susan's tough times continue, but it's making us closer. She had two bad experiences this week. I stayed up with her texting as much as I could. Talked to her on the phone when she could. I skyped her to sleep last night. She's doing really well considering, but I'm glad I'm there to virtually hold her hand. She's allowing herself to need me (or anyone) more than she's ever been comfortable doing. I'm really excited to visit her again in a few weeks.
I did ask hockeygirl out. She asked countered with me joining her and her friends, which I thought was a great idea. However, when the day rolled around I felt really terrible and even went home from work early, so I had to reschedule. There's olympic and playoff hockey in the next few months so we'll have more opportunity. Stakes doesn't like me seeing her. She thinks it's way too dangerous.
My potential woman disappeared again.
Kay is back in school grind, so we aren't spending much time together. I was able to help her with some schoolwork last night so that was nice. I need to plan something for valentine's.
Everything is pretty stable, and I don't have any unanswered relationship questions so I'm pretty happy. I have added a lumberjill into my circle. I think we're friends+. Not exactly benefits, but not exactly casual either.
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