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-   -   Phase 2 - Dave Continues (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68038)

Nox 12-19-2013 05:15 PM

Phase 2 - Dave Continues
For reasons I don't want to get into, I'm going to start a new thread.

In the last episode, Susan and I were breaking up. She needed to explore some feelings with one of her other men, and wasn't sure she'd be able to fully dedicate even one night a week to me.

We talked and hurt and missed each other, and realized separation isn't what either of us want and figured out a way we can continue and be happy.

So we are back to normal. We are still planning a visit in a couple months.

During the episode I was a wreck. Kay was so wonderful during the whole thing. At one point, nearly crying, I'm texting back and forth with Susan while laying back on Kay's lap. No judgement, no anger, just support. Kay gave me both support and distance as I needed it and not a word of complaint. She's my rock.

Nox 12-30-2013 08:59 PM


Originally Posted by Atlantis
I am still unclear of how and why to let a relationship go. Sometimes it is easy to see, sometimes it is not. Is what I have been experiencing kind of normal? Trying hard to make it work in some cases, not trying in others.

This really hit home with me. I tend to talk about my relationships a lot. I'm excited about them. I want to be able to share them. I love when people are interested in them.

I told a couple of my co-workers about Susan and one was very interested. The other was sort of shocked by the whole thing, but wasn't judgemental. It's just really surprising. He's kind of naive about some things. It was nice to be able to tell them though. Several weeks ago now, when I thought Susan and I were done, I broke down at work, and wasn't able to talk about it. Now I can. Relieves some burden because being a private person is very hard for me.

Unfortunately, one of the side effects is that you typically talk about relationships when something bad happens. People wind up hearing about the bad day and not about the good month. So I've been getting lots of advice that Susan is bad for me and it's an unhealthy relationship.

There's times when I can see it. On Saturday, I spent time with a new girl. She really likes hanging out with me and with whichever group of friends I take her to. She's fun and engaged. That's pretty hard to find someone that fits in everywhere. But it was ultimately unsatisfying because it wasn't Susan. I felt sad and lonely. I did get a few minutes to say good night, and she got upset (feeling responsible for not spending enough time with me) which makes her withdraw. It's one of the few times I've ever needed her and she ran away instead. Of course, I wasn't clear about it. But it's a serious issue. Most of the time I cannot share negative feelings with her or she freaks out. She comes back, and we talk about it, but it breeds resentment.

Most of the time I can't see it. I love having her around. She makes me a better person. The list is so long of what she does for me.

I'm clearly not objective about it though. I asked Stakes and Kay. Stakes doesn't see much negative life spillover. Kay said it's borderline. There are things that come up that are serious issues, but we seem to navigate them ok.

So for now, it's not time to let the relationship go.

Nox 01-06-2014 09:58 PM

It was a good weekend. I spend a lot of time with both Kay and Susan independently. It's rare that Kay will go out with my friends and I. This time, though, we went out both Friday and Saturday. We also ran errands together on Sunday.

Susan and I talked quite a bit. We got into a little bit of an altercation, but worked it out pretty quickly. It followed the same pattern as always. I said something potentially negative about the future (what do I do if I meet someone I want to spend a lot of time with) and she freaks out ("I can't be what you or [any of my other men] want me to be!"). This was the first time I think I've ever talked harshly to her, but I had hit kind of a breaking point. Not only do I not want her to change for me, but also I find her independence and strength extremely attractive. I reiterated it, so she could cut the drama portion of the argument. We worked it out. We got to spend some nice time together last night as well.

And the question about what do I do if I meet someone is because it's possible I have. She's always been flaky about me being married, but she says she's more open to it if I'm not spending all my time with Susan now. I'm not sure I trust her at this point. There have been dates made and broken in the past. But I'm beginning to think I might really want someone that I can give more attention to. I mean that's the whole reason I started this journey in the first place.

On potential basis, I may start dating a local woman. I asked her if she'd like to go out and she said sure, but after the holidays. Kay hasn't decided how much relationship she'd be comfortable with yet, but I know that it doesn't really matter. [No nickname chosen] is really fun to hang out with wither it's just friends or otherwise.

Nox 01-30-2014 06:13 PM

Susan's tough times continue, but it's making us closer. She had two bad experiences this week. I stayed up with her texting as much as I could. Talked to her on the phone when she could. I skyped her to sleep last night. She's doing really well considering, but I'm glad I'm there to virtually hold her hand. She's allowing herself to need me (or anyone) more than she's ever been comfortable doing. I'm really excited to visit her again in a few weeks.

I did ask hockeygirl out. She asked countered with me joining her and her friends, which I thought was a great idea. However, when the day rolled around I felt really terrible and even went home from work early, so I had to reschedule. There's olympic and playoff hockey in the next few months so we'll have more opportunity. Stakes doesn't like me seeing her. She thinks it's way too dangerous.

My potential woman disappeared again.

Kay is back in school grind, so we aren't spending much time together. I was able to help her with some schoolwork last night so that was nice. I need to plan something for valentine's.

Everything is pretty stable, and I don't have any unanswered relationship questions so I'm pretty happy. I have added a lumberjill into my circle. I think we're friends+. Not exactly benefits, but not exactly casual either.

Nox 04-08-2014 10:47 PM

Obviously it has been a while since I've posted, but there's been nothing to say.

Susan and I are good, but it's really a terrible time for her. She's in better place this week, but it will be temporary for a while, and there's no telling how long that would be. Our meeting went well. She was stressed out with work and personal stuff, but I had a great time. I'm not sure the next time I'll go out there. I broached the subject, but she's afraid it will be too stressful. I'd be more upset, but my window is kind of short anyway. I'm really busy now, and it will continue through the summer. We discussed just doing a quick overnight when we miss each other uncontrollably which is probably getting closer than we thought :)

Kay is doing great in college, but it definitely has caused us to spend less time together. She was really sweet last week. I told her I was feeling a little lonely and she put forth extra effort spend time with me even though it was only 10 minutes at a time. I totally understand where she's at and it's going to be good for her individually and our household as well. Could be for our relationship too, as we've had more intellectual discussions since she's been in class than I'm used to as well.

Nothing on anyone else. I haven't been that motivated.

Nox 06-09-2014 07:53 PM


Susan trusts me more and more. She's become much more vulnerable, and depends on me. Knowing her trust issues makes it a huge responsibility, but one I cherish. She's still stressed out with personal stuff, so I haven't been able to visit, but we have tentative plans to take a vacation together. While we've hinted at it before, she talked specific plans on everything but timing.

One one thing on the Kay front. For the first time ever she put a personal touch on a card for me. She hand made and wrote a wonderful birthday card. She said Stakes "knew about it, but didn't suggest it." I remain curious, but really happy.

Stakes and I are going on a trip together. I worry a bit, but am going to enjoy the weekend. She's a wonderful friend, and I would hate our relationship getting weird. I can only make decisions for myself though. We are very honest with each other, so I trust her judgement.

FullofLove1052 06-10-2014 02:42 AM

Happy to have an update from you. Hope things continue to go well for you! :)

Nox 06-18-2014 06:09 PM

So, one of Susan's troubles is that her local bf of the last decade is dying of cancer. At this point he only has a few days left.

I have offered on two occasions to come spend a few days with her to help her through losing him. Not for us to be together, but so that she has transportation if she needs it, odds and ends taken care of, and someone to hold her when she feels like it. At the same time I'd completely respect her privacy when she wants to grieve alone.

She is non-committal. She would love me there, I'm sure, but it would add stress that she would be obligated to spend time with me. No matter how much I assure her that isn't the case on my end, the time and expense can't be ignored.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm leaning away from not going, as we've already discussed spending time together later this year. I feel this is her decision to make, not mine, regardless of whether she wants me to make it for her.

FullofLove1052 06-18-2014 09:24 PM

You can only be there in ways that she will allow you to be there. Definitely continue to offer emotional support and even your shoulder from a distance. I am sure you want to be there for her in what sounds like a terribly difficult time. She might very well reach out for you. I hope she will be okay in time. I cannot imagine what she is going through.

Nox 08-22-2014 03:42 PM

We are mostly recovered from the psychopath incident. We got some professional confirmation as well, though it was a diagnosis without interview.

Susan's bf did pass about 6 weeks ago. I didn't go out then, but I'm headed to see Susan for a couple weekends both next week and next month. Then she's coming here and we are taking a vacation together. I'm really looking forward to that. We still chat for hours every day.

Kay is doing well. She seems to need cuddling more than usual which I'm appreciative of, but it makes me think something is wrong. She says no. She starts school again pretty soon so it's another 3 months of super busy. We just got back from a great vacation, and we're planning Napa in the spring.

Stakes and I enjoyed our trip. It was too long for me to be away with her, but I really enjoyed the weekend, and I'm glad we did it. She's pretty busy with her own relationships. Other than chats during the day, I haven't seen much of her. Our relationship hasn't gotten weird, so that's good.

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