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-   -   just getting starteed (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=68)

floridagirl 02-26-2009 04:21 PM

just getting starteed
 
HI All,

I am 36 year old female in Florida. I have recently become very bi curious and although I am in love with a fella, he also wants to be able to be with other women. (truthfully, the idea turns me on something fierce). Well, last night he did it. Met another woman, had sex told me all about it.

We have discussed me having someone to play with too and he typically changes the subject. He hasn't said no, but I think he will. To me this a double standard. There are several thousand miles between so we can't physically be together like I'd or he'd like. I get that he needs to get off with someone flesh and blood and he knows it turns me on, which is even more incentive for him.

The issue is, I want to do the same. I want to have his dick me and suck on some other fella too....but he always changes the subject.

IS this a double standard to you and how do I talk to him about this and my needs to get off too when he isn't around.? That's a lot as an intro, but I'm strugglin here folks. THanks for your advice.

AutumnalTone 02-27-2009 08:56 PM

Well, yeah, that is a double standard.

It's now up to you to decide how to handle things. If you do nothing to change the situation, you will be tacitly endorsing him having another partner while expecting you to not have one.

This issue is important enough that he has to address it. If he keeps trying to weasel out of that conversation, you have to evaluate whether or not the relationship with him is worth keeping. As it is, it appears he wants to play freely while keeping you on a leash.

I suspect he suffers from an underlying insecurity as to whether you'll want him if you're also involved with somebody else. That you'll compare him with the other guy and decide you like the other guy better. You may want to ease his mind on that issue prior to pinning him down for the discussion on who can play with whom and so on.

Keith 02-27-2009 09:01 PM

I totally agree. I'm strongly against double standards. Selfishness really has no place in a poly relationship.

I would take the steps SeventhCrow suggested. I personally would not stay with someone who wouldn't give me the same freedom I gave them. Everything about poly is a two way street filled with nothing but compromised negotiations.

thetriofus 02-28-2009 11:47 PM

are double standards fair?
 
Please bear with us, we are somewhat new to poly relationships and do not wish to offend anyone. Realizing there are many variations of polyamory the underlying purpose and definition seems to be multiple loves, not multiple sex partners. Again, not wanting to offend anyone so bear with us. Florida girl said "Well, last night he did it. Met another woman, had sex told me all about it. " and " We have discussed me having someone to play with too " . No where in the post did we see mention of multiple loves and relationships, Just that she loves her primary. We are a little confused as to whether the problem is primarily about the sex or the love.
We are a MfM triad vee if we had to actually label ourselves, ( we kinda wouldnt like to). We (M/M) are great friends and deeply in love with the Fem but not each other and it works well for us. What we have come too the conclusion of is that Our Fem Would have serious difficulties if either of us males were to fall in love with another Fem. Is that Selfish? Greedy? Wrong? Double standard? Who cares, it is how our relationship works. Obviously no matter how Florida girls relationship works, it's not working out very well right now we agree. Our relationship being a "double standard" works well for us because no one has a problem with it being that way. If you or anyone feel there is a double standard "problem" discussion is the key as seventh has described in his post. Keith we do respectfully disagree, yes it is a two way street with a lot of compromise. Sometimes that compromise is Knowing what your partners can handle, weighing that against your desires, and sometimes the compromise is , as in our case "the best thing for the relationship is to just not go there"
Thank you all who read this and we hope we havent pissed anyone off. lol

AutumnalTone 03-01-2009 07:23 PM

The difference is that you have all agreed to live with the double standard. For others, it can be a problem--and that issue has to be resolved for the relationship(s) to continue.

I wouldn't stay involved with any woman who said she wanted to have other partners but I couldn't. I find that completely unacceptable. I realize there are folks to whom that isn't a problem. The OP indicated discomfort with that sort of thing, so it's obviously an issue for her and needs to be resolved for that relationship to have a future.

And, no, describing what works for you isn't likely to piss anybody off. It hurts my little feelers not a bit that you've got a working relationship. Indeed, I'll buy a round of beer and help you celebrate it should you find yourself traveling near here.

thetriofus 03-02-2009 01:22 AM

Beer?
 
Thank you for understanding Seventh you seem to be good at that. We'd love to come have a beer if we are near. Where is near BTW? As for Floridagirl we were not trying to say she was wrong, we were trying to understand how their relationship works. Firstly discussing having sex with others is a topic that needs A Lot of communication. Floridagirl expressed that they had talked about doing it but she didn't state what the conclusion was just that he went out had sex and told her about it.This to us is a big no no. One of us would never go out have sex with someone then tell the others. It would have to be discussed between the three of us and be more then just having sex (i.e. a one night stand). It would have to be love involved. I am the Fem described in our post and i would have to say that right now as it stands we have all talked about it and the guys both of them decided i was enough for them at this point in in our relationship.This being a new experience for all of us right now concentrating on the three of our relationships is most important letting that love grow is very important, therefore we have decided to be a triad that is right now at this moment practicing poly fidelity.

AutumnalTone 03-02-2009 03:56 AM

Here is Kansas City.


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