Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   New to all this and need advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6788)

Rebellion 02-15-2011 11:45 AM

New to all this and need advice
 
Hello, recently I've become attracted to a woman I met online. When the time came for us to finally tell each other we were falling for one another, she told me she was Poly. She is a submissive and this guy is her master. She told me she thought she would never have another love besides him, but I came along. When she first told me I was shocked, I had heard about poly but never met anyone that was actually doing it. I'm not poly, well I guess not yet? I have worries that she will love him more, or that I'm not going to be good enough or something along those lines. They have a BDSM relationship, ours will be a monogomous (can't spell) Relationship. She has assured me many times I mean the world to her and she won't let me go. Is it normal for me to have these awkward feelings?

FlameKat 02-15-2011 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rebellion (Post 66512)
Hello, recently I've become attracted to a woman I met online. When the time came for us to finally tell each other we were falling for one another, she told me she was Poly. She is a submissive and this guy is her master. She told me she thought she would never have another love besides him, but I came along. When she first told me I was shocked, I had heard about poly but never met anyone that was actually doing it. I'm not poly, well I guess not yet? I have worries that she will love him more, or that I'm not going to be good enough or something along those lines. They have a BDSM relationship, ours will be a monogomous (can't spell) Relationship. She has assured me many times I mean the world to her and she won't let me go. Is it normal for me to have these awkward feelings?

Completely and utterly normal :D welcome and gday... howdy and hello... pull up a chair sit down and have a chat :D

Oh I forgot to mention - good luck :D

sage 02-16-2011 12:33 PM

Hi and welcome,

The first warning bell here (sorry just jumping right in to the nitty gritty) is: if she didn't think she would ever have another love what was she doing online? This makes me think that while she might not have been looking for love she may have been looking for sex.

Be careful, educate yourself. This is a great site for that.

MrFarFromRight 02-16-2011 01:09 PM

Personally, I would feel somewhat uneasy about that master/submissive SM thing that they've got going. And about the fact that she defines herself as poly and yet "she thought she would never have another love besides him, but I came along". Since when is she poly? Add to which that you can't have a "monogamous" relationship with her if she's having a relationship with him.

What you can have is a case of her cheating on him with you. And that brings me back to my opening uneasiness. If she's masochistic, can you be sure that she's not using you as grounds for "Punish me! I've been a bad little girl."
And if he's into domination and sadism, what happens if he goes after you? How big is this guy anyway?

Lemondrop 02-22-2011 05:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight (Post 66648)
And if he's into domination and sadism, what happens if he goes after you? How big is this guy anyway?

Um...I'll admit to being far from an expert...but saying you're into BDSM is short-hand to let people know that you're kinky, and doesn't mean that everyone involved in the BDSM lifestyle is into the same thing, like sadism. Furthermore, it doesn't mean that all of the males involved are violent neanderthals. Also, having a Master doesn't always mean that you're sexual with him--sometimes, the Master is there for the purpose of training or play and there is no sex involved.

That said, Rebellion, MrFarFromRight makes some good points. If she's poly and she thought she'd never have another love, that sounds like an inconsistency. If she's poly, why is she having a monogamous relationship with you? Sometimes, less self-aware subs really will use outside relationships to anger their Doms so that they'll be punished. Crazy, but true, so are you sure you know your sweetheart the way you think you do?

A good Dom is going to want to meet you. Most Doms would want to know you exist before she commits to a relationship with you. Most Doms are going to want to have a say in whether the two of you can see each other, whether you're safe for her. Most Doms are going to want to know some boundaries, like, if they tell her to do something and you say something different, who is she going to listen to? You need to sit down with the two of them and hash out some rules--and you need to do some research into BDSM if you're really going to do this, because it *will* affect your life in some way. I can't tell you how often I've seen subs sad because their boyfriend is vanilla and just doesn't understand their needs. Also sad, I can't tell you how many times I've heard that unethical people will play at romance online and then leave their paramours heartbroken when they get bored, because none of it is "real" online, especially on BDSM sites.

I think my gut feeling is that there are an awful lot of discrepancies in her story, and maybe you're feeling awkward because your gut is telling you something is off.

nycindie 02-22-2011 07:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rebellion (Post 66512)
Hello, recently I've become attracted to a woman I met online. When the time came for us to finally tell each other we were falling for one another, she told me she was Poly.

Wait a sec, I need to ask for clarification here!

The part of your quote that I enlarged hooked me. I thought it was going to say "When the time came for us to finally meet..." So, are you saying you have both declared your love for each other without actually having met in person yet? If that's the case, it's more than likely just fantasy, not love. I'd slow down and rethink this thing you've got going solely online. You don't know how you'll feel when you actually meet her in the flesh.

If I've misunderstood, please fill in the blanks.

Quath 02-22-2011 07:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rebellion (Post 66512)
I have worries that she will love him more, or that I'm not going to be good enough or something along those lines.

I think the easiest way to think of this is to think of two things that you love. For example, you may love both parents, but you see the relationships as different. Or may be you have pets, kids, or maybe best friends. (As a worst case, maybe favorite food can work as an analogy.) When I thought of love in those terms, I realized that love is not easy to compare.

The main things early in polyamory to deal with are communication, compromise, scheduling and dealing with arguments.


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:33 AM.