Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Some Advice Please ... welcoming his lover (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6784)

riftara 02-15-2011 08:47 AM

Some Advice Please ... welcoming his lover
So my husband just met a new girl... about a week ago. They have been talking and it seems they have hit it off at least a little. They have a date Friday.

I'm excited about it. Almost as much as he is. I'm also nervous as hell. I've had a lover for a year now, but he has only had flings. He wants this to be a lover situation, and I am behind him completely.

I'm unsure how to welcome her.

Do I leave myself out of it for awhile? Meet her asap (Friday is not a possibility, I'm in GA right now, he is in TX)?
Do I let her lead the conversation? assure her I approve? Let her know why we do this or our rules? (I should leave that to him I think, but I'm not sure)

I'm not good with girls! I only have one female friend. I've always been one of the guys, but I want to have a good relationship with her like he has with my lover.

What do I do??? How do I help this relationship???

River 02-15-2011 03:40 PM


Originally Posted by riftara (Post 66504)

What do I do??? How do I help this relationship???

1. Breathe deeply.


3. flow

4. enjoy

5. release

6. let go

7. Rince, relax, repeat.


Carma 02-15-2011 04:02 PM

The most beautiful thing is that you WANT to make it good for them :)

Sounds to me like you are flustered about how best to love. My opinion? It will all turn out for the best, since your heart is really in the right place.

River 02-15-2011 04:25 PM

Too much worry and anticipation, and thinking about it, can tie you up in knots so that you're not at your best. To be at your best--offer your best--let it go so you can trust the spontanaity.

Also, this is HIS thing. Let him handle it. All you gotta do is be supportive -- but lightly.

riftara 02-15-2011 05:24 PM

Relaxing is a problem for me, ill admit :)

At least they will have a few weeks together before I get back.

I think I will put river's manta front and center.

I'm so hopeful for him since this is a recent decision on his part and I want him to have what he wants.

River 02-15-2011 05:30 PM

Relaxation can be learned, like playing a musical instrument, like cooking, like drawing or painting, like kissing.... But it takes practice. And it helps to have guidance from those who know how to practice. E.g., Gay Hendricks "Conscious Breathing" ... or the work of Tara Brach which I mention in the Spirituality and Polyamory thread [Radical Acceptance].

I think breath and mindfulness meditation are the keys to most things.

dragonflysky 02-16-2011 03:40 AM

How wonderful that you care! I've been a third person coming into an established relationship and just knowing the other partner was concerned about my feeling welcomed and comfortable was reassuring. She left it to our guy, however, to create the specifics of that situation since he's the one who knew me best. Perhaps ask your husband if there's anything he can think of that you could do or not do to make her feel as welcomed as he's made your partner feel.

riftara 02-16-2011 08:00 AM

Thanks so much for the input. I'm glad to know that simply wanting everything to be good will actually help. :)

All times are GMT. The time now is 04:11 AM.