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-   -   Love, Family, Friendship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6780)

riftara 02-15-2011 07:25 AM

Love, Family, Friendship
I am going to start one of these.

I feel like I need to do a background, catch me and everyone else up.

riftara 02-15-2011 07:42 AM

Lover "R"
I'll start with "R", though he is my lover and not my Husband, his relationship has been around longer.

R is my best-friend, well one of them, I have two. (Just noticed that I'm poly there too LOL)
I have known him since 1999, we became friends in 2000, we first kissed in 2002, first had sex in 2004. We dated a few times, but he had, and has, a girlfriend. About a year ago, we started seeing each other romantically again, and this is the longest we have been involved.

I hate that he has a GF - she doesn't explicitly know about me, I'm "the other woman", he's cheating on her with me. I hate it, but I love him and I love being together when we are.

More on this later.

riftara 02-15-2011 08:25 AM

Hubby John
John and I met in 2003. October 31st, 2003.

We saw each other again in 2006, when I was married and pregnant with my daughter.

2007, my ex-husband and I split up, John gets a mutual friend to give me his number, we start talking.

2008, John and I get together, get married about 6 months later. We were open in the beginning, one-night stands for the most part.

2010, John and I decide to grow up a little and be more poly, and less whorish :) thats a joke.

John and I have a son, born a day after our 1yr anniversary.

riftara 02-15-2011 08:33 AM

John and R
John and R are friends, John loves R, in a family kind of way. He does get frustrated when R & I have problems bc he doesnt want to see me hurt, but he is open to us all sharing a living space in the future.

The two of them hang out without me. They talk on the phone (well as much as any two guys who are friends do), txt, etc.

They have on two occasions in the last 3 years treated me to a threesome.

I love the occasional night (maybe a handful of times) I get to spend between them in bed. Its amazing. Not that I would want that every night, but its nice when it does happen.

riftara 02-15-2011 08:38 AM

John's New Girl
John met a girl! I'm so happy for him. We will dub her "D". They have a date Friday. I'm almost as excited as he is.

This is his first potential lover. He has had one-night stands, but nothing long-term.

I'm excited, but afraid of jumping the gun. When should she meet me? What do I say to show her I'm not a threat, that I encourage their relationship.
I know this is her first experience with this kind fo thing too and I dont want to mess up the relationship.

I dont do well with girls to begin with, I only have one female friend (my other best friend).

I'm gonna post on the main boards for some insight.

riftara 02-15-2011 05:38 PM

Thanks to everyone
Relax. River has said that. Im bipolar. Its hard for me to relax. I'm a pagan that doesnt meditate. I cant sleep, much less relax. I think I will set D aside, let John handle her until we meet naturally or she wants to. Let her control our relationship. No reason to freak her out. She knows the deal, so we will see how things develop.

riftara 02-17-2011 12:49 PM

R or "How I Became The Other Woman"
R met his GF in High School, around the same time we met. I was dating his best friend at the time. He was shy, reserved. I payed him absolutely no attention, but his best friend, my boy friend, insisted we be nice to each other.

Then he started seeing his GF. We all had to tell them they were together, neither of them know the day they "made it official". They both just agreed to our badgering. I look back now and know we just wanted the drama of another relationship.

A few years go by, and it seems that theirs is the only sexless relationship among us. R and I spent a lot of time together, most me gripping about one thing or another pertaining to my boyfriend. We became friends, I began to love him. I didn't think it was possible to love him when I thought I loved my BF, so I took the most logical step at that point to me, having already cheated on my BF several times. We kissed. I loved it. I loving hanging with him. But although he said he felt things for me too, he didn't want things to go further.

A few more years go by. R and I have short week or two long periods when we kiss and hold hands and allow ourselves to love. Every time I get scared, every time I back off.
Eventually we have sex, just once, and I pulled away completely, cut off all contact with him because of "some other, unrelated thing".

I get married, though I knew I shouldn't have. I cheated in the days leading up to the wedding. I told him, maybe looking for an out, but he said he wanted me to be his wife. I brought up being poly once or twice, not that I was really ready for it then. He almost agreed once, but it didn't change my cheating.
R didn't come to the wedding. He said he knew it wouldnt last and that it didnt mean anything to me. I hated him for that. Though now I know its because he echoed what I felt but could not say.

R and I continued to fool around, though not as often. We didn't have sex again for a long time, after my first marriage broke up and I started to see John. John and I were open from the beginning, so I was free, on my end at least, to see R as i wished.

I still kept my distance, afraid of all sorts of things I couldn't name. A few weeks, a random night here and there, I told him I loved him and backed off almost as quickly as I had jumped to his arms.

Over a year ago, R called me, rather late at night, and said he wanted to really to be lovers again. And that HE wanted to control when the relationship ended. If that was once or a few weeks, or whatever.

I took a few months to respond to that request. Making sure I could handle the stress of that possibility - loosing control. I finally consented. He had given up hope of the prospect, but we made love again that night and we have considered ourselves lovers ever since.

Last summer, R's GF found out about our relationship. She was upset, but didn't flip. Her only consensus was daily sex to him for about a week, then it was back to the once a month of the previous two years.

R's GF is polite to me, offers me trips to the mall and friendship, but I am uncomfortable around most females, especially since I don't know if she knows.

I love R, I know he loves me. I also have always been secure knowing that for whatever reason, him and his GF were always going to be together.
He is talking of leaving her. I'm terrified of that transition.

Why does it have to be this way? Why does he have to choose? He has said before that he loves her, and obviously there is some ambivalence on her part as to his sexual relations. I wish I could discuss this with her. I wish I could join her, actually be friends, and help her love him.

riftara 02-17-2011 01:00 PM

The Here and Now
I have lately been devouring Poly books, these boards, and processing a lot.

Is it because of my unmedicated state? I am Bi-Polar and have been without meds for two weeks now. Its a rocky place to be I know. Am I processing this to avoid processing other things? Or is this what I need to be processing?

Is it because of the emanate changes? R and his GF possibly splitting, John and D possibly falling in love.

Is it due to John and I's recent discussions and renewal of intimacy, he has been physically gone from me for a year and a half.

I have also been sleeping less and fretting over the coven and the general future.

I told a friend today about my high school boyfriend's abuse. Not in the general terms I normally do, but specifically. I realized I don't think I've ever done that for John. I know I haven't for any other lover, especially not R. Is it time for me to face that abuse and get past it fully?

I feel like this is a time of growth, even though I am depressed. I want someone to talk this over with, but John is unavailable to me at this moment. All I have is myself, R, and a few close friends. I think it is time I spoke with my high priest about all this.

riftara 03-22-2011 08:41 PM

TX and GA
I'm in TX right now, with John. All my family and friends, except my son, are in GA.
I love being here with John, but I want to be Home, with R and all the rest of my support. My bi-polar is getting harsh around the edges, I'm on my meds again but I'm feeling unstable.
I don't know if I can handle being out here for more than a month at a time, and I will likely be here for almost 2 next time I come out.

R is having a hard time with his life, and I want to be home to help him, to be there for him. We talk on the phone, but its not the same.

I love John, but I'm not use to him being around. We have spent more of our marriage living apart than living together. Not because of our desire, but because of circumstances and my daughter.

I need a break from my son. I am glad that some women can be around their kids 24/7 but I need a few days every now and then, I think its because of my bi-polar, but I have been with him every minute of the past 2 weeks.

My new meds have also stopped my periods and made me gain weight. Not happy about that. I'm feeling depressed and off balance, I need something to change fast.

SNeacail 03-22-2011 09:28 PM


Originally Posted by riftara (Post 72363)
I need a break from my son. I am glad that some women can be around their kids 24/7 but I need a few days every now and then, I think its because of my bi-polar, but I have been with him every minute of the past 2 weeks.

If I read your post correctly, your son is 3 or 4. Hire a babysitter and take a break. No one can be cooped up with a kid that age for 24/7 and not feel like they are going to loose their mind:eek:, even without the added stress of bi-polar issues. Hire a sitter on a regular basis, even if it's just for a few hours each time.

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