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cdchristan 02-15-2011 05:15 AM

new to polyrelationship
 
Hi everyone,
I'm very new to all of this and am so head over heals in love with my polyandry relationship and yet as time goes on I wonder if this is all to last. No mistake I don't want this to end but I feel that my relationship may be put to the test if she adds some one else into the equation. The reason for this is that she has reminded me several times that though she did not plan for our relationship to happen (this is new to herself and husband too) and her husband and children have welcomed me in with open arms, she said that it could happen again and thus a third man would be involved with the now current relationship. I'm totally happy with the current relationship and would like to keep it this way, but now with this in the back of my mind, should I be worried about any new future possible relationships that she may develope???
I honestly don't think she could devote her time and emotions with another man in the relationship. With all of the daily activities and responsibilities, we barely get the private time together now and if another person came into the picture, I feel that this would create a strain on the situation. Honestly I don't know if I could accept that, silly as it sounds, it would be hard on me. We have talked about it but she still insists that she cant guarantee the exclusion of this possibility. We all get along so good and all of the responsibilities of the daily life is all equally shared.
Am I stressing over nothing?? We all have been together now for a year and I am struggling with this idea that keeps on being planted into my head.
Anyone with some helpful hints would be greatly appreciated.
Yours truly,
Chris

sage 02-15-2011 07:05 AM

Hi and welcome

Firstly it's lovely to hear that your relationship is going so well. Allowing everyone to experience their authentic selves is a priority in polyamory but each relationship usually has boundaries somewhere.

For me it's that I always want my partner to live with me. I don't mind if someone else joins us but if he wanted to start house-hopping that would be a deal-breaker for me. Luckily for me we've talked about it and he has no problem with that.

Your problem is that you didn't put a boundary around this before getting comfy in the relationship. At this stage communication is the key I think. Talk about your fears in terms of time
availability, discuss it with her husband. See what comes out of it but remember love might be abundant but time isn't, you might have to make some hard choices before getting more entrenched.

redpepper 02-15-2011 04:19 PM

Hello, you might want to read my blog and attached links of the last few weeks. We are in a similar situation only I am the woman and this has come up recently. You might want to do a search in the tags for "scarcity" also. I'm sure Mono will talk to you if you PM him. If no more than to be brothers in arms ;)

MonoVCPHG 02-15-2011 05:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdchristan (Post 66474)
Am I stressing over nothing?? We all have been together now for a year and I am struggling with this idea that keeps on being planted into my head.
Anyone with some helpful hints would be greatly appreciated.
Yours truly,
Chris

Sage nailed it....this is about not fully looking at boundaries before committing to the level you have. This seems to be a trend of guys moving in with their poly girlfriends and then dealing with the idea that there may be more men added to the equation. Are you stressing over nothing? Not really, not in my mind. We had very solid boundaries around no more men for me to commit to a certain level which influenced my decisions about things like co-habituating and recently those are being pushed. I have been in my relationship for over two years and I always have that thought in the back of my mind, A degree of instability and anxiety. I don't expect it to go away and it is not pleasant but we both are sacrificing in this relationship because so far it is worth it.

I would however try to live more in the moment...let things go and if they happen they happen. Enjoy your relationship. I am assuming she is not repeatedly bringing this up or asking you to look at this issue? If she is she should not expect you to have much hope in truly feeling at peace or to be able to live in the moment. Tell her to wait until something actually happens and then deal with it. My only other recommendation would be to make sure you are independent and are capable of moving out/being on your own if things do change to the point where you are no longer healthy or want to be with her.

You should definitely follow Redpepper's advice and look at the concept of scarcity. It doesn't apply to all people but does have some very valid concepts that may apply to you.

Take care and relax…wait for the future to come to you and stop trying to live in it. Be understanding to her perspective and maintain your independence.

nycindie 02-21-2011 04:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdchristan (Post 66474)
. . . should I be worried about any new future possible relationships that she may develope???

Might be helpful if you got real specific about what worries you. Why not get on paper all the possible things that could happen that scare or concern you, and talk to her about it. It's the unknown and undefined that incites terror and confusion. Once you name something and look at it, it loses its power over you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdchristan (Post 66474)
I honestly don't think she could devote her time and emotions with another man in the relationship.

This may be difficult to hear, but she's probably the one who is the better judge of what amount of involvement or how many relationships she can handle. Trust in her ability to know what she needs, but if she does take another lover, you have every right to speak up if you're feeling ignored or disrespected. Besides, a third guy is highly unlikely to be given the same amount of time and energy as you and her husband. It could just be a once a month or every other month thing. Could you handle that? Again, knowing specifics and not making assumptions will bring clarity, and possibly diffuse any upset.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdchristan (Post 66474)
Honestly I don't know if I could accept that, silly as it sounds, it would be hard on me. We have talked about it but she still insists that she cant guarantee the exclusion of this possibility. We all get along so good and all of the responsibilities of the daily life is all equally shared.

Am I stressing over nothing?? We all have been together now for a year and I am struggling with this idea that keeps on being planted into my head.

Well, it's not nothing -- don't belittle your feelings. However, doesn't being together a year mean that you have a solid foundation upon which you can count? Have you thought about the possibility that your place in her life will not be diminished by the inclusion of another lover? I am curious why you feel okay with her having a husband but not an additional person? Is it just that it's so comfortable that you don't want it to change? Or are there other issues you're grappling with? I ask not in judgment, but to give you some things to ponder. More heartfelt communication among all three of you is likely something that would help you in figuring out whether or not you could handle it, or what you need to make a decision.


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