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-   -   child custody and poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=67723)

JadeDoor 12-17-2013 12:10 AM

child custody and poly
 
Some of you may have read about my husband shoving me into a bookcase a few weeks ago. I've since gotten a restraining order and am getting divorced. My husband and his ex wife are master manipulators of the system. We already had DCF involved today and somehow it did not go how I expected. I'm worried that even though my husband is currently with his gf he met while we were poly, he will say he is now settled and no longer poly but that I am. How will this affect me with custody of my four year old son?

Emm 12-17-2013 12:26 AM

It probably varies greatly by country and by state. Where are you located?

Oldpolyman 12-17-2013 12:34 AM

Child in poly relationship, DCF
 
Just a guess, with all the alternative relationships, the DCF is only going to look at wither the child is safe and secure. One of my acquaintances works for the local CPS (DCF), he tells me that they don't look at all the crazy things they used to worry about, but rather the safety of the child is paramount. Lots of poly folks worry about having their children taken away because of their relationships, but unless the child is in danger, you have nothing to worry about.
Hugs

alibabe_muse 12-17-2013 03:30 AM

you should research your state's laws on child custody issues. i know in my state custody technically will go to the parent who is not or has not committed adultery. i'm in north idaho and it's very conservative here and very old fashioned in state laws even though the amazingly liberal WA state is right next door.

no matter what any of us say here, it's up to verify exactly what you are up against. i do think if he tries to use polyamory against you it's going to back fire since he's "leaving you" for the "other woman". he'd actually need to prove you are unfit - dirty house, dishes never cleaned, piles and piles of grossness, drug use, abuse of the kids...that's what will help him get 100% custody.;)

LovingRadiance 12-17-2013 05:31 AM

Definitely need to speak to a lawyer and research laws for where YOU live.
A friend in Washington spent 2 years in a NASTY custody battle where there was no abuse. But the state removed her rights "temporarily" to "assess the risk". That lasted a year. By which time there was a case for "maintaining him in his current living situation. Meaning she got visitation only. In a dynamic where there was NO abuse. Just that the poly gf and dh decided to settle down together and end being poly. They got her parents to testify against her STRICTLY due to her being bi and poly.

The risk is there.

Where i live, in Alaska, if there is any history of abuse (spousal or child) the abuser cant get custody.

Each state is VERY different.

london 12-17-2013 07:22 AM

I'd also be concerned about the whole dating your kid's uncle thing. For your husband, it will look like he was in a rough marriage, tried to do this crazy poly thing to salvage it but ultimately settled down into a normal relationship. You, however, still want to do the crazy poly thing and started dating your husband's brother which could be argued displays several negative traits about your views on family.

Not saying they are my personal views, but it is what I would say if I were your husband or his legal team.

london 12-17-2013 07:25 AM

Quote:

Where i live, in Alaska, if there is any history of abuse (spousal or child) the abuser cant get custody
I disagree with spousal abuse meaning you can't be a decent parent. For one, what if the abuse was 2 way? Neither parent gets custody?

Vixtoria 12-17-2013 06:00 PM

Sorry, but I HAVE dealt with Child Protective Services, and it's not just about the child being safe. When I dealt with them, in a situation much like yours but monogamous, I was literally bullied. They kept hounding me about things and when my daughter brought me a toy with a ribbon frayed, I used scissors to cut it and handed it back. They wrote in their report about how I was shaking and brandishing scissors while upset. Well, I WAS upset, they were bullyign me! But I cut a freaking ribbon to stop it from fraying! Sorry, but you can't just assume that everyone is going to do their job, or do their best. Knowing youa re innocent is not enough anymore. Protect yourself, and if that means you may have to take a break from relationships, hopefully they will understand.

Inyourendo 12-18-2013 02:55 AM

None of our personal stuff came up in the divorce. We filed and had written a parenting plan. We were seeking to have 50/50 custody. I guess the only way it would have gotten dirty is if I had tried.to get full custody and he would have needed to prove why I was unfit.

I do not tell x about my personal life nor does he ask. As far as I'm aware he doesn't know or care about me continuing to be poly. I do not advertise to him that I am.

Natja 12-18-2013 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vixtoria (Post 254990)
Sorry, but I HAVE dealt with Child Protective Services, and it's not just about the child being safe. When I dealt with them, in a situation much like yours but monogamous, I was literally bullied. They kept hounding me about things and when my daughter brought me a toy with a ribbon frayed, I used scissors to cut it and handed it back. They wrote in their report about how I was shaking and brandishing scissors while upset. Well, I WAS upset, they were bullyign me! But I cut a freaking ribbon to stop it from fraying! Sorry, but you can't just assume that everyone is going to do their job, or do their best. Knowing youa re innocent is not enough anymore. Protect yourself, and if that means you may have to take a break from relationships, hopefully they will understand.

Agree 100%. Assume nothing! Evil minded exes will use anything against you and your child will suffer, end the relationships you have for now at least. No relationship is ever worth losing your child over, even if you are in the throws of NRE.

Please.


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