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-   -   Poly triad hiccup - where to go from here? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=67524)

catinthehat 12-15-2013 05:11 PM

Poly triad hiccup - where to go from here?
Hello All-

This forum has been so helpful. I'm hoping that someone who's encountered this can help guide me to work through it.

I'm F, 38, engaged, 1.5 year into relationship. When I met my fiance, I was open about who I am and also revealed that I was (untested) bisexual. After we solidified our connection, I expressed the desire to open our relationship to include another woman. We had a couple of false starts with women, then met Her about two months ago.

She's wonderful. We've had a wonderful time getting to know her and could definitely see her becoming a part of our lives. She has a lot of caring to give and enjoys the caring she receives from us. Our sexual encounters have been such that I've encouraged Him to be attentive to Her when we're all together since He and I live together and thus far, we'd all seen each other about 1/x week.

Honestly started out with no jealousy. However , I noticed that He was unable to maintain an erection during intercourse with me, (which has happened intermittently throughout our relationship) but He was able to consistently maintain an erection and complete the deal with Her. (And when he does with her, it's beautiful to watch!) I know that NRE has a part to play in that, but as life intruded in our daily interactions, unrelated problems surfaced and our primary connection has become shaky without the care and feeding it has had in the past.

Last night, we were in bed together, She rode Him until She came, then invited me to do the same. I don't know when he started to lose the erection, but He and I looked into each other's eyes for a long time as I felt Him wilt. Then I lost it. I told Him to stop touching me. I cried and withdrew...

I'm ashamed of losing it because I care about Her and love Him. She's said that she's backing off to give us the chance to strengthen what we have. This is not Her fault, it's not His fault. I don't believe it's my fault, yet here's a core issue that's resurfaced from past relationships - the affect my delayed orgasm makes on my partner, which has been exacerbated by a hysterectomy. He knows who I am and loves me through it, but to feel unfulfilled while he has this very fundamental connection with another woman - who is both wonderful and deserving, has been quite painful.

I just feel so defeated. I don't know where to go from here.

BigGuy 12-15-2013 07:39 PM

Speaking as someone with ED, the more pressure there is to perform, the more likely it isn't going to happen. It's a vicious circle.

My advice is to let it go. It really isn't about you. Don't make orgasm or PIV the sole determiner of whether or not the experience is a good one. Be present and enjoy other aspects of the experience.

kdt26417 12-15-2013 09:17 PM

Greetings catinthehat,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

What BigGuy said. Also, look into things like Viagara and oral sex (with both you and Him as both givers and receivers) if you haven't done so already. And I can testify that "the big head can't always rule the little head." There may very much be a desire there on his part, but his body isn't cooperating. As you said that's no one's fault and NRE may be part of what's going on.

Speaking of which, do you and he spend much non-sexual romantic time together? dates between just the two of you? etc. ... away from the cares of the world. I often find that the established couple takes their relationship for granted and doesn't nurture it with "newness" of their own.

And there is (poly-friendly) counseling (and sex counseling) to consider. Hope some of this helps ...

Kevin T., "official greeter" :)


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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LovingRadiance 12-15-2013 10:04 PM

Definitely concur with other responses.

It's hard when you feel like "what am I doing wrong". My bf has issues with ed, all 20 years we've been together. It can be emotionally devastating.

I HIGHLY advise finding other options for you to get off and since bisexuality is in the picture-what about her being able to help you? Even possibly a strap on?
NO disrespect to him-but I've found that taking the heat off the guy entirely-can help A LOT.
If he can't finish; then let that part go and be a little selfish and start finding ways so you can orgasm without intercourse with him.

A vibrator, dildo, strap on-either of them could use it on you, in fact, both of them could take turns doing it.

The thing I see is that since there are three of you, there is the option to alter the focus. Make some of the focus about you and her sexually bonding more, instead of each of you "riding him". There is SO MUCH bonding that can happen sexually between two women that people never really think about.

Also-just because a man loses his erection, doesn't mean he's out of commission. It means his penis is.
He has hands, he has a mouth, he can do other things to show his love, affection, attraction and attentiveness to you.
Both my bf and my dh, regularly either finish or lose their erection LONG before I am satisfied. In both cases, they understand, we're not done til I am satiated too. They use toys on me, or their hands or their mouths or whatever they think up, until I am satisfied.
I HIGHLY encourage removing the PIV as being the big focus. Don't even try it for awhile. Just avoid that one altogether for a few weeks-do other things.

GalaGirl 12-15-2013 11:12 PM

I'm sorry you are upset. :(

So... what's the expectation here? :confused:
  • You expect him to maintain an erection for X minutes so you both can have Penis in Vagina (PIV) sex with him one after the other to orgasm?
  • Something else?

What's the desired outcome?
  • Both to enjoy PIV sex one after the other with him? (Not necessarily to orgasm)
  • To have an orgasm in general with him one after the other? (Not necessarily both orgasms achieved via PIV? Willing to use other body parts or toys? )
  • To have an orgasm with him stimulating you? Or her? Or yourself with them watching? Just during a 3 person sex share somewhere?
  • To have PIV sex with him? (Not necessarily orgasm?)
  • To learn to not take things personally if a sex share with 3 persons doesn't always result in an orgasm for you?
  • To resolve the core issue thing that resurfaced? (What IS the core issue? You do not clearly state other than mentioning delayed orgasm and a hysterectomy. How long ago was this? How do either of these things make you "less than?" I see you say it is a problem. But I do not see you explain WHAT makes this this a problem to you? . Are nerve endings still healing from surgery? Something else?)
  • Some mix and match of the above?
  • Something else?

Could you be willing to elaborate/clarify? I am confused. :confused:

You know that saying for work? "You can have it cheap, good, or fast. But you can only have 2."

Here it sounds like "You can have PIV sex, you can have an orgasm, or you can have sex with him one right after the other with no breaks to rest in between. But you can only have 2."

Limit of the Universe here. Nobody's fault. Dude isn't a orgasm dispensing machine. He's a person. We all live inside very human bodies, and we all deal with our own biology and our own aging. You are all learning "HOW" to have a 3 person sex share together. You are all new at it with each other.

If this is the core problem with him....


but as life intruded in our daily interactions, unrelated problems surfaced and our primary connection has become shaky without the care and feeding it has had in the past.
You could focus on making more time for daily interaction to fill the need for closeness and connection with him. Not be bringing baggage from the (you + him) layer of the polymath into the (you + Him + her) layer when you 3 are sharing sex together.
  • Share more time and have heart to heart talks and express how you feel to share emotional intimacy.
  • Solve problems together and think things out together and talk to share mental intimacy.
  • Have those "baring of the soul" conversations to share spiritual intimacy.
  • Could guard against making intimacy of the body (like sex share) be the (solve all the intimacies) bandaid if a few of those have been going skimpy or be the ONLY intimacy you share.
  • Could guard against making sex share be only about orgasm.

Your partners seem willing to work with you and be supportive. Sort it out.

I don't know if any of that helps. Hang in there.


catinthehat 12-16-2013 01:23 AM

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. I think that I need to stop focusing on the PIV aspect and just enjoy being with Him. And we talked today and recognized that we respond to each other better when we're in better shape (ie, we both need to lose a few pounds, so that will be a bonding activity for us.) LovingRadiance, thanks for the suggestions that our girlfriend become more engaged in penetration activities with me.

Galagirl, thanks also for seeking clarification. The desired outcome is being able to have PIV sex with him, hopefully long enough to bring him to orgasm. Right now, that is not happening with He and I. At all. Not when we're 1-on-1 (we live together) or in the triad. Fairly soon after entering me, he has ED.

The difficult thing (for me) is that He is able to maintain the erection with her and orgasm with Her with PIV sex. He has explained it that a part of it is NRE, a part is that She orgasms more easily (I often do not with PIV sex as a result of my hysto) and that He is orgasmic in response to Her.

The other difficulty is that this is a new development in it's consistency. Before She joined us, the ED was not a regular occurrence with me. Now it is. We do share in various oral and play activities, but I've always gotten particular pleasure in his being able to come in me, and without my orgasming. And now, I miss it.

Magdlyn 12-16-2013 01:38 AM

I see it's only been 2 months since "She" entered the scene. And the ED arrived full time for you then...

Do you mean it happens with Him when She's not even in your home? He can't fuck you at all any more? I assume you and He do it when She's not there? Do you and She do it without Him? And He and She alone?

Threesomes, emotionally and physically, usually are very challenging in many ways. And men here do sometimes experience not being able to stay hard with a new lover. In this case, he's hard for her, but not for you. I imagine once the newness wears off things could change.

OTOH your new female lover using a vibe on you, or her mouth or hands, could be a nice new experience while your h's penis adjusts to new demands.

kdt26417 12-16-2013 02:02 AM

It sounds like some kind of biological response he's having, rather than something he decided he wanted to do. One's penis isn't consciously controlled, I can testify to that.

LovingRadiance 12-16-2013 04:44 AM

I think it's totally normal that you feel hurt by the fact that he has suddenly developed consistent ed with you.
But-as galagirl says regularly, emotions are like weather. This emotion (the hurt feeling) isn't the one you want to respond to with actions regarding the bedroom.

Better to focus on what you CAN do together. Especially because ed is so commonly worsened by the strain and expectation of getting it on. So take that away. When you stop showing any interest in that-it will alter the "game" so to speak (not speaking of conscious choices between you as a game-speaking of the biology of it all).

Also; in class recently we were discussing that "new" is always novel to our biological mind. In this case; she is new and therefore novel, whereas you are known. That is a biological fact. But-it won't remain that way. By nature, she will become known as well.
Additionally, you and she together can create "novel" by focusing on each other and letting him be the observer.

Overall; (and I do know this can require some serious conscious effort) make it a point to remind yourself that YOU ARE WORTHY OF ATTENTION, AFFECTION, ATTRACTION AS YOU ARE. This isn't about YOU.

Too often we personalize things, thinking they are about us, when they really aren't-and then we negative self talk ourselves in circles. Watch yourself for that. It's not healthy-and it's not true. This isn't about you.

One last thing; if working out and eating healthy is a way to bond DEFINITELY do it! The exercise will help you physically and mentally. The time together to bond will also. If you are both willing-definitely worth it!

catinthehat 12-17-2013 03:40 AM

Thanks for your encouragement and advice! I aspire to patience and am actively reminding myself of ALL of the ways that He and She show their caring for me on a daily basis. And as you said, Loving, this circumstance is not a reflection of my worthiness. I also think it's best to take PIV off of the table for us-no pressure on either side.

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