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-   -   Hello from a startled spouse (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=67357)

Amanita 12-12-2013 11:06 PM

Hello from a startled spouse
 
Hi everyone,

I'm Amanita, and I'm new to polyamory. I found my way here with the help of some lovely people who answered my plaintive questions elsewhere on the internet. Some background:

My husband (Astraeus) and I have been together nearly 12 years, and married for seven, and we have a young child. About six months ago, my husband realised he had feelings for a friend, Daedalea, (who is polyamorous). He decided he wanted to tell her about his feelings, and did so, and discovered that she had feelings for him too. They both wanted to pursue their feelings for each other.

This all came as a total shock to me, and Iíve really struggled with it since my husband told me about his feelings. A lot of the struggle is to do with my upbringing and background, and the fact that Iíve never ever thought that polyamory would become part of my world. However, throughout the whole process, Astraeus has been honest and open with me about his feelings and actions, and he hasnít gone behind my back in any way. Weíve talked a LOT about things, and strangely enough, this whole process has seen our relationship gain new life (weíve both struggled with depression in recent years, and our relationship had become reduced to a sort of apathetic, going-through-the-motions affair). Iíve also talked a lot with Daedalea, and we have become quite good friends too in the process Ė sheís a lovely person and I can see why they are attracted to each other, and how happy they are in each otherís company.

After all the talking weíve done, and exploring the ideas around polyamory, nearly two months ago I gave Astraeus and Daedalea the freedom to pursue a relationship together, thinking that I would be able to handle it. However, Iíve found the experience far more confronting and painful than I had ever imagined. The intense feelings of pain, anger, jealousy and fear have been awful and at times turned me into a really scary person. I love Astraeus to bits and donít want to leave him, I just want to find a way to be able to accept this part of who he is (and I hope one day to get far enough to celebrate it), and not let my fear overwhelm me and ruin everything.

I've been lurking around the site for a few days and have read some really great posts which have been incredibly helpful. I'm looking forward to discovering and learning more! I guess my primary aim at this point is to work on getting past my own insecurities so that I don't feel so much anxiety any more about Astraeus and Daedalea's relationship. We are currently trialling our first set of boundaries (intended to help us all feel safe), and that seems to be going pretty well so far.

I should also mention that Daedalea has a partner, Suillus, who is also struggling to come to terms with things. Things are a bit tricky there, as he is currently working far away, so hasn't been part of the getting to know each other process that's been going on between Astraeus, Daedalea and me.

I'll stop here for now. I'm really looking forward to reading more of the discussions and learning (and growing)!

Amanita
:)

LovingRadiance 12-12-2013 11:25 PM

Welcome to the board.
Please feel free to lurk and browse.
There is a LOT of helpful information in "goldennuggets". Worth taking time to read.

Please be sure to read through the guidelines so you know what the expectations are.

The board is an open forum, where anyone can (and will) share their opinions. So keep this in mind if you post questions or seek advice. Any given opinion may not fit for your situation and that's totally ok. You can ignore any posts that don't interest you. You can also block any posters you feel a need not to continue reading.

If you encounter any spam or offensive posts, please report them. The mods will continue to do our best to address all reported posts in a timely manner. ;)

If you have any questions about the board itself, please feel free to private message a moderator (of which I am one). We will do our best to help.

kdt26417 12-13-2013 05:40 AM

Hi Amanita,
Welcome to our forum.

Have a look around, there is a lot perspectives and insights to draw from here and it will help you work through this difficult emotional process. I think that mostly this is something you'll have to endure for awhile as it won't get easier overnight. From what you're saying things have only "been poly" for a few months, whereas it can take a few years at least. I don't mean to discourage you, I just mean that you need not think you're doing something wrong if your feelings don't settle right away.

Polyamory's not for everyone but you seem to have a sincere desire to try and adapt to it. Just don't totally shut the door on monogamy in case you need an out.

Please keep us posted and let us know how things are coming along.

Glad to have you onboard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Amanita 12-13-2013 07:59 AM

Thank you both very much for the welcome and the information about the boards! And thank you Kevin for this:

Quote:

From what you're saying things have only "been poly" for a few months, whereas it can take a few years at least. I don't mean to discourage you, I just mean that you need not think you're doing something wrong if your feelings don't settle right away.
One of my stumbling blocks (in my whole life and not just in this) has been to worry about whether I'm doing things right, so it helps a lot if I can hear from time to time that what I'm experiencing is normal, or at least, not unexpected!

Also, I don't want to fall into the trap of spending too much time catastrophising and focusing on the difficult stuff. One of the great boons in this has been the lovely experience of falling in love with Astraeus all over again. He really is an extraordinary soul, and I'm not at all surprised that another woman has fallen in love with him! Hearing about all the things Daedalea appreciates about him has made me appreciate them too.

Amanita
:)

kdt26417 12-13-2013 08:12 PM

Re:
Quote:

"One of my stumbling blocks (in my whole life and not just in this) has been to worry about whether I'm doing things right, so it helps a lot if I can hear from time to time that what I'm experiencing is normal, or at least, not unexpected!"
Absolutely; it's quite normal.

Good luck and let us know however we can be of help.

Regards,
K.T.

idealist 12-13-2013 09:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amanita (Post 254065)
One of my stumbling blocks (in my whole life and not just in this) has been to worry about whether I'm doing things right

Welcome! I hope you get as much out of being here as I have! The good thing about Poly is that there is no "right" way! The lifestyle is so open an since it can bring multiple people together it requires being flexible and open to understanding the thoughts, feelings, beliefs, intentions, values etc. of each person involved. Communicating, compromising, experimenting.....it's all a part of it. Being authentic and honest is the best way to create a firm foundation.

During times of difficult emotions, I find that focusing on self care is the best medicine!! I get back to basics. Eat healthy, daily exercise, get plenty of sleep, drink lots of water, and then do the things that bring you pleasure!

vertiginoushigh 12-15-2013 04:47 PM

Hi there. I'm new to polyamory too, it's quite a whirlwind isn't it!?

I just wanted to say that as far as I understand it polyamory should be something that both partners are happy with. I think it's fantastic that you are giving it a go and trying to adapt but don't fall into the trap of saying yes to something you're not happy with just because you're afraid of losing your husband to this woman. Lay your own boundaries.

Having said that, I think if you could come to terms with it you might find it (as I do) really healthy and fulfilling. Good luck.


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