Are we on the right track?
Hi there, my hubby and i of 7 years (well including dating is almost 14 years) began our road towards poly lifestyle/non monogamy via swinging a little over a year ago.
We started out w/ couples and then I the female half realized i was truly Bi (well according to some tests, I am practically gay, but that i love my husband dearly and can't imagine life w/o him proves those tests are not always so accurate). However, i love being involved w/ women in all of the ways. (not just sexually, and not just platonically, i find the combo really satisfying).
My H on the other hand likes things separate other then with me... in other words, he is not looking for two wives, a wife and a GF or such. He is happy to be sexually involved, or have female friends, and that is his stance at this time. We have certainly discussed the "what ifs" and the "would you evers" and he has said it has crossed his mind, but mostly when im not around b/c he gets lonely.
But, im getting ahead of myself. So, after being w/ cpls/singles in swinging, i desired something "more". I met a nice foreign, bi girl and we developed a nice connection both as friends and sexually. However, H at that time was feeling kinda excluded. I proposed having some "3way fun" to her and she agreed, and which we did from time to time.. she ended up being my GF and my H's FWB. (hubby was the one who actually pushed me gently to become GF's w/ her, exchange rings, etc). It was wonderful! We traveled together (her and I, as well as the 3 of us). Of course there were a few hiccups along the way, as to be expected... but we worked through them. In the end, we were all very sad when she had to leave us and go back to her home country, but it was the reality we knew about all along. We still KIT and such.
Now, i am ready to explore again. I have grieved a bit about her loss, and feel ready to move forward. Its been tougher this time around. I have already had my heart toyed with by a much younger girl i took a gamble on (well, she was similar in age to my former GF but i guess some may say there is a difference in eh-maturity levels of Americans vs other countries, or perhaps we were just on the wrong page). However, that situation annoyed me quite a bit, as well as my H who had to play therapist more then he would have liked im sure.
Hes a great guy, and I dont want to do anything to screw up our marriage at all. I get this sense from him that he loves me so much, he is really willing to do anything that is fair and negotiated properly. However, i hate that when i go out w/ a female friend, he is home by himself. it makes me sort of sad. but, i know it might sound hypocritical of me, and while i have proposed it as being "fine" before, idk if i could handle if he had his own woman. that thought scares me a bit. I know its a normal fear but it scares me enough that lately we have gone back to the swinging world, where its more about the sexual aspect. We have recently met a nice couple who happen to be foreigners (a big plus for me, well hubby too) and they seem to want a nice friendship with us.
The trouble is, now that i have had this intense RL with a female, i am really longing for something like that again. I learned a lot, and theres some things I would do differently, but overall its an experience i would love (perhaps need) to have again to feel 'balanced'. But, my H does like to be involved, which i see as fair, b/c otherwise, i should really allow things to be open on both ends (i guess we have had a "V" RL at the moment? i am still learning, lol) but - its really hard to find a woman who fits this description of being open minded, willing to be my lover, as well as my hubbys occasional fwb. But, i am a very persistent woman. However, there is a part of me that wants to experience a gay woman, and obviously, she is most likely NOT going to like any sort of 3way proposal.
Once my GF left, Hubby did admit to me he felt somewhat excluded w/ my GF, and he didn't feel involved enough. The good news is we are very open with our communication and i do believe in poly love, obviously, but i guess Im a bit selfish here b/c i am scared to death of him seeking it out. I have a fear of abandonment, so this is an issue.
(i should also note: when my GF left, perhaps it was the seperation anxiety, but she did ask me in a subtle way to leave my hubby for her, which i did tell my H about. He forgives her for it, and we believe it was that awful seperation and finality of the situation that caused this reaction by her, but i admit to (at the time) being totally and utterly confused about what to do. All of this i told my H about. But i went through the greiving process and came out realizing i could never live w/o my H (nor full time w/ my former GF). But, i think that scared my H enough to want a little more control back over me, b/c he felt a little manipulated in a way by my GF.
It has been a really intresting journey, thus far. Right now, I feel torn as to what to do and what i want even. I have a few profiles for a variety of different things out there, and have been meeting interesting W, who mostly seem interested in me only... but generally, after people meet myself and get to know me, once I propose things to them after having built trust, and having met/liked my hubby, they tend to see how it can be really fun in the 3 way setting,... but its SO darn hard, and now i feel like i have to recreate the wheel again, after just having gone through this w/ fGF. I hope that doesnt sound like too manipulative, but its just in a vanilla world, people never thing of these things, and when they meet myself/my hubby, they tend to relax and open their minds a bit .... I never force anyone in any way, i allow them to use their free wills, but just put the proposals out there. Some go for it, and some dont. But, it does get tiring, and sometimes i feel like i can't win no matter which way i turn.
We read OPEN by Jenny Block, which is what initally kicked this all off for us. Funny how her and her Hubby shared the first Gf but after that, they went in their own directions. I guess i see the sharing as sort of cute and "team" oriented, vs exploring totally solo, which to me, feels separate. Im open and willing to try new things so if anyone here has any advice or sees something I don't see then i would greatly appreciate some feedback. Perhaps you can reccommend some good book suggestions pertaining to our situation?
Overall, becoming open has most definately changed my / our lives for the better, our marriage and overall quality of life has greatly improved! I could go on and on but it feels like a good place to stop now. Thanks all :)
Honestly there is no right track. But you guys do seem to have your shit together. I really don't have anything to say, but welcome to non-monogamy and keeping being open and honest.
My only ... warning would be you add a lot of complexity to finding someone special when you make it a couple vs 1 person. My wife and I start as Jenny block did. We hunted unicorns and in the scheme of things were pretty successful. About 10 months ago we decided to split our desires and start looking for people we could love as individuals.
I would suggest that he start actively looking on his own for someone that suits his needs. You seem to be doing all the work here. lol. I don't know that for sure, but when I picture him sitting at home while you go out looking for a replacement for the gf you lost this is what I imagine... he could go do his own thing no?
The thing is that no two relationships are going to be the same. Putting ideas of what you want into a box might make you miserable and sad. Why not get involved with a local poly group, make your own group up... get out of the swinging community if it isn't working for you entirely and get into, make your own community. That way you meet like minded people and can develop friendships that are with people that might blossom into something more...
The community that we have here started this way... I was part of that and it has been highly successful. I have a lot of like minded friends and they all have found people that work in their lives... not just as lovers but as friends.. love is love no matter what way you slice it.. it can develop into sex or not. The fun and excitement is seeing where it goes and being open to anything. This has been a sure fire way to my feeling like I belong somewhere.
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