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-   -   So... what do we do now? (long, our apologies) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6721)

brainfreezy 02-13-2011 03:42 PM

So... what do we do now? (long, our apologies)
This reads like the long mushy confusion of a teenager but it pretty much captures how I feel and think...

After a few weeks' learning through reading many poly threads about the practicality issues, the trust issues, the coming out issues, etc, we've decided to actually post a question: So what do we do now? First a little background, (okay, a lot of background).

Periwinklesunset (wife) and I have been close on and off for 15 years (this Tuesday actually) and happily married for 4. About a month ago, we slowly came out to each other that we individually had crushes on the same person. The weeks leading up to that were nerve-wracking as we thought "oh, we can talk about anything, but there's no way he/she would be cool with me feeling this way". Luckily for us, it was about the same person, and we were both so relieved that we could get that out in the open. After talking off and on about it - it has actually brought us closer than before! We joined this forum and both began reading voraciously.

So here's the deal: our particular unicorn is in a semi-serious relationship and we don't want to do anything to screw that up. We've actually gotten closer to her at social gatherings and really enjoy spending time with her but have not made any advances. So although it looks like she is respectfully off-limits, (crushes come and go, but hey - now we have this awesome friend and her bf is pretty cool too), she helped us discover that we're more open to poly in general and want to take the next step for us.

PS has had strong romantic feelings for another woman before, but that was a long time ago, so this is doubly challenging for her (exploring poly AND bisexuality for the first time at the *same* time). I feel like I've always been poly but thought something was wrong with me. So I'm just exploring it in the open with her, but am trying not to push her. It feels like this is more an opportunity for her so I want to be encouraging and supportive. I have some things I'd like to explore too, but I'd rather have us build a foundation together one brick at a time first, and I'm more interested in helping her at this time.

We're not exactly in a hurry to get with someone, but want to start meeting people for friendship and maybe more. We know that planning for a particular poly arrangement usually leads to disaster so we just want to start exploring. One problem is that we don't want to swing (we need that deep connection that poly offers, not to mention the NRE). Another is that we're both new, so the third would need to be more experienced and patient. Lastly, it seems like most people in this site accidentally "fell" into poly, whereas in our case it would be disrespectful for us to come out to our particular unicorn at this time. So here we are, happy couple, wanting to "fall into" something, (without "stepping in" something else).

We've picked up on a couple sites for potential dating (can I post them here?). Any strong opinions for one or another? PM me if you can't post them on the forum.

Also, is there a good poly chatroom that is fairly active? The one we found is pretty dead now.

redpepper 02-13-2011 07:15 PM

Hello there, there is a thread on poly dating sites if you do a tag search "dating" or maybe "dating sites" I think is the tag, you will find it.

I will PM you with a group you could join... :)

Have you read up on "unicorns" on here? I don't see any indication that you are specifically looking for one... but just in case. Also a good tag to search under.

brainfreezy 02-13-2011 11:22 PM

We did read up on unicorns, so truth be told I was using the term loosely (we don't even know if she's bi - but she's pretty open-minded so who knows). I was mainly illustrating that this woman is (at least currently) in the realm of perfect unrealistic fantasy. She means more to us as the catalyst for our internal discussion as a couple, self-discovery, and subsequent resolve to explore. We spent some time with her today as a matter of fact, and afterwards PS and I just had to laugh at how bad we have it for her and how clueless she is to it all.:rolleyes: Maybe we'll tell her down the road, but for now it seems inappropriate.

As far as us specifically "looking for" a unicorn - sure, that'd be awesome, but we're just starting out so what happens happens. We're just excited and very nervous. As a mono couple for so long, we never thought we'd be "dating" again, let alone under these circumstances. Ideally, we would love to meet a third that we could both form a close bond with, but we kinda picked her side first as she's more nervous and what she is looking for is easier to find than mine is. Exciting!

Anyway, thanks for the tip on searching dating threads - I hadn't thought of that. I was mainly concerned that if I expressed a liking or disliking for particular named sites that it may be against the forum rules. I'll try the search next.

Thanks for the PM! Following up on that after I post this...

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