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-   -   Do I tell my partner what my metamour said? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=67148)

Tigergirl 12-11-2013 03:30 AM

Do I tell my partner what my metamour said?
To preface this, we are in a closed Vee, and both my metamour and I have equal status with our shared partner. We have both been dating him almost equal amounts of time and neither of us live with him- he sees us generally the same amount of time. My relationship with my metamour has been rather rocky, usually caused by her insecurities.

Anyway, here's the issue: The other night I went out for drinks with a few others from our kink community. A woman I'm just beginning to be friendly with who knows all three of us asked how close I am with my metamour. I answered, "Not very, why?" She reported to me that at another social gathering a couple months ago, my metamour made an antisemitic comment and it offended a lot of people there. I was a bit taken aback, but not all that surprised- my metamour tends to lack social graces and I assumed she said something ignorant more than intentional. Then my friend told me what she said- "Jewish men tend to be date rapists." I was pretty shocked- definitely no way I could defend that!! Everybody who heard this was also shocked and said that made them uncomfortable to be around her. Then I was questioned about if she said stuff like that often- not to my knowledge, we don't spend much time together though, and she has made one ignorant/racist comment about Indian people in front of me (which I promptly said something about at the time). I was also questioned regarding if our mutual partner knew she said stuff like that and if he was okay with it- the vibe being that people would not want to spend time with him if that was the case. As far as my knowledge goes, he doesn't talk like that, but I don't know if she speaks like that in front of him and how he feels about it. People seemed like they were ready to assume knowledge on his part as her partner and to shun him as well, without any conversation with him. Do I bring this up with him? I feel like he has a right to know if people are thinking badly about him because of his association with her- but I also don't want to come off like I'm tattling on her and trying to start trouble, especially since I wasn't there for the initial comment and the context was very vague. (According to my friend, it literally came out of nowhere.). Thoughts?

nycindie 12-11-2013 04:09 AM

I would tell him exactly what you wrote here, which wouldn't actually be tattling on the metamour because it's really hearsay and you don't know if it's true or not. But I do think it is something to be concerned about. I would emphasize to him that it is was this person who approached you, brought you the info, was asking you about it, how odd that was, and how uncomfortable it made you to have to listen to that crap. I would make it clear that you don't like gossiping, but couldn't avoid listening to this person, and are trying to give your meta the benefit of the doubt but are concerned about the possibility that people want to shun him. Then I would look him in the eye and say, "Is it true? Does she really think that way and talk like that?" And see what he says.

Vixtoria 12-11-2013 04:43 AM

If you take out the romantic part of the relationship, then you should have your answer. I'm more comfortable being able to share and just openly talk to the people I care about. If a friend, or a coworker said something like that, or someone told me about it, I wouldn't even question telling my husband or boyfriend. Though I would explain the context, being hearsay and my own feelings on how others seemed to react to it. So if it was a metamour, why would I not?

I often tell hubby or boyfriend something the other said or something that happened to them at work or somewhere, this wouldn't be any different.

It sounds like you are worried about coloring his view of her, I can understand that, but as long as you aren't telling him this is how it happened and just what you were told, then you are just letting him know something you do and will probably affect him in the community you are a part of.

nycindie 12-11-2013 05:03 AM

T Think of it this way: if you don't say something and he is shunned or cut off from his friends, and they tell him why, how do you think it would feel to him if he went to you, told you what happened and you respond with, "Oh yeah, so-and-so told me that about two mos. ago." Eek.

london 12-11-2013 07:10 AM

I would mind my own business. There are lots of reasons why she may believe what she said. I'm not saying it is true, but it might be true in her experience.

KyleKat 12-11-2013 07:58 AM


Originally Posted by london (Post 253612)
I would mind my own business. There are lots of reasons why she may believe what she said. I'm not saying it is true, but it might be true in her experience.

Someone else made it her business. It's not like she overheard it. Someone directly confronted her about it. That means it's bad enough that it's affecting her life as well.

I say bring it up just to be like, "Is any of this true? Because people are saying this to me."

Inyourendo 12-11-2013 01:02 PM

If ot bothers you talk to your metamor about the gossip you heard. I would not tell your partner and I would question what your true intention are. Honestly if you do go to your partner any type of positive relationship you do have with her will be gone. It really is none of your business and if it were me I would let her her have a heads up people are starting rumors about her. She very well could have had something she said taken out of context not said anything of the sort. Even if she did say it she could just deny.it and you'll just be left looking like a shit starter

Inyourendo 12-11-2013 01:04 PM


Originally Posted by KyleKat (Post 253618)
Someone else made it her business. It's not like she overheard it. Someone directly confronted her about it. That means it's bad enough that it's affecting her life as well.

I say bring it up just to be like, "Is any of this true? Because people are saying this to me."

I don't think someone coming to me at a party, while drinking and telling.me gossip makes said gossip my business.

Tigergirl 12-11-2013 01:49 PM

Thank you all for the feedback so far. It is much appreciated! I admit, I am having trouble with how to go about this due to the already rocky relationship with my metamour- I don't want to cause more stress between us, but I also think it's wrong to know that people in the community are labeling her anti Semitic without giving her the opportunity to defend herself. Since I wasn't present for the initial comment and wasn't given a lot of context, I don't want to judge too harshly- and while we are FAR from BFF and find the comment as I was told it disgusting, I do feel sort of a team loyalty towards her due to our shared partner. I also don't like that whatever she has said has made people think less of our mutual partner without his being aware (which is why he would be told at all- otherwise it would just be a matter of talking to her or not) or that my being told felt like I was being tested for my reaction because "birds of a feather". I don't appreciate having people wonder if I agree with such sentiments because a girl I barely speak to said something shitty.

I was thinking perhaps an email to both of them? Something along the lines of: "hey, this was said to me, this was my response. Given that I was not there,I don't want to judge too harshly without context, although I agree that what I was told has been said is quite anti Semitic. I wanted to give X the opportunity to know that she has offended people so she can try to make amends with them if she chooses- I don't think it would be fair to know this and not give her the opportunity to make it right. I wanted XX to know because people are judging him as well, and I feel that as his partner it's my duty to inform him about situations that could be negative for him. I don't really need to be involved any further because like I said, I wasn't there for the initial comment, but if either of you needs further info about what was said to me, I can provide that. I hope I'm not upsetting anybody too greatly with this email, definitely not my intention. I have thought a lot about this and decided the fairest thing was to tell you both what was said to me because it's a pretty strong accusation to be called anti Semitic, especially if you don't know people are saying it."

london 12-11-2013 01:52 PM

I'd need a lot more context before I said her belief was "disgusting" or "anti semantic". Right now, it's just wrong.

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