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-   -   I think I am poly, now what? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=66645)

CuriousGreg 12-07-2013 06:45 PM

I think I am poly, now what?
My title is probably a little understating how big the Now What? really is.

I have been married for 2 1/2 years and throughout that time I have on occassion felt a stong atraction and I mean physical and emotional to other women. I never pursue and in fact distance myself from the invoker of these feelings and then I feel guilty about it.

I have told myself that the honest thing to do given my traditional marriage is to either avoid some of these people or make it clear that I am married and that things can't go anywhere. I still feel bad.

Back in the spring my wife and I hit a big rough spot and we've been trying to save our marriage ever since from her point of view and trying to see if it can work from my point of view. I think I should say that I was never big into the marriage or life partner idea in the first time but I found someone that I thought it could work. I always have also thought that she is one of many loves that I could be with.

Part of what happened for her was she developed feelings for another man and told me about it. She broke things off and treated the situation as I would have essentially but this made her question the marriage. They were deffinitevely being emotionally intimate with eachother but never physically. She felt horribly guilty about the whole thing and was afraid to tell me.

I was not jealous and I wasn't mad. I would have been mad if she had engaged in a physical relationalship without my knowledge and at the time I didn't really consider what if I did have knowledge of it? She also has tried to question me since then as to where that line where inappropriate is crossed for me. The only definitve answer I have is that entering a physical relationship behind my back is a complete non-starter and terminator of a relationship. My response to the actual flirting was that I was happy that someone made her feel special.

She is the jealous type. She doesn't like it when I have other female friends but she trusts me and aknowledges that this is her insecurity and doesn't ask me to not be friends with anyone. She doesn't like women immediately if she perceives them to have been flirting with me. I, to make matters worse, evidently am not terribly perceptive to being flirted with.

So I began reading about poly relationships and taking those 'highly scientific' online quizzes and I score fairly poly on them all to varying degrees but always in the poly range.

I have decided to tell her about all of this today. I think its part of the reason I am not happy in the marriage.

So how did people come to terms with the idea of being poly? It was never a thought to me because its not something I ever encountered in my personal life.
Any tips on how to approach this conversation? My default is basically be blunt and leave as little ambiguity to how I feel as possible.

Advice pertaining to any of this? Line your opinions up, I am pretty open minded and thick skinned so have a field day and pick this apart.

The last thing I want to say is that I think the idea of everyone knowing eachother and at least being friends sounds amazing. I am straight and that means that I could not be intimate with a male in the same way as a women which I am actually okay with (all in theory at this point obviously) but I think ideally all parties would be intimate with eachother all on the same level.

The more

Dagferi 12-07-2013 07:12 PM

Do you want to keep your marriage?

CuriousGreg 12-07-2013 07:22 PM


Originally Posted by Dagferi (Post 252743)
Do you want to keep your marriage?

I cannot answer that question simply since the matter is not black and white to me.

I had come to the conclusion that I do not think we can work as a couple and both be happy. I told her this and we had a long talk but she's fighting to hold on and its a consequence of this conversation that I realized I feel that I love more than one person at a time. I don't want to feel like I am being shoved into a box I don't fit in though and I would be astonished if she actually went along with this at all.

I think marriage is arbitrary and that peoples needs change throughout life and who is good for you now might not be later. Marriage was important to her and I don't oppose it and wanted the relationship to continue so we got married. She knows my feelings about marriage.

I still love her but I am not willing to not be me.

Dagferi 12-07-2013 07:28 PM

Then divorce her... Get your ducks in line. (All of them) Then worry about poly.

You have unfinished businesses that needs to be taken care of and it its NOT FAIR to pull someone into a potential shit storm.

CuriousGreg 12-07-2013 07:31 PM


Originally Posted by Dagferi (Post 252745)
Then divorce her... Get your ducks in line. (All of them) Then worry about poly.

You have unfinished businesses that needs to be taken care of and it its NOT FAIR to pull someone into a potential shit storm.

I agree which is why I had the conversation with her but she seems to disagree and is refusing to quit fighting. So now I feel that I need to bring all these other things which are really me issues not us issues into the equation.

Dagferi 12-07-2013 07:34 PM

It takes two to fight.

Remove yourself from the situation. Go stay with family and out friends. Out get yourself somewhere to stay.

Seek counseling... Either marriage or at least individual.

Stop making excuses and do the right thing.

CuriousGreg 12-07-2013 07:45 PM


Originally Posted by Dagferi (Post 252748)
It takes two to fight.

Remove yourself from the situation. Go stay with family and out friends. Out get yourself somewhere to stay.

Seek counseling... Either marriage or at least individual.

Stop making excuses and do the right thing.

I was thinking I should have included all of this while I was making my cofee. I was trying not to write a book.

We have sought counseling both of us and both personal and couples starting about 9 months ago. We have been physically separated for 7 months now and I have had my own place for over 6 of them. We are completely unintertwined financially. She will not let go.

I refuse to lie to her so she knows that I still love her but I won't say it either. I am also not an absolutist so I would never say we cannot work things out but I do not think trying to is in mine or her's best interest. However she has the love is all you need perspective and thus refuses to give up.

bookbug 12-07-2013 07:52 PM

If you are to the point that you don't think the marriage can survive, then you have nothing to lose by laying out to her what you want in life and relationships - while respecting what she wants in life and relationships. You may just come to the conclusion that even though you love one another you are fundamentally different regarding lifestyle.

You stated she is driven to "hang on," so I would make it clear that the issue at hand isn't a problem with the basic relationship between the two of you, but in that you find it easy and desireable to love more than one. Make it clear that this will not change - and that there is no point in hanging hoping that you will change.

Given her jealousy, she currently does not have the skills for poly, but they could be developed if she is interested in trying. That said, if she is truly mono, it will be very difficult for her to come to terms with you being poly (although we do have some poly-mono configurations on the forum), and she may be happier not dealing with it at all.

Dagferi 12-07-2013 07:52 PM

Let me put it to you this way. My marriage was pretty solid when I started my poly journey.

It almost destroyed my marriage. Poly will put a spotlight on every crack and flaw in your marriage and make those flaws magnify.

Poly does not fix damaged relationships. It never fixes what is broken.

Again do the right thing and get your shit together before perusing Polyamory.

The she won't let go is a BS excuse. She can not hold onto you if you do not want her to. Do things the right way. Again it is not fair to drag another person into your shit storm. People are not experiments.

CuriousGreg 12-07-2013 08:07 PM

Yeah, I am not interested in pursuing any relationship right now. I want to come to terms with this new perspective on my own and then reach out some time down the road.

This is why I was interested in people's own experiences.

I am with you on ending the marriage, don't think that I am not but she is asking for explanations and after the better part of a decade (only married 2 1/2 years) I think she deserves explanations. So the question is not what to do but how and that is where I am stuck.

She deserves closure, she's been a loyal partner and I need to reconcile giving her that while being honest with myself and her. I don't want to needlessly drag her into my personal issues though. So where is the line?

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