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-   -   Got Vetoed - need advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=66504)

Firelight 12-07-2013 01:16 AM

Got Vetoed - need advice
 
I am new to polyamory. Single. Divorced.

I fell in love with a good friend who has been in a polyamory marriage for many years. We built a relationship and felt our two families connected & intertwined fairly well. I love his wife dearly as a good friend. We have all been good friends for years. I never thought about polyamory for myself because I was married at the time to a very conservative & controlling person. With him gone, I finally get to be myself. Open. Happy. Content.

I started to feel a deeper connection with the husband. The relationship got stronger over the course of 6-8 months. Everyone was aware that we were communicating & building a closer relationship. Then it turned intimate very recently. We both got sucked into NRE & it was blissful. I was thrilled to have a deep connection with someone who really knew me. Respected me.

I made a huge mistake in not communicating to my friend, his wife, how my feelings had changed & I wanted more. She didn't react well because she found out after we had kissed & were moving forward quickly without consulting her. It was a lot for her, with very little warning.

They have been poly for their entire marriage 15yrs + and have had many poly relationships. They both have current poly relationships. I would have been tertiary. It was made very clear that where I stood in that respect.

I have my own life, lots of activities, friendships, and was not seeking him to be my "primary" by any means. I really wanted a relationship. Possibly long term. I didn't know what to expect. I just knew we made each other happy.

His wife was hurt. & upset and he communicated very little to me except that our relationship would be too hurtful to his other poly relationships. He had to choose between them or me and he chose them. I understood that he needed to put his primary relationship first but I was confused as to "why" I got vetoed. Quickly & abruptly. His other poly relationship was also hurt & upset by introducing me into the mix.

I don't understand. Feeling hurt but mostly missing the relationship that brought me so much joy & happiness and I believe it did for him too.

Did I miss something? I am trying to move forward, heal, and forget but struggling.

What should I do?

Inyourendo 12-07-2013 01:27 AM

Those are some pretty strict boundaries for being poly 15 years. You and he were seeing each other and she pulled a Vito because you guys kissed and he didnt get her permission first? Honestly this sounds like a situation I would run away.

Firelight 12-07-2013 01:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inyourendo (Post 252540)
Those are some pretty strict boundaries for being poly 15 years. You and he were seeing each other and she pulled a Vito because you guys kissed and he didnt get her permission first? Honestly this sounds like a situation I would run away.

He was given her "blessing" / "permission" but I believe she assumed nothing would happen. I think it was hurtful to her to be blindsided. I didn't communicate my feelings.

Bluebird 12-07-2013 02:25 AM

To her? She was your metamour - you weren't dating her. I wouldn't want a relationship where I would have to ask for her permission every step of the way. That is his job, to handle his relationship with his wife. Not yours.

Sorry it ended sadly for you.

AlwaysGrowing 12-07-2013 02:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Firelight (Post 252541)
He was given her "blessing" / "permission" but I believe she assumed nothing would happen. I think it was hurtful to her to be blindsided. I didn't communicate my feelings.

I don't understand how she could have been blindsided when there was "permission" already in place.

This is a crappy position to be in. I'm in the midst of it myself.

Is there a friendship to salvage or is it all going to be tainted by what could have been? Will she forgive you (and him) for whatever she perceives was done wrong so that there is a future in any capacity? Do you even WANT one since you were hurt so badly?

There's a lot to think about, cry about, and simply figure out. Let me know if you figure out any useful coping mechanisms. ;)

GalaGirl 12-07-2013 03:48 AM

Could you clarify please? :confused:

Quote:

Everyone was aware that we were communicating & building a closer relationship. Then it turned intimate very recently. We both got sucked into NRE & it was blissful. I was thrilled to have a deep connection with someone who really knew me. Respected me.

I made a huge mistake in not communicating to my friend, his wife, how my feelings had changed & I wanted more. She didn't react well because she found out after we had kissed & were moving forward quickly without consulting her. It was a lot for her, with very little warning.
I find the language here vague.

Does this mean... (and I could be guessing wrong):

That she was aware feelings were growing, and was ok with things moving along slowly and her comfort zone was at "sharing kissing now." But then you and he shared sex. Which crossed the comfort zone you had all agreed to? Did you break agreements?

Would she have preferred someone give her her notice first so she had time to prepare herself? Like...

"Hey... it's looking to go lover soon. Just a heads up...making you aware. We need to renegotiate the comfort zone soon."
But nobody actually did? :confused:

Galagirl

SchrodingersCat 12-07-2013 04:37 AM

You had something wonderful and now it's gone, and you're mourning that loss. Does that sound about right?

I can't say for sure of course, but it doesn't sound like there were any warning signs for you to "miss." (Of course, if there were, you missed them and therefore didn't report them here... catch-22) It's reasonable to believe that after 15 years of being poly, they would have worked out this shit.

The problem is, if they're still using vetoes after 15 years, there's a good chance they (she?) have a lot of shit that they've never actually dealt with, but rather bypassed by just shutting it down whenever it got "hard."

Breakups aren't fun. There really is a process of mourning to go through when you lose someone. Veto breakups are probably extra hard because you know it wasn't even your own partner who broke up with you.

I don't like vetoes. We don't use them. I don't date people who use them, at least not if they allow them to be used after relationships are established. For example, Auto and her hubby have veto agreements for PREVENTING relationships before they start. But if he tried to make her break up with me now? She'd tell him to go to hell.

Firelight 12-07-2013 04:48 AM

Quote:

Is there a friendship to salvage or is it all going to be tainted by what could have been? Will she forgive you (and him) for whatever she perceives was done wrong so that there is a future in any capacity? Do you even WANT one since you were hurt
I was hoping to salvage the friendships but you are correct, I believe they would be tainted. The trust is gone.

As for coping mechanisms. Just trying to find the silver linings. I have no regrets. It was still worth being vulnerable, connecting & giving & receiving love.
As your name says, we are always growing.

Firelight 12-07-2013 04:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 252552)
Could you clarify please? :confused:
I find the language here vague.

Does this mean... (and I could be guessing wrong):

That she was aware feelings were growing, and was ok with things moving along slowly and her comfort zone was at "sharing kissing now." But then you and he shared sex. Which crossed the comfort zone you had all agreed to? Did you break agreements?

Would she have preferred someone give her her notice first so she had time to prepare herself? Like...

"Hey... it's looking to go lover soon. Just a heads up...making you aware. We need to renegotiate the comfort zone soon."
But nobody actually did? :confused:

Galagirl

They were communicating throughout and no, we didn't 'to move forward with sex (even though we wanted to) because we saw & heard quickly that she wasn't comfortable after we kissed. We had a couple sit down chats, one with me & her, and then the three of us.
He said he needed space to let her figure it out and I respected that. He was hoping she would get more comfortable or okay but clearly she did not. Two weeks later, he called to tell me no relationship on any level. Not even friendship.

Now that I write this out, it's clear I need to move on. There is baggage there I have no part in & can't be responsible for.

Inyourendo 12-07-2013 05:28 AM

Wow, geez how misled you must feel :(


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