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-   -   Dating… should I limit myself? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=665)

Anonymous 08-24-2009 04:03 PM

Dating… should I limit myself?
 
Forgive me if I'm duplicating a thread, but I couldn't find anything discussing this topic.

I see threads on here about dating other polys, mostly through websites or groups. But is it ethical to pursue someone that may not be poly. Let me explain:

my wife's partner was not aware of this… "type of thing…" before she talked with him about her's, and our, interests. We are still in the beginning of the relationship and seeing how things go, and it seems like everyone is doing well. I have decided to not jump right into a relationship myself, but there is someone I'm interested in. She's not a close friend right now, someone that I just hang out with on occasion, and always around mutual friends. I think she's interested, or at least finds me attractive and likes my personality. But is it wrong to attempt to develop a stronger relationship with this person, when in all actuality, she's probably not looking for a situation like mine? Or am I wrong in assuming what her thoughts are and should let her decide?

I tend to lead toward the latter scenario, but I assume that I'm biased. Either way, with her or anyone else, I intend to develop a friendship first, then proceed from there. Does anyone have a similar situation they've been in? Should I just avoid the situation altogether?

Just to let everyone know, the reason I'm concerned with this situation is that my wife and I are very discrete about our beginning poly life. So this is not something that all my friends are aware of. For now, we'd like to keep it this way. Am I treading in dangerous waters by even considering this person? Like I said, it's nothing immediate, but I'm curious if I should just be looking in another direction…

River 08-24-2009 04:09 PM

Sounds like you don't know what her thoughts are on polyamory. I can't see why it would be "wrong" to find out. Does she have a partner, already?

Anonymous 08-24-2009 04:28 PM

She has no partner and I don't think she would pursue me, since she knows I'm marrried. I guess I'm just curious if others on this site have pusued someone that wasn't poly and how that went for them…

MonoVCPHG 08-24-2009 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonymous (Post 5330)
But is it wrong to attempt to develop a stronger relationship with this person, when in all actuality, she's probably not looking for a situation like mine? Or am I wrong in assuming what her thoughts are and should let her decide?…

I'm not even on the fence with this one. Don't put her in a position of giving more of herself to you in a intimate manner without knowing your situation. Speaking from the view of a monogamous person I would be severely hurt by this as well as feel betrayed/decieved.

Make sure you fully trust her first as you are so discreet.

Your friendship wil become what it will become.

River 08-24-2009 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 5334)
Don't put her in a position of giving more of herself to you in a intimate manner without knowing your situation. [....] I would be severely hurt by this as well as feel betrayed/decieved.

I'm not sure what's going on in this post, exactly. I presumed that he'd tell this acquiantance-slash-becoming-friend person that he was married and polyamorous at some point in the getting to know one another process. Then she'd have the essential info allowing her, at her own pace, to say whether or not she would be interested in exploring in a romantic direction.

We should not simply assume that everyone we meet anywhere other than at a poly gathering must be monogamous. And then there are those folks who are on the cusp of polyamory, but haven't even heard of the word, nor thought about the possibility of it much. You just don't know until you get to talking openly and honestly with a person. And friendship is probably the prerequisite for such openness and honesty, in most cases. But even then, some people have no difficulty being open and honest even with new acquaintances, and even regarding fairly intimate matters.

[I have heard that Canadians are a little different from Americans regards how slowly/quickly they open up with new folks.]

redpepper 08-24-2009 05:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JRiverMartin (Post 5335)
[I have heard that Canadians are a little different from Americans regards how slowly/quickly they open up with new folks.]

Really? In what way?

As to the topic at hand, if I hadn't of taken a chance on my dearly loved mono we wouldn't be here now.

I met a lot of men on POF through my ad that clearly stated I was poly and not interested in cheaters. I had a lot of questions and a lot of replies from men wishing that they had a situation like mine whereby they could, in an open and honest way, add rather than replace the love they had. I found it alarming that they were still on a dating site anyway! Also that it was not only a daily occurance to get a response like that, but several a day!

I'm sure, with full knowledge, she will always do what is right for her. Let her know what you are about and where you are at on your journey and sit back and wait to see what she comes up with.

River 08-24-2009 07:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 5336)
Really? In what way?

(r.e., differences btwn Americans and Canadians)

===

I heard the opinion from a Canadian that knows both countries well that Canadians are a little slower than Americans to open up with new people and strangers. I don't know if this is true, but in the forum where this was expressed nobody disagreed. The claim, of course, is a generalization, and therefore, obviously, needn't apply to all individuals in either country.

redpepper 08-24-2009 07:50 PM

Hm. Cool, never thought of it, but generally I would agree. We tend to sit back and watch before jumping in I think. At least that is what I noticed in my travels. I think we tend to want to be respectful to foreigners and their way of doing things. Again, a generalization.

XYZ123 08-25-2009 01:49 AM

I don't see a problem with developing a deeper friendship with this woman. A friendship is a prerequisite to a relationship in your case, I'm guessing. Just be sure to be fully honest with her should you wish to pursue a relationship later on. She can make her own decisions providing you give her all the information.

scandal 08-30-2009 12:09 AM

I am inclined to agree with MonoVCPHG here, having just recently experienced this from another perspective.

It is really important to disclose your poly self to this person as early as possible otherwise it comes across as deceitful to the potential partner ( even deceitful if you're just friends to a certain extent. ) It leaves you and the potential partner wondering what other skeletons you may have in the closet here, and using the excuse of " Oh but I thought she'd/he'd run a mile if I told them" does not cut it. Interested in this person? Disclose straight away.

My boyfriend recently gave up being poly because he fell head over heels for a mono lass and he enabled that relationship by failing to disclose about us. So in one movement, devalued my long term relationship with him as well as placed the new partner in a difficult position. ( Disclosure to our partners , both future and present, about our activities is really the only rule we have in our situation, and it is very much a way of demonstrating respect for our partners. ) We broke up because I did not appreciate the lack of respect he had shown our relationship and because he wanted to make his new partner happy.

So for the sake of all involved, Disclose.


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