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-   -   Help with my Girlfriend (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6619)

Tolvelski 02-11-2011 06:15 AM

Help with my Girlfriend
Hello, Im here because I need some help. I am a monogamous just to let you know, but my girlfriend believes she is polyamory and I need help. She believes she has been polyamory her whole life even though she has had only one poly relationship her whole life. She has lived as a mono and our relationship has been mono also for the past year.

Now my problem is that I dont want us or anyone else getting hurt in this matter. It started out that she wants to date girls since she is bi but she cant in our mono relationship. Now knowing her, I know that most of her relationsips have been with females so I think she prefers them over males. Next I know I am the jealous type and so is she because Ive only had a female cuddle with me once while we've been together and she instantly locked up and wouldn't talk to me till we left. She is still young and stubborn and I have freinds with experience in these relationships but she wont listen. She believes she can do it cause she has had one relationship that she called a poly relationship. But really the guy she was dating cheated on her all the time, abused her and ruined her life. I know cause I spent the past year fixing it. And only her girlfriend actual cared for her making it really only a mono relationship with a guy on the side who didnt care. I just dont want my love getting her, myself or anyone else hurt... I can give more details as this thread goes on. I just cant think straight at the moment which is why I ask you, the "TRUE" poly people for help. She is as stubborn as I and thinks she knows what she's doing but she is only 17 while Im 18. Nether of us know what we're really doing but I care for her. Please help us.

redpepper 02-11-2011 06:44 AM

Would she be willing to read here a bit? Maybe the two of you could read together. That way a question might evolve where by we all can give you some guidance and support in a specific way rather than a broad way.

Maybe if I ask some questions it will help.

What makes you think this ex cheated rather than was poly?
What steps have you made to walk through your jealousy, or her through hers?
What part of poly does she think she is successful at so as to make her think she can "do it?"

Tolvelski 02-11-2011 07:31 AM

Ill admit, very good questions. Well to answer the first thing about getting her on here. She is blindly stubborn, she feels that she knows what she is doing in her heart and is following her feeling she said. When it comes down to it, I try to find answers and work things out, she goes with gut instinct. I've already done plenty of research in other websites to learn what a poly relationship is and kinda how it works. I've tried getting her to read these things with me but she goes back to saying she is following her heart and I can take whatever one else says and all my research and pretty much shove it. Like I said, blindly stubborn. Luckly though with enough effort and time, this has yet to stop me with past things we have had problems with. Now as you can see, I am here asking for help because I like to not only think Im right but also be able to back it up with reasons and support and if Im wrong then so be it. I search for the truth and dont really care if I am right or wrong so long as I find the truth. So pretty much I'd love for her to join me on her so that we might better this situtaion but she has to accept that she doesn't know everything and I know being 17 make that hard for her. Even though Im only 18 myself, people agree Im pretty smart and mature for my age. But also being the same age just a year ago I know how easy it is to say screw you to every one else.

Anyways, moving onto you first question. How did I know whether he was cheating or a poly. Well for starters I know a poly relationship is based off of honesty and trust. He was nether honest nor trustworthy and I know that people with in the relationship have a say. She had no say in the matter and he went back to his ex and was having intercourse with her without my girlfriend even knowing about it. She found out one day when he brought her over and she questioned who she was and he told her and what they had been doing. Along with cheating on her he was also abusive, he would hit her, choke her and degrade her. Which is why when I started going out with my girlfriend she was majorly depressive and preformed in self manipulation with a razor to her arm. Luckily over time I helped her out of this and she is happier and better off without him and what he caused. Now I know all this might not be able to answer the question fully since I would need her to explain it all to you, but if you had to go through all the months of work that I had to, to help her back on her feet after her previous boyfriend. You too would know he was not the type of person expected to be in a poly relationship nor even just a good person at heart.

Now your next question, what have we done about jealousy. Honestly "we" have done nothing. "I" have tried to work on it personally since when I first met her I was the unbearable type of jealous. I didn't like people even looking at her in a way that might seem threatening to me or my relationship. Luckily I have made improvements to better myself in this matter but I'll admit I can only do so much alone and I still am the jealous type. My girlfriend on the other hand doesn't believe herself to be jealous. She believes herself to be completely open and carefree when this is not true. And all I can say is good luck getting her to admit anything that goes against what she says without a fight, and I have had to fight a lot of battles with her. But I dont care, I love her and I continue to help her. Problem is I try to get others to help also and she feels that Im turning people against her even when I get help for both of us. But back to the original question, I know Im jealous but I'm willing to get help from whoever can give it. She on the other hand is in denial and refuses to admit it and refuses to listen to myself or anyone else who tries to help her. The only reason I can help her is cause we love each other and she trust me so given enough time I do help her.

Now you're final question, what part of a poly relationship does she think she is successful at? Well she wont say, she says she knows what she is doing, that she has done it before and that she can do it. That's all she has said on the subject. Personally, Ive asked her questions like "how many poly relationships has she been in" and she answered "one" and she said it was with one of her friends and the ex that I and to help her recover from which instantly struck me as not counting since I know how he was and what he did to her and that was not a poly relationship. It was a mono between her and her ex girlfriend and she had a guy who she called her boyfriend who actually only had her around to have sex with and take his anger out on by beating her. She replied that the point is that she has had poly relationship before even though she hasn't. I also even asked her if she was she about this wanting a poly relationship and the fact that she could do it but of course she said yes. Afterward I had to stop talking cause she easily feels cornered so I had to back off otherwise it would break out into fight which I didn't want. And that kinda leads me to my next point, we already have a relationship and it is hard enough with just me and her, plus she tried to break up with me yesterday so that she could try for a poly relationship without giving me a chance to defend myself. Luckily I was able to dodge that bullet and now we're in this together.

I hope that was able to give some insight to our problems.

redpepper 02-11-2011 06:56 PM

The only thing I can think of that you can do is start the ground work of your boundaries. Start talking about what you can accept and what you can't. Ask her to do the same until you reach a common ground. You might be pushed to compromise, she might be also, that's just how it is. Keep moving and adjusting the line of your boundary until it is mostly comfortable for both of you.

When someone comes along that is serious for her, the boundary moves again. It should be as fluid as you all feel comfortable. The most important thing is to keep being honest with each other and yourself, keep being open to new ideas and consider other peoples feelings as much as you can.

If she is good at poly in terms of how the two of you define it, then you should trust she will stick to what you have negotiated. If she is unable to, then its time to talk again. If she is disrespectful towards the process and towards your feelings, then I think I would look at whether it is worth staying.

Stubborn and disrespect are different things. Stubborn means she is sure of what she wants. Disrepect would mean she can't see past that in order to meet the needs of another without compromising her own needs and wants.

Hope this helps. Its my opinion from what I have practiced. It has worked for me to the best of its ability. Not perfection, but a start.

Tolvelski 02-11-2011 09:47 PM

Today I talked to counselors about the relationship that my girlfriend and I share and about all the things that have happened. Now I didn't just get one persons opinion but multiple and they range from friends to counselors with master degrees in human relationships and interpersonal communication. And sadly all have said the same thing to me, break it off. One said that the relationship that my girlfriend and I share is a child and parent relationship where I fill the roll of the parent trying to get her up to the same level as myself so that I no longer have to be a parent but instead a boyfriend like I should be. But the problem is no one can get her to mature to the point that she should be so that we may be on the same level except herself. Till she chooses to grow up, it well never work. I have been told on multiple accounts that we should break up and I should find someone on common grounds as myself and that for herself, she needs to step back look at the life she is living because till she makes a change things well be the same. By her remaining immature she well always fill the role of a child so that the only matches she'll have are ether she'll find another person that shares her immaturity and they'll never have a serious relationship. They'll have the relationship of two little kids that like each other but also know what sex is. Or she'll find someone who knows what common ground they stand on and want to find someone who shares that in which case they well never last because they well quickly notice her child like attitude and leave her for someone who act more their age. Or finally someone like myself well come along and fill the role of the parent and try to help her like I have the past year in hopes that she well grow up so that we can share common grounds and perspectives. From what Ive been told over all the short sessions was that she is not a polyamory, she is a immature teenager who still wants to get things her way and because a friend told her about polyamory she has take that on as a excuses for her actions so that she may get what she wants and that is to date girls which she prefers over men.

From experience with our relationship I know she well not survive in a serious relationship because she does not take in to consideration anyone's thoughts but her own. Over the time I have been with her it has always been about her, I have constantly been selfless in our relationship and focused on helping her but forgot about my own needs in the long run which is why I have been depressed and felt degraded. I am not getting my emotional needs out of this relationship while all she does is take. When she needed help because of hurt feelings I was there for her to help her out of her slump and yet when I even want to see or speak to her lately it's ether she changed her mind about seeing me like today, something came up in which she just doesn't want to see me even though she still could, or she tells me like she has multiple time before that she is busy and doesn't have time nor want to talk or see me right now. And the saddest part is that she says she i busy and I hadn't seen or spoken to her for say three days and she tells me she is busy reading manga and listening to music on the internet and another time she told me to forget about coming over cause she was busy and when I got there she was just playing Sims on the computer so pretty much a game was more important then me, her boyfriend. Of course when I complained she reacted immaturely by saying I have something against her playing games which I don't it just she puts them ahead of us. I have actually walked out and left cause I was supposed to spend the day with her and all she did was ignore me and play games. Then later she said if I had a problem I should have just said something and yet when I have she gets all crappy with me. Recently she spends most of the week with friends and just blows me off and when she isn't with friends she comes up with an excuse as for a reason not to see me. She has a hard enough time dealing with a mono relationship with me and yet she thinks she can take on a poly relationship which I know she cant nor is she a poly herself. The reason she didn't have a poly relationship all the other times was cause she was in in a relationship with a girl and yet when she tries to be with a guy now all of the sudden she isn't okay with a mono relationship but is instead a poly all along which I find as a pathetic excuse. This is why I dont want to try this poly thing because I know she is lying, she says it's whats in her heart but whats really there is not the poly drive for multiple relationships but instead the drive for female companionship. Which is why she has always had a mono relationship with girls and a pathetic excuse for a poly relationship with the only guy she has ever dated other then myself. She is not a polyamory, that is a lie and an attempt to get what she wants like normal. Im sorry if I wasted your times since it took me a bit to put 2 and 2 together.

nycindie 02-11-2011 10:10 PM

More paragraph breaks, please!

Derbylicious 02-11-2011 10:31 PM

All I have to add is that your girlfriend may very well be poly but likely doesn't have the relationship skills at this point to be able to manage more than one relationship. She is only 17! It sounds to me like she still has a lot of work to do on understanding herself and what she really wants.

You said in your last post that everyone is telling you that you should leave her. However you didn't say if that's what you want to do or not. Do you think she's willing to do the work required to have a more mature view of herself and her relationships? Are you willing to hang in there with her while she does the work?

Tolvelski 02-11-2011 10:51 PM

Im willing to do what ever it takes to work this out. And no I do not want to break up but she says she wants to break up with me because she tried of hanging out with me, doesn't want me around anymore and feels burnt out in our relationship. And honestly, I don't think she is willing to do the work nor does she wish to work at this in a mature manner. None of our problem has she worked at our was mature about. And when I ask her how does she feel she is help our relationship or what work she is putting into it her reply is that she works to put up with me. Not much else.

Tolvelski 02-11-2011 10:56 PM

Just a little bit ago I finally agreed to back off and give her some space. We haven't broken up but she says she is pissed at me cause I went over to her place. So now I have to be patient and hope she can work things out herself to the point of were we can talk. But I am kinda nervous cause the last time I gave her space to think she came back and said she's breaking up with me.

redpepper 02-12-2011 12:09 AM

You are both young, and she younger... perhaps in maturity level also. This seems all so grown up for two people that are 17 and 18. Why should she be with you all the time, think of you all the time, consider you all the time. She should be out with her friends, meeting people, establishing who she is. Eventually she will change and grow, as we all do... all through life. You could stay and watch that blossom in her and blossom in you, or you could hang on to what you think it should be and make yourself think its all her and her lack of maturity. I dunno, there is something a miss here. Perhaps you are just too different or perhaps you could let go a bit and just enjoy the person she is for who she is. I think she needs some space perhaps. Give her some space ad work on some boundaries. Maybe that would work... but approach it with her in terms of love and respect for who she is. Whining and complaining that she is not mature enough could make her leave you. (not that you are whining and complaining, maybe angrily judging? I don't know that either, only you do)

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