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-   -   Mono with a Poly who is married to a Mono (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=66100)

Ryanjhnsn 12-03-2013 04:50 PM

Mono with a Poly who is married to a Mono
Ok, so here is the story:

I'm a mono, and I've been dating a poly lady who is married. We've been dating for around 4.5 months now. At first there was a really descriptive "contract", but that apparently slipped to the wayside. We are sexually active, enjoy each other's company very much, and would like to start spending the night with each other (We currently have lunch every Wednesday, and hangout on Mondays).

In any other relationship I've had, sleepovers would have transpired a long time ago, but her husband doesn't like the idea of her spending the night with someone, even though he is well aware we have sex. As a Mono I can certainly understand. Yet as someone in a relationship I would very much like some sleepovers here and there.

I brought up the topic with him a few months ago, and the answer was that it at that time was uncomfortable, yet isn't out of the question, and the occasional sleepover would be fine at some point in the future. It was very indistinct as to when this may become possible.

Anyway, I let a few months pass, and then brought it up again. The lady said she would bring it up with her hubby and see what he thinks. Apparently he came out with 1 sleepover every 2 months.

Now I know no one can tell me whether that is fine with me. I can only know that, and it's not fine with me.

I guess I'm just wondering what your guys experiences have been with this or similar issues in poly relationships. I'm also aware that everyone is different, and our situations are different. I'm just looking for some advice and thoughts on time scale in poly relationships.

I was thinking about a sleepover like every two weeks or so. Two months just seems insane.

What do you think?

Thanks in advance!

LovingRadiance 12-03-2013 06:31 PM

It isn't uncommon. But it isn't "the norm" either.

The bottomline in poly dynamics is that everyone needs to speak up for their needs and negotiate appropriate relationships for themselves. That means, if this isn't right for you, and she isn't willing to alter her availability (through negotiating with her husband) then she isn't the one for you.

london 12-03-2013 06:38 PM

That would be unacceptable to me. It isn't so much that we could only spending night every two months, but the agency and control the husband wants to have over our relationship. I'd be telling her that this isn't meeting my needs, especially as a mono guy, and I'm considering ending the relationship as a result. That gives her the chance to either speak to her husband and negotiate something sensible for all of us, or admit that we are at an impasse and part ways.

YouAreHere 12-03-2013 07:03 PM

Perhaps he's of the "get in the water slowly" variety and is trying to acclimate. What if you counter with a need to renegotiate after X weeks and see how that's received?

Ryanjhnsn 12-03-2013 07:32 PM

Thanks for the responses guys!

Yeah, the whole time has felt sort of like "testing the water" and moving into things gradually. I can certainly understand that, but it has been several months since it was first approached.

There was the comment that we could renegotiate after 4 months, but working in such large time scales seems rather difficult to me. And even then, what does that mean? Once a month? I don't want to feel like I'm in a long distance relationship.

How do you guys feel about the contract fading away?

I'm not sure. I mean a contract feels really rigid, but without it, I feel as if I don't have much of a say. He had said something about "Dealing with things as they come up", which seems a dangerous route to me when feelings are involved...

london 12-03-2013 07:36 PM

How often does she want to see you?

Ryanjhnsn 12-03-2013 07:58 PM

Well, she was also thinking a night over every two weeks or so would be nice, in addition to the time we already have (every Monday, and a lunch on Wednesday)

I think he pulled out the 4 months because the former contract (the one we don't use anymore) made reference to an agreed upon time scale for changes in the relationship. But that contract was made like 4 months ago, and we haven't even looked at it in at least 2. Also, things have changed a lot since then.

pulliman 12-03-2013 08:03 PM

It seems you guys have experience (and safe experience!) with things changing faster than the agreements might have been. That's cool.

Rather than setting something down in stone, right now, how about your say "let's try it this once, and after about 2 weeks, see where we stand."

Dagferi 12-03-2013 09:00 PM

I am the hinge between Murf who is mono and Butch who is polyflexible. Who is without another partner by choice.

There is no way I would allow Butch to dictate what kind of relationship Murf can have with me. How dare he feel like he has that power. Your gf needs to set boundaries with her husband. I have done overnights with Murf from the get go. We spend every other weekend from Friday to Monday with him, and a night or two during the week too.

If nothing were to change are you going to be happy.

Ryanjhnsn 12-03-2013 10:45 PM

Thans so much guys.

Maybe I'll tell them "let's do it once" for now, and see how everyone feels about it afterwards. That way there isn't a commitment to any specific "ruling" for the next 4 months or whatever.

I do agree too, that perhaps my lady is being a bit to passive with her hubby if she really wants to come over for the night. I think she may be trying not to "rock the boat".

I don't want to call it quits, but if this doesn't get resolved, I'm not sure I could continue for very long. It sucks to have a relationship with someone yet go to bed alone every night.

Should I push for a return of the contract, or just see how things work out?

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