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-   -   jealous of sub (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=65879)

Juliana 12-01-2013 02:59 PM

jealous of sub
 
I have been in polyamorous relationships for nearly 20 years, and have had surprisingly few horrible bumps. I am married and am also in a semi long distance relationship with another (all above board). He (the non marital partner) is a dom, but considers me his girlfriend, spiritual and life partner and a queen :) more than a sub. He has had subs while we were together and always valued and prioritized my time with him, which is hard to arrange due to having families and living far away. But we prioritized our relationship and he put me first. Recently he opened up his current sub relationship to include love and romance and meeting eachother's families, spending holidays together, the whole deal. I see him less frequently now but he swears his feelings for me haven't changed. I am confused because the sub role and partner role have been different, and I do not know how to handle the shift. Do not understand whether I will still fit into the picture. There are only 7 days a week, right? I understand that oxytocin is fun and I know he is excited to love someone who is available. I get that my problems are about me and my needs. But I am devastated. Ready to sabotage and give up something precious to me, and scared I will. Feeling like a jealous child and am feeling quite judgmental of myself about that. What is ok to ask or expect? I have no idea because my brain is getting scrambled and my fears are taking over logic. Any supportive insight would be appreciated. I am feeling so weak, sad and scared.

PolyinPractice 12-01-2013 03:09 PM

Sgt.

Sorry. But frankly you ARE acting like a spoiled child. Have you considered the possibility he loves her not because she is more "available," but because she has a lot to offer? You've been spoiled because you've always come first to him. .... but now he's found another. He's poly, though, and has given you every indication that he is not replacing, but adding to his life. Will you get less affection? Probably not. Will you get less time? Absolutely. Stop resenting him for being poly.... and maybe spend more time with your husband? You don't sound like you appreciate the extra time you'll get with him. ....Or use that time for self development. Acting needy will only drive the boyfrIend away. .. especially as he's been respectful of your time with YOUR primary.

london 12-01-2013 03:24 PM

I don't know why you thought a sub wasnt a partner to begin with. It seems like you took security in being above a sub in some sense and now you've found out that having a sub doesn't mean it isn't a relationship like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. In fact, kinky people are more likely to settle with someone who is also interested in having kink based sex and/or relationships because of the added compatibility. Instead of taking comfort in you, the vanilla girlfriend, being above any sub he had, you should have thought about negotiating a non monogamous situation that privileges your relationship. Too late now.

PolyinPractice 12-01-2013 03:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 251243)
I don't know why you thought a sub wasnt a partner to begin with. It seems like you took security in being above a sub in some sense and now you've found out that having a sub doesn't mean it isn't a relationship like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. In fact, kinky people are more likely to settle with someone who is also interested in having kink based sex and/or relationships because of the added compatibility. Instead of taking comfort in you, the vanilla girlfriend, being above any sub he had, you should have thought about negotiating a non monogamous situation that privileges your relationship. Too late now.

I agree... I hope my response didn't indicate that I felt kink relationships weren't "real" relationships ;)

london 12-01-2013 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 251244)
I agree... I hope my response didn't indicate that I felt kink relationships weren't "real" relationships ;)

No, your response didn't even include the possibility that anyone would think that, as in, that's utterly ridiculous and of course the OP knows that a D/s relationship isn't automatically less than any vanilla relationships.

SouthernGal 12-01-2013 04:10 PM

No need to get down on yourself. Jealousy is natural, even in poly relationships. What you can do is back up just a bit, identify exactly why you are jealous, and develop a plan to deal with it. This is an excellent opportunity for personal growth and I have found it also offers a chance to make your existing relationships more fulfilling. Try to avoid letting your thoughts get bogged down in the things that trigger the jealousy when it makes you feel bad and instead try to examine why they are triggers and how you can help yourself get your feelings more in-line with what you want them to be. Allow yourself to focus on the things that make you feel right and positive, as this will help over time to shift your focus to a more positive and happy one. Take comfort in both your relationships, the love they show you, and don't get down on yourself for the things you cannot control or the positives someone else has that you don't think you have. You are loved by two wonderful people who love you because you are wonderful too. It's difficult, but you can do it and come out better. Blessings to you while you deal with these difficult feelings.

GalaGirl 12-01-2013 09:45 PM

Quote:

I see him less frequently now but he swears his feelings for me haven't changed. I am confused because the sub role and partner role have been different, and I do not know how to handle the shift. Do not understand whether I will still fit into the picture.
Could tell him you are confused right now. And to get "unconfused" you would like to talk and come to understand how you still fit into the picture so you can handle the shift better over the next X weeks/months. Is he willing to have that talk?
  • Time needs to be made for him to spend with his other partner.
  • Time needs to be made to spend with you.

Sort out your time management. If you want to know what time will be spent together -- could ask him out Or if you are "schedule" people rather than "spontaneous" people, could ask him what his thoughts are for what "our night(s)" will be over the next X months so you can know what you expect.

Merely having needs for clear expectations in a time of transition doesn't make you needy or dependent. You could be adding to your own burden by thinking/talking down to yourself like that. You are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the person DOING the thinking and feeling.

If right now you feel scary stuff like this....
Quote:

Feeling like a jealous child and am feeling quite judgmental of myself about that. What is ok to ask or expect? I have no idea because my brain is getting scrambled and my fears are taking over logic. Any supportive insight would be appreciated. I am feeling so weak, sad and scared.
JUST YOU

How do you talk to yourself in your head? Because emotions are just emotions. If he's given you no reason to doubt him, you could answer BACK to the feelings of internal weather -- that it is just weather of anxiety. He's never gone nutty and he's not going to suddenly start NOW. In the past he has always treated you well, he's (list the stuff to yourself) and do some self-reassuring. That's an intrapersonal skill you could grow so you feel less anxious about changes.

It will blow on through if you let it and if you can self soothe. It just takes TIME to get used to the new normal. But change doesn't have to mean instant DOOM! You don't have to sit around thinking doom-y things cranking your own anxiety up. You are the one doing the thinking. Think something else, something based in actuality to counteract "fears" or "what ifs" or "perceived reality."

THE COUPLE

Everyone feels jealous at times. It's not a feeling reserved only for children. Maybe reading that together helps -- esp page 5 or 6 things?

There's a change to weather here, and to weather it well together -- you could talk to each other about it so that all players here get most of their needs met. If you have a hard time articulating what you need, could circle words from the list. Then could organize it as to what needs you would like to ask yourself to meet for you, and what needs you would like to ask him to meet for you. Then ask.

Then you are doing behavior to help you wind it down so you can relax rather than behavior that cranks you up into an anxiety ball. And you are part of the couple that is ALSO doing things together to help transition well so you can relax.

Remember to BREATHE. Don't hold your body tense... that adds to your anxious feelings.

If you catch yourself doing behavior -- stop to ask yourself. Me doing this is ADDING to my problems or TAKING AWAY from my problems?

You will be ok.

Hang in there!

Galagirl

Juliana 12-02-2013 11:03 PM

Thank you to those of you who put compassion, reason and thought into responding instead of just throwing insults. I talked with him, and in fact it was not me being a spoiled brat like a couple of you threw out so enthusiastically. There were some real things going on and some fairly important adjustments made. I was hoping this might be a good forum for dialog about dynamics in poly relationships and wonder if perhaps I triggered a couple of you? Anyway, I hope things go well for all of you and that you find support from eachother.

Juliana 12-02-2013 11:09 PM

Oh and ps to whoever said that I am vanilla and that kinky people prefer sub relationships, do not assume and judge. I am pretty far from vanilla and we go all kinds of places. Relationships are not so black and white as that.

london 12-03-2013 06:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Juliana (Post 251487)
Oh and ps to whoever said that I am vanilla and that kinky people prefer sub relationships, do not assume and judge. I am pretty far from vanilla and we go all kinds of places. Relationships are not so black and white as that.

No, that is not what was said. What was said that for a kinky person, a kinky partner offers extra compatibilty. It was you who thought you'd automatically come before any sub your partner had, it was you who saw the relationship as less than what you guys had. Unfortunately, you found you were wrong. And yes, looking down on kinky relationships in that fashion is offensive so I, and perhaps others too, did answer with an air of hostility against that belief. I don't know why, now, actually, because it was the person who held the offensive belief that ended up with egg on their face. Hopefully a lesson well learnt.


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