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-   -   Mono People. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=65863)

london 12-01-2013 10:30 AM

Mono People.
 
I had no idea what to call this but I want to ask some questions based on something going on in my life, right now, and based on some of the related threads I've read in here. This is primarily focused around meeting people online, but I'm sure you'll be able to adapt it somewhat to cover the way you meet people.

First, do you only approach/reply to people who are obviously non monogamous? As in, it's on their profile or you know they are in some sort of open configuration because of where you are or who they are with?

Ok, so, when you first meet someone, the majority of us are either upfront about being non monogamous or we let the person know early on. Supposing you start interacting with someone, they know you are poly, but you know they aren't. Despite this, they are still interested in spending more time with you (ie going on a date). They haven't really said anything negative about polyamory, nothing that would make you think potential cowperson, but they haven't declared that they are "okay" with the poly thing or would be willing to see if it's suitable for them. Is this a problem? If not, when would you be wanting some sort of "declaration of commitment" to at least understanding that you are poly and any relationship you build with them would be part of your polyamorous relationship style?

I don't think I've been altogether clear here, so I'll wait to see if you guys get me before I go on.

SchrodingersCat 12-01-2013 10:58 AM

I've learned that expecting people to know what I want them to say usually results in my disappointment, because as much as I want them to be, most people are not mind readers.

I tend to just let things play out naturally, so I can't imagine myself asking for a commitment of some kind, especially before even going on a date. But if I was concerned that someone might not be ok with poly, I would probably just ask them what they think about being in that kind of situation. I don't think it's presumptuous to discuss relationship arrangements before a first date, given that you're chatting on a dating site and those kinds of questions are to be expected.

I guess my situation is also quite different from yours. I'm married and have a girlfriend, so no one's likely to mistake me as being available for an exclusive relationship.

london 12-01-2013 11:16 AM

The reason I'm asking this is because of a difference I've noticed in me and my partner. You see, one of my biggest fears is dating someone who I bond with, and then they decide they don't want either of us to be poly and I have to choose poly or them. Now, I know what I am most likely to choose, poly, but still, the idea of losing someone I've bonded with feels me with dread.

Due to my fear, I won't even reply to someone who either hasn't declared themselves to be non monogamous or mention the fact that I am poly and they are cool with it in their opening message. I don't even pay much attention to the "are you open to open relationships?" question on OKC because I've found for most people it actually means are you okay with dating a few people before you settle down with one. This severely limits my dating pool, for one, and actually I don't really like the thought of dismissing people who don't know about or have never considered polyamory and might be highly compatible with me and being poly. Alas, the fear wins.

My partner, however, would consider dating someone who isn't and may not ever be poly. Eg, last week a woman asked him if the poly thing he has on his profile is just excusing sexual promiscuity. He went on to explain what it means to him and why it works for him and the conversation just evolved into other things from there. Some of the comments weren't anti-poly, per se, but they could be construed as not exactly taking it very seriously. The way he sees it is that if at any point of their bonding, she or anyone else becomes unhappy with him being poly, they would stop seeing each other. I totally believe and trust him about that, but it is hard for me to fathom why he wouldn't want to avoid that altogether. I'm wondering if other people take the extreme "nip it in the bud" approach that I do.

Saying that, I do acknowledge that he is maximizing his dating pool by giving the Noobs and the Didn't Even Knows a chance and to be honest, I probably should be looking at ways to maximize mine. And even if someone does make a declaration one way or the other, it doesnt mean it won't happen and knowing that makes me question why I feel I need that before I even go on a date with someone.

Nadya 12-01-2013 12:02 PM

Both my partners were "Didn't Even Knows" when I met them. Actually, I have not met any ethically non-monogamous people while dating and did not even know where to go to look for them. So the Noobs where my only possibility...

This has worked fine. CJ is cool with non-monogamy and has had some flings on the side - nothing serious as yet, but he is open for another partner. He had his growing pains in understanding what being poly means to me, but here we are happily together. It has taken a lot of communication from both sides, and there have been misunderstandings and false assumptions on the way. Still, I have read about much worse communication problems even on this site and between "poly" people...

With Mark the whole process has been easier. He declares to be mono, and he knew about my marriage from the very beginning. He has said that he does not want to break my marriage, and his behavior has been in line with his words. Well, sometimes he takes this to the extreme of not letting me know his wants and needs (if he thinks they conflict with "my well-being" or the wants and needs of CJ), but we are working on that. Assumptions, again...

Emm 12-01-2013 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 251219)
You see, one of my biggest fears is dating someone who I bond with, and then they decide they don't want either of us to be poly and I have to choose poly or them. Now, I know what I am most likely to choose, poly, but still, the idea of losing someone I've bonded with feels me with dread.

Due to my fear, I won't even reply to someone who either hasn't declared themselves to be non monogamous or mention the fact that I am poly and they are cool with it in their opening message.

How quickly do you bond? If a couple of emails are enough to leave you open to emotional trauma then you may need to work on that before you worry about the size of your dating pool.

london 12-01-2013 01:51 PM

It's not the fact that i would be devastated if someone did this after a date or two, but the way I think I can minimise it ever happening is by being very strict about only dating people who fit the criteria I already mentioned.

But yeah, in honesty, I would probably be mildly pissed off by someone who knew I was poly, still wanted to date and then pulled out. I wouldn't voice it to them because I know i would be pissed due to my somewhat unrealistic expectation for people to "know themselves".

london 12-01-2013 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nadya (Post 251221)
Both my partners were "Didn't Even Knows" when I met them. Actually, I have not met any ethically non-monogamous people while dating and did not even know where to go to look for them. So the Noobs where my only possibility...

This has worked fine. CJ is cool with non-monogamy and has had some flings on the side - nothing serious as yet, but he is open for another partner. He had his growing pains in understanding what being poly means to me, but here we are happily together. It has taken a lot of communication from both sides, and there have been misunderstandings and false assumptions on the way. Still, I have read about much worse communication problems even on this site and between "poly" people...

With Mark the whole process has been easier. He declares to be mono, and he knew about my marriage from the very beginning. He has said that he does not want to break my marriage, and his behavior has been in line with his words. Well, sometimes he takes this to the extreme of not letting me know his wants and needs (if he thinks they conflict with "my well-being" or the wants and needs of CJ), but we are working on that. Assumptions, again...

This makes me feel more positive about loosening some of my restrictions. I'll also admit that I see real benefits in meeting someone who is considering polyamory for the first time because they are free of some of the influences and beliefs that come when people have had their own experiences and history with the relationship style. What I need to get over is how I kind of limit my "openness" with someone I feel might live up to my fear so i actually dont interact with them in the same way I would someone I know is cool with the poly thing. That, in itself, probably halts the chances of me building a relationship with a Noob or Didn't Even Know.

Dagferi 12-01-2013 04:24 PM

Murf is mono and has been less of a pain in the ass relationship wise in my vee than my poly husband.

InsaneMystic 12-02-2013 12:53 AM

"No monogamy" is part of the talk that I consider necessary to have by the first date, at the very latest. People who want any kind of mono/closed thing simply aren't compatible with me, because I will not ever agree to that... and the sooner that incompatibility gets noted, the sooner we can stop wasting each other's time and agree on mutual friendzoning. ;)

Bluebird 12-03-2013 01:05 PM

I am clear in my OKC profile that I am married and have a boyfriend. And that I am searching for a third. It's all up front. I get a lot of garbage because of that (messages asking me DTF? And calling me a whore) but I think it helps to have it there. So far I have only had two possibilities that I've actually gone out with that were identifying as mono. One was a douchebag that I would have pepper sprayed if I had some to use, and the other I am now embarking on a real relationship with (I hope). His plan is to remain mono with me and see how it goes. My husband is mono with me, so I am ok with that, but I do worry about the new guy turning cowboy. So far he has been very proactive with asking questions and talking about how he sees things moving forward. I haven't gotten that vibe yet. We have only been dating for a couple weeks though, and we have been intimate once. *shrugs*

I absolutely don't want to be someone's "experiment" with non monogamy. I get a lot of messages from guys who are "willing to try it" and those get deleted. Just the way they word things, it is clear they will dump me in a hot minute once they meet a girl who is willing to be monogamous. I want to be a viable relationship in my own right, not something they do to kill time, if that makes sense.

With my new potential, he has never given me any indications as of yet that this is his plan, and we have talked about it. He knows what my intentions are, andI think I understand his motivations, so it's all good.

My advice is to give those mono guys a chance, but don't be stupid about it. :) That's how I am progressing, anyway. :)


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