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-   -   Possibly Poly to Mono musings (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=65726)

Monogamish1 11-30-2013 02:43 AM

Possibly Poly to Mono musings
 
I was poly. Grew monogamish. Now believe I want mono.

Married Poly former partner. I still want to have him as a partner, but don;t know how to reconcile what I want for him & what I believe I want for myself.

I see two major hurdles to us ever being able to grow old together as partners.
While there are many other issues as well, these are the two big ones:

First major hurdle:
I left him because of feeling hurt and betrayed when he was not being clear to others of his intentions of platonic only, when he told me he wanted only myself and his wife, & how he was subsequently delayed and refused to reassure me by concretely and plainly telling other(s) until I forced the issue.
Feeling like unless he can ever understand how I feel hurt and betrayed by his actions/inactions on this, that this same scenario would play out over & over.

Second major hurdle:
Would it ever be possible to reconcile my wanting mono for myself and wanting a partner mono to me, yet at same time not wanting him to give up his wife or deny his poly nature.

I transitioned my journaling to online here beginning the journal here with working through the communication to others hurts.

Any thoughts & suggestions and experiences are welcome.

Marcus 11-30-2013 03:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monogamish1 (Post 250911)
Would it ever be possible to reconcile my wanting mono for myself and wanting a partner mono to me, yet at same time not wanting him to give up his wife or deny his poly nature.

Wanting someone to be mono/exclusive to you is contradictory to wanting them to keep dating or stay married to someone else. Those are opposite ideas.

Did I misunderstand?

Monogamish1 11-30-2013 03:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 250919)
Wanting someone to be mono/exclusive to you is contradictory to wanting them to keep dating or stay married to someone else. Those are opposite ideas.

Did I misunderstand?

Nope, no misunderstanding.
Hence, the tugging heart.

bookbug 11-30-2013 08:47 PM

A lot of people think that if you love someone, you can work through anything. Granted, I think love gives one the motivation to do the hard work, to try a lot of alternatives while looking for solutions. But the truth of the matter is, you can love somebody deeply and not be compatible on a day to day basis.

In your situation, you are mono, and love a poly man - a poly man who appears to be uncomfortable limiting his interactions, despite what he tells you. Does this make him a bad person? No. Does being mono make you a bad person? No. But it does make how you want to conduct your lives and relationships fundamentally different.

If you chose to leave the situation and pursue the configuration you desire, does that mean you don't love him? No, you still will. But it might enable you to stop begrudging who he is. I can assure you has no desire to hurt you, but the hurt you feel is probably one he doesn't fully understand. And just hypothesizing, you probably don't understand the hurts you inflict on him by not accepting who he is.

Monogamish1 12-03-2013 02:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbug (Post 251112)
And just hypothesizing, you probably don't understand the hurts you inflict on him by not accepting who he is.

Nope I would fully understand *IF* I were asking him to change who he is how it would hurt. I'm not. I'm just fully aware if what *I* want for myself.
When I was living poly, I once left a partner because he was pushing me to leave my hubby because the hubby didn't treat me right... so I KNOW the hurts that would cause (funny thing was, had he not pushed, I would have left my ex hubby over a decade sooner than I eventually did)

bookbug 12-03-2013 03:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monogamish1 (Post 251520)
Nope I would fully understand *IF* I were asking him to change who he is how it would hurt. I'm not. I'm just fully aware if what *I* want for myself.
When I was living poly, I once left a partner because he was pushing me to leave my hubby because the hubby didn't treat me right... so I KNOW the hurts that would cause (funny thing was, had he not pushed, I would have left my ex hubby over a decade sooner than I eventually did)

Did I misunderstand? Are you not asking him to refrain from pursuing others sexually? Isn't that asking him to change who he is?

bookbug 12-03-2013 03:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbug (Post 251522)
Did I misunderstand? Are you not asking him to refrain from pursuing others sexually? Isn't that asking him to change who he is?

And btw, don't mistake questions as criticizing you for what you want. I have no opinion about what is appropriate for anyone else. (When I am in poly relationships, they have tended to be polyfi, and many people find that odd!) But it appears that it will be impossible to have what you want with him.

london 12-03-2013 11:49 AM

Best option for OP is partner completely monogamous, Ie no marriage - not going to happen.
Second best option is sexual exclusivity to OP and spouse. OP can live with this and doesn't see why it can't happen. Seems to be compromise.

Monogamish1 12-08-2013 11:06 PM

Bookbug - Nope I'm not asking him to refrain from pursuing others sexually. I want him to be who he is, and at same time I want what I want for me.

London - you are correct, I would love a mono-mono relationship with P, and yes I believe that would never happen, and I would not ask him to choose.

P is married, and he was/is sexually exclusive/fluid bonded to me. His wife refuses testing due to personal issues, and apparently was never much for intimacy with him to begin with. He is the one who expressed that he was only interested in being physical with me. I had only only asked him to be exclusive to me & wife until we had a solid relationship before pursuing others - I was the one who encouraged him to not deny his poly nature - but also requested that I be informed if/when he did want to pursue others physically again.. a very fair request in my opinion.

Could I "live with" a committed relationship to P where he remained married, whether sexually intimate with his wife or not, I don't know.
I want an anchor partner, for whom I am a priority. I don't want to have to beg and plead for time, to feel like "leftovers", to have my feelings ignored so he can chase other relationships whether sexual or not. I want someone whose home base is our home, who doesn't have to wait to find out what his wife's schedule (based on her work and her boyfriend's visits, etc) is before he can even consider if I can be offered those scraps of leftover time and attention.

When I identified as poly, my husband once expressed that a hobby I shared with my OSO (competition level dancing) was taking more time and energy that he wanted focused on him and he was feeling left out.. we compromised and the hubby tagged along socially at our practices and after the major competition was over, the hubby and I explored adding quality time with an activity only he and I would share.

Yes, I know even mono-mono share time with work, activities, friends, hobbies, etc... I was military, I KNOW how sometimes you simply cannot be there for a spouse, but the rest are choices. And when those choices are made unilaterally and I have to simply accept whatever is tossed my way without consideration, discussion or compromise- I'm not going to be happy. I wasn't happy when my ex-hubby took more tours in military after we had agreed he would get out after first so I could finish my degree - that selfish thinking demonstrated over and over again for two decades is one of the reasons he is an ex. I want a partner who takes my physical, emotional, intellectual, financial needs and considers those to be as important as his own, a poly partner can never do that for me because they also have a myriad of others to consider too.

Not bashing poly. When it is what everyone wants and can agree on, it is a very valid and wonderful way to live life. Just NOT one I want for me.

SchrodingersCat 12-09-2013 12:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monogamish1 (Post 250911)
First major hurdle:

I'm wondering if you were being honest with yourself (or if he was being honest with you, or even if he was being honest with himself) about what his feelings and intentions with others actually were. Is it possible that what he actually desired was full romantic relationships with these people, and that the perceived failure to tell others he wanted platonic was actually a failure to tell you that he wanted more than platonic?

Quote:

Second major hurdle:
Well, in the strictest sense, yes... it's possible to want two things at the same time even if those things are mutually exclusive. But if by "reconcile" you mean "meet both wants" then no, it's not possible for him to be mono with you and not give up his wife or deny his poly nature.


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