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-   -   not really poly, not really mono either (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=65679)

hersweetleaf 11-29-2013 07:54 PM

not really poly, not really mono either
 
whats it called when a husband and wife who've been together 10 years solid, married 4...who are both interested in the same woman, and only want to be with her, but its ok if she has a bf (as she currently does)

weve never "opened our marriage", but after talking about trying to spice our life up by going to try to find a threesome, we both decided that we aren't the "just sex, on the verge of a one night stand" type of people. we are the people that want to love before jumping into the sack. we are very caring people, and we sat down and talked honestly about what we both wanted, and came to the conclusion that we might fit the poly lifestyle. we wanted a relationship with the same woman.

so here I am. wanting to learn more, craving all the info I can get. we don't want to label ourselves, or our relationship, but when talking to others, if we do, we would like to know what to say. lol. :p

PolyinPractice 11-29-2013 08:45 PM

What do you mean, not really poly? It's not the only way to practiced the lifestyle, but it certainly counts. You do seem to be more polyfi.....long term, semi-closed relationships...but polyfi is usually s een as a subset of polyamory. Not something different.

bookbug 11-29-2013 08:46 PM

Very simply, polyamory means: the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.

It does not speak to how you got there, configurations, or how you choose to practice it.

hersweetleaf 11-30-2013 12:30 AM

well, we are more of "courting" this woman, than saying we are officially in a relationship with her so far. we have both told her we like her, and she says we are awesome, but she isn't sure if she can or cannot be with us. its more of we are all just riding the proverbial poly wave, waiting to see how it transitions. hopefully into something we can proudly call a relationship. so far just friends.

hersweetleaf 11-30-2013 03:14 AM

So basically if hubs and I are wanting to be with just her but she's having sex etc with "ex" bf but we do not want him to be a part of our relationship with us is that still polyfidelious or poly exclusive? Feels more like a friend situation right now. Not sure how to help progress things as we're super relaxed and don't want to make the first move. Lol.

The more I read the more I realize that we're unique and will make our own label. :)

Emm 11-30-2013 03:28 AM

I'm not sure why you feel "poly" doesn't fit since you describe a reasonably common relationship set-up, but if you want your own label then go for it. Just don't get annoyed when you have to explain what you mean by it every time you use it.

SchrodingersCat 11-30-2013 03:54 AM

Labels can be helpful as quick references, but I don't think there's any value in getting stuck at whether or not a label applies.

For me, I find that a label either resonates with me, or it doesn't. If it doesn't, there's no value trying to squeeze myself into that box just to please other people.

I prefer to think of the people involved as individuals, and then focus on the needs and feelings of those people. You could simply label it as "it's complicated" and leave it there.

hersweetleaf 11-30-2013 11:25 PM

sorry guys, im just trying to navigate this new part of our life, and not try to label us, but for reference incase of future conversations, it is helpful.

PolyinPractice 12-01-2013 03:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hersweetleaf (Post 250915)
So basically if hubs and I are wanting to be with just her but she's having sex etc with "ex" bf but we do not want him to be a part of our relationship with us is that still polyfidelious or poly exclusive? Feels more like a friend situation right now. Not sure how to help progress things as we're super relaxed and don't want to make the first move. Lol.

The more I read the more I realize that we're unique and will make our own label. :)

Sorry. It's not unique. ....I know others in your same situation. It's poly. . If you need a label. I think most would classify as polyfi. Stop worrying and do what feels right

london 12-01-2013 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 251245)
Sorry. It's not unique. ....I know others in your same situation. It's poly. . If you need a label. I think most would classify as polyfi. Stop worrying and do what feels right

I think it could only be poly fi if everyone in the network agrees to only have relations with people in the network. They don't have to have relations with everyone in the network, but definitely not with people outside the network. I'd just say the OP and co are in a triad, one member of the triad also has a boyfriend outside the triad.


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