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-   -   Fun sex / Safe sex (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=65676)

Perseus 11-29-2013 07:33 PM

Fun sex / Safe sex
Hello hello,

I'm a big fan of safe(r) sex. But there is no thing as safe sex in an absolute sense and this kind of freaks me out. Because if you educate yourself, go online, or read a book about it, it's all "shock and awe". I guess that's so they can scare you into using condoms?

Anyway, I'm so focused on the safe part that the sex itself is becoming less fun. So much that this is basically the hardest part about poly for me. I have a primairy, or what ever term floats your boat, and I would hate it if I would pass something on to her (or anybody else for that matter).

How to keep it safe AND fun. Also, are my worries of passing something on even when having safe sex realistic? What is your take on this?

InsaneMystic 11-30-2013 02:56 AM

Phone/chat sex and "ERP"ing are the only forms of sex that are 100% safe from all health risks. ;)

Beyond that... well, you'll have to decide for yourself (together with any and all potential sex partners of yours, obviously) what's a reasonably small degree of risk-taking for you. I'm kinda the last person on Earth to be able to give advice on that front, though, lol.

SchrodingersCat 11-30-2013 04:53 AM

Regular testing for yourself, your partners, and their partners is a good way to meet your need for safety. Condoms are pretty effective. Avoiding one-night-stands with strangers and people who won't disclose their status / history (history up to a point. What you did 10 years ago, before testing clean 10 times in the last 2 years, is irrelevant. What you did last week is not.)

london 11-30-2013 08:33 AM

Use condoms. Regular testing. Educate yourself about STDs. Having casual sex doesn't matter, just use condoms.

hersweetleaf 12-02-2013 08:28 PM

just go get tested every 6 months. that's what I do, even before we opened our marriage up.

you can get home tests now right?

bofish 12-02-2013 09:02 PM

I just had a long talk about safe sex with one of my guys friends. He plays on a regular basis with his husband and a third. He says that in cruise places he's explored men are getting more and more lax with unprotected sex... there was also an article about it in the Times last week. However, people are pretty open BEFORE he even meets them about their status and whether they practice safe sex. By the time he the get to his bedroom .he already knows their opinion of condoms and no one, he said, has gone back on it. I don't know if he plays with people who are positive or not. I doubt it. Our friend died of AIDS, and he has remained negative all this time.

Does he have fun? HELL YES! probably way more fun that he should,

I think you are always taking a chance with new partners, but I think a condom usually works and people usually don't lie about their status. I'm sure there are many exceptions, so it IS always a chnce. However, I do know men who have been in pos/neg relationships for teen plus years and never contracted.

What STD'S are you afraid of getting?

bofish 12-02-2013 09:05 PM

I didn't look at your gender/perference.. but I have to say, getting fingered in a dark bar is pretty fucking fun. But I'm a little slutty. LOL

Dana 12-02-2013 10:53 PM

While I agree that there is no such thing as 100% safe sex, I do believe that there are definite ways to mitigate risk and that my choices about how I do so, are mine alone. What this means for me is that my primary (spouse) is unwilling/unable to have protected sex with his other partners. He assumes a level of risk with his partners that I am unwilling to assume for mine. As a result, I have abandoned our sexual relationship. He has ED with a condom and doesn't want to do meds. Okay, your choice. I don't want to assume risk on behalf of my partners AND would like eventually to have the option to be fluid-bonded with somebody. With him in the sexual mix, that would be impossible. There was no threat made. I did not give him an ultimatum. But when he made his choice, I voted myself off the island.

bofish 12-03-2013 12:31 AM


That sounds really difficult. I'm really sorry. Why did he make that decision?

Dana 12-03-2013 12:42 AM

It's so convoluted. I don't really *know* why enough to speak on his behalf. After the fact, he said he'd only have sex with condoms with others, but in the past he's lied about it and I can't take the chance with the health of others. It is, what is is. I had hoped we could regain the sexual part of our marriage and the health of the marriage in general, but it's not looking like that will happen. In the meantime, we are still friends enough to raise our kids, share finances, and be supportive of one another. I wouldn't say it's a happy arrangement, but it is functioning for now.

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