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-   -   Beginning exploration (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=654)

Anonymous 08-20-2009 03:27 PM

Beginning exploration
Hello all,
My wife and I (married 3 years, dating 2 years prior) have always been open to discussing different... lifestyles. Though we have discussed swinging in the past, we avoided furthering the discussion for various reasons. About 2 months ago, I read an article about polyamory (which I had never heard of) and realized that, in some way, we were already experiencing it.
My wife has developed a friendship over the last 8 months with a coworker. The two have grown close, and while there have been difficult issues, we have been able to talk through them. I have never been worried that she is being untruthful about the dynamic (other than mild instances of jealosy, which I rationalize as normal human behavior), and at each turn, we have become more aware and open with each others feelings. We both feel much closer for having gone through this.
After reading about polyamory, we realized that she was already engaging in the practice emotionally and decided to open the discussion to furthering her relationship. Some tough but construcive conversation has occured, but she has now spoken to her friend about the prospect of intimately developing their relationship.
In our own discussions, we have considered guidelines, priorities, potential problems and benfits. We intend to move forward with gentle hands and open minds. My main concern is that her "secondary" (did I use that correctly?) understands all aspects of this: the maturity level required, the discreteness desired, the commitment priorities, etc. Neither of us want to take the next step unless he is fully aware of what is means, so we have agreed to continue as is, while giving the concept time to digest and allow for further constructive dialog.
My wife and I have also considered the possibilty that I could develop a secondary relationship, and we are both, at this time, comfortable with the possibility. In the little I've read, it seems that this is less common than a triad, but I have begun to realize that, in this community, it's really about what makes us happy, and I like that. However, I have chosen not to jump on the bandwagon just yet. I know there will be some new challenges, just with her relationship, and I do not want to detract from the excitement and newness of her (...our) experience. We think it best to see how one secondary works, before complicating the situation any more. This one fact is what has kept me comfortable thus far. The guy in me says "Go out an explore!" But the husband in me recognizes that I am comfortable if that never happens, and my main concern is my wife's happiness. I think there's something to that, when you really mean it. In fact, the experience so far has really helped us learn to put each other first in all aspects of our lives.
So there's my introduction. I look forward to any responses or advice that anyone will give. I'm also excited about the opportunity to discuss this situation as it develops. I can't explain how excited I was to find this forum!

Here's to exploring things outside societal norms!


River 08-20-2009 03:46 PM



Originally Posted by Anonymous (Post 5146)
I can't explain how excited I was to find this forum!

Yes, this forum is becoming quite a significant web-space in the polyamory world. I think www.polyamory.com is either unique or nearly so, in that it has a strong international character and is very general and broad in the scope of its topics. Most other online polyamory forums are more geographically focussed, or otherwise limited in focus. So we have a good little niche here! Welcome!

Rarechild 08-20-2009 03:48 PM

Hello and Welcome
Your wife is a lucky gal. Your concern for her happiness is really touching. It seems you both have your heads on straight and are moving forward in a very loving way at a pace that works for you. I hope you will find the support that you are looking for here,- there are many really wonderful, genuine people on this forum.

And here, here! I am also easing into this way of thinking and going through all of those challenging but beautiful conversations with my own husband. I feel the same way- if it doesn't end up working out, I'll feel content with the powerful closeness and self-knowledge that he and I have experienced just by trusting each other enough to explore it together.

Out of curiosity, which article was it? There has been much discussion on here about the way that the world is effected through people speaking out about poly in different ways.

It seems you and your wife are an example of how someone else speaking out gives others the seed to explore their own feelings and the comfort of putting a name to it, knowing you are not alone.

redsirenn 08-20-2009 04:18 PM

Welcome from me as well!

vandalin 08-20-2009 04:33 PM

Welcome to the forums!

Anonymous 08-20-2009 04:57 PM

The article...
It was "Polyamory: The Next Sexual Revolution?"


It was very tasteful and highlights a triad that has developed into a... Quint? (5 people with the triad as the foundation.) It made me realize right away that these relationships are all about putting others first, and how, when you do that, your own needs are inherently met because everyone is less selfish.

And thank you for the "welcomes" everyone. It's encouraging to see quick responses when embarking on such a new and strange journey.

MonoVCPHG 08-20-2009 05:22 PM

Welcome and I love your honesty and caring for each other! :D

aussielover 08-20-2009 06:46 PM

Welcome!! Sounds like you've done a lot of thinking and heading into this knowing how much you can handle at once. Good luck to you! Your wife is indeed a lucky woman

CaityandBen 08-20-2009 09:54 PM

yay! more crazy people to join us!! i'm still looking for my third. We want a triad uber bad...
So have you thought of looking for your secondary or have anyone in mind?

Anonymous 08-20-2009 11:03 PM


Originally Posted by CaityandBen (Post 5168)
yay! more crazy people to join us!! i'm still looking for my third. We want a triad uber bad...
So have you thought of looking for your secondary or have anyone in mind?

My wife is currently exploring with a secondary, but it hasn't progressed past the emotional/friendship phase yet. They have been friends for about 8 months and she only recently discussed becoming more intimate. The good thing is that we are all on the same page and agree that we need to let him digest the weight of the situation before actually taking that next step. It may seem drawn out, but my wife and him both come from fairly conservative backgrounds, while mine is much more liberal.

As for me, I've poked around on polymatchmaker.com just to see what the range of people is, with a mild interest in finding someone to start a friendship with. Unfortunately, not many people in my area. I'm in no rush, if it happens for me, it will happen at the right time, and I don't want to put any undue emotional stress on my wife, while she is exploring with her first secondary... I do look forward to the possibility, though, and hope that one day I will find someone I feel comfortable with.

Good luck with your endeavors, I hope you find what you're looking for. I'm learning very quickly that it needs to be someone that puts others needs before themselves, at least in my case; and thankfully, for us, that's what we have right now. I won't move forward for myself unless I feel that same way about my potential secondary.

Anonymous :D

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