Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   I am monogamous and my g/f is polyamorous. I don't know how to handle this... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=65373)

8bit0reo 11-27-2013 05:47 PM

I am monogamous and my g/f is polyamorous. I don't know how to handle this...
 
So long story short, my g/f (now ex-g/f) became a poly during our monogamous relationship of 3 months. I know this sounds like insignificant amount of dating time and nothing to get "worked up over," but its not about letting go of her, but accepting the fact that she is now dating my roommate and friend who told us about polyamory to begin with.
Obviously, she was sold--quickly. I, however, was not and still am not. Not because I am not open-minded or believe monogamy is the ideal relationship, but because I wasn't educated enough to understand the functions of a polyamorous relationship and how to exercise it responsibly.
To be fair, I did discuss with her during our monogamous relationship that if things were not going to work out between us, then I think it would be fine to talk about polyamory as sort of an "experimental trial." However, I never mentioned that my roommate would be an acceptable "secondary" or heard a single peep from her that our relationship is having any serious problems that polyamory can solve. And the key to a successful polyamorous relationship is communication, no?
I understand that she should have the freedom to date who she chooses, but to jump into a relationship with my roommate/friend just to avoid any conflict (her lack of communication leaves me to assume this)? How does a monogamous person handle that? I wasn't ready for all of this and it seems forced upon me. Because she is dating my roommate, I am constantly reminded about how the entire situation unfolded, leaving me to feel betrayed--not jealous.
On a side note: Neither have I or she have read "The Ethical Slut" or much out-sourced material other than from what my roommate has told us. I don't consider him a liar, but even if he has been forward and honest about everything, it is still an appeal-to-authority for her to transition the way she did; leaving me to believe there were alternative motives involved. For example, she probably fantasized about having 2 boyfriends for selfish, unjustified, reasons rather than for her actual needs and the concerns of our relationship.
What should I do about this? All I want to do is to move on from this issue so I can get back to living life...I could move out, but that would risk losing my friendship with my roommate. I don't want to cause drama.

GalaGirl 11-27-2013 06:41 PM

Sigh. I'm sorry you deal in this. I agree with you. Much too fast, and not esp considerate. She sounds impulsive. Though the roomie sounds impulsive also -- it is in poor taste jumping into relationship with your GF without talking to you about it first. Makes living together hella awkward!

Jeez.

Quote:

All I want to do is to move on from this issue so I can get back to living life
If that is goal? GO FOR IT! Focus your behaviors on that goal.

EMOTIONAL & MENTAL HEALTH

I see it's stressy right now, but thinking hard stuff out, and feeling hard emotions isn't forever either. To improve those?

Seems easiest to break up with her, process a break up, and give yourself time to heal.

Could tell them they are free to date how they want but please tone it down around you for the next X weeks so you can adjust to your new reality. That's reasonable under the circumstances.
  • That means no kissyface in front of you in person or on phone where you can hear it. Go to HER place for overnights. Neither tells you their relationship joys or concerns.
  • They can kissyface and overnight wherever they want AFTER you have had you X weeks to adjust to your new reality. STILL don't be telling you their relationship joys or concerns until you feel ready/willing to hear it. (You can keep it to yourself if you NEVER want to hear it. Just tell THEM "I'll let you know when I'm ready...")

Then move on yourself to date someone less impulsive and more considerate of you when you have healed from the break up process.

FINANCIAL HEALTH

Your roomie goes for your GF without getting your goodwill or blessing. If you choose to move out because of the discomfort roomie created, how's that your fault or your behavior damaging the friendship? :confused:

Figure out what is best for your financial health. Not everyone can just suck up unexpected moving. If you can afford to and if you need to do it to improve your emotional and mental health and get away from these folks, do so. If you need to stay for a bit and THEN move -- do that. If staying works out, stay.

SPIRITUAL HEALTH

Stick to self-respecting behavior so you aren't dinged in your spiritual health, your core values, etc.

Could call it a bullet dodged for you and steer clear of the impulsive inconsiderate people? :o

Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. Dating is about finding compatible people. Sounds like "not impulsive, considerate" might be character traits you want in a dating partner.

Galagirl

Dagferi 11-27-2013 07:20 PM

First of all I have to say they are inconsiderate.. I would remove them from my life if that was me.

I believe being honest is key to a successful poly relationship. Communication can be done to death. There are somethings that can remain private. For example I do not share the nitty gritty of my relationships with my other partner.

I do not know who declared ethical slut as the Polyamory Bible. Guess what never have read it. Have no need to read it.

Honestly there is nothing wrong with saying hey my home is my safe zone. I do not need my ex under my nose and requesting they carry their relationship on elsewhere.

Norwegianpoly 11-28-2013 01:46 AM

Polyamory should not be used to fix flaws in a relationship.
Polyamory is not a trial relationship!
Poly works best if the starting relationship has a solid ground, ESPECIALLY if not both/all partners are famililar with polyamory
Communication is the key. Lying and omitting information is the acid that dissolves polyamory
Not all polyamorous "couples" let each other date whomever they choose. Many have some kind of boundries or rules, and these should be discussed PRIOR to embarking on any dating. All parties are responsible for initiating these types of discussions

Monogamous people handle relationships with poly's in different ways. Communication is even more vital then when all involved are poly.

It does not matter what motivation she had for embarking on the relationship (probably she just wanted the guy...). What matters is her conduct towards you, and your motivation for allowing her to start seeing others. This is not a do first, ask later-type of situation. She just seem impulsive, and your rom-mate may very well have gotten your permission directly from you.

You are not causing drama. They are. Take a healthy break, and get some new influence in your life.

For info on poly, I recomend "Upening up" by Tristan Toarmino. Mono-poly is one of her many subjects in the book. I re-read this book all the time.


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:35 AM.