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-   -   Getting the cake with a little less icing (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6504)

MonoVCPHG 02-08-2011 09:48 PM

Getting the cake with a little less icing
 
I'm using myself as an example to take on this thread:

Recently the issue of compromising on boundaries has come up for Redpepper and me. One of the ways I offered to create more freedom in her level of intimacy with Leo was for me to pull away from some group activities that we share as families. Admittedly, part of this is because I cannot effectively deal with the reality of how intimate they were and would like to continue being. Fair enough, like an Ostrich I burrow my head into the sand. I also know this would likely result in me being less active in a broader spectrum of poly environments/activities once again to avoid reminders or triggers which might make my issues around this topic flare. I think I would become more live in boyfriend with a separate/more introverted social life.

Essentially I would be stepping myself back into a more "secondary" role in order to deal with more openness for Redpepper. She would get something and I would get something. Compromise?

I have read of other posters on here who also want to be viewed as more secondary to cope with their partners other relationships. They too encounter resitance in the face of being asked to accept new relationships.

Yes, the dynamic of the relationship changes but it also changes with the addition of new partners. Is it "fair" to expect no change in current partner dynamics in light of the desire to change the dynamic by adding new ones?
Is it fair to ask existing partners to "not" change when they are themselves being asked to accept change?

If both people are getting some of what they want while still maintaining relationships that they both get something from...is that not feasible? Is that not what compromise is about?

I'd like to try to stay somewhat on target with this because I know there will be a tendency to ask "why don't you work on getting over this issue as opposed to avoiding it through stepping back". Been there…will be there again I am sure :o

Peace and Love
Mono

nycindie 02-08-2011 10:11 PM

Mono, what you're proposing sounds very reasonable to me. You are protecting your heart in the best way you know how, while still staying as connected as you know you can be in such a situation. If RP and Leo do move forward in their relationship, and you step back for them to do that, it doesn't mean you cannot become more engaged with the tribe at a later date. You might just need an adjustment period. People and relationships are fluid and you can ask to create what you want. The way you put it, about there being change happening on both sides of the equation, makes perfect sense to me.

I could be wrong but I thought Leo's wife didn't want them to move forward either? It seems there are challenges in this, from more than just you, but ultimately RP and Leo need to be clear about what they want. Want, not what they would consider fair. Then you have to look at what you want, and if they want to be together and stepping back is what you want, I don't see a problem.

MonoVCPHG 02-08-2011 11:45 PM

In all honesty stepping back is not what I want...but what I would need to do and none of us can predict what that would lead to. But at least it is something on the table to work with if they want to continue as they are. I'm trying LOL :o

SNeacail 02-08-2011 11:50 PM

Stepping back can sometimes be the only way to re-group ourselves in order to deal with the situation at hand. However, it all comes down to how far is too far or how far is far enough? When we offer up compromises we have to remember not to shut ourselves off to counter offers.

Sometimes I offer up a compromise and it gets accepted as "this is what I need/want", end of story, but now I'm misserable. What I really NEEDED, was more options, because my solution was too drastic. At the time, my head could not comprehend any other solution and the second party (my husband) was feeling too guilty to argue and accepted what I said I wanted.

I understand stepping back from activites they share as families, with the goal and understanding that this is only temporary. Some re-building might have to be done and new goals set. This doesn't necessarily mean that the entire dynamic of the relationship or how you interact within the immediate family needs to drastically change.

I think this is where I am, I'm in the process of rebuilding my relationship with my husband. While some may say that he really didn't have an affair, and other would say he did, the truth is trust was violated, boundries crossed and my families saftey was compromised. We both had decissions to make, we both had to decided how or if to move forward. In this process, I have learned a lot, but while this knocked us back for a while we are moving forward.

At first, I backed away from everything and everyone, it was very necessary, for a short while. Now I am carefully looking at what really needs to be added back and what was I doing simply out of obligation? I had to ask myself did I enjoy it or the people involved or was it causing more stress than it was worth? How was this stress effecting my relationship with my husband and children?

LovingRadiance 02-08-2011 11:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 65368)
Is it "fair" to expect no change in current partner dynamics in light of the desire to change the dynamic by adding new ones?

Is it fair to ask existing partners to "not" change when they are themselves being asked to accept change?

If both people are getting some of what they want while still maintaining relationships that they both get something from...is that not feasible?

Is that not what compromise is about?

I do not think it is fair to expect that current partner dynamics would have no change when adding new partners (which inevitably will bring change).
The fact is that life is ever-changing. Expecting ANY dynamic not to change in some manner during the course of life-is just asking to have life smack you in the face. It's expecting to be able to live with a "false front"...

The same holds true for the second question. No it's not fair to ask for someone to uphold the impossible test of maintaining the facade of a false front just because it makes one feel more secure.
It's impossible to guarantee no change in a world that is ever-changing. To ask someone else to give that guarantee is asking them to lie to you.

If both partners agree that the compromise is suitable, then it is certainly feasible.

That is my understanding of what compromise is about...

;)

WOW-I feel so smart! I got through the questions without thinking "WELL SHIT.."

:)

MonoVCPHG 02-09-2011 01:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 65381)
This doesn't necessarily mean that the entire dynamic of the relationship or how you interact within the immediate family needs to drastically change.

That was never a part of the compromise. I love and enjoy our extended family. I would continue to be the public face of poly for family and be just as active in that area I think. I didn't take the heat (and still take the heat) to achieve acceptance to walk away from that. I am the only partner most of the family knows about. To me that fight was worth it.

MonoVCPHG 02-09-2011 01:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 65382)
;)

WOW-I feel so smart! I got through the questions without thinking "WELL SHIT.."

:)

You're not just smart...your pretty ;)

redpepper 02-09-2011 02:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 65398)
You're not just smart...your pretty ;)

Um hellllllo?! I haven't read this thread yet, but seriously Mono.... I have to sit at one end of the couch sitting on my hands and you get to say this???? What the....? :p:D

(this is a joke, we are at least at the joking stage. Please note, a joke, I am not angry, I'm joking... :o)

Love you LR, :) you are a pretty lady! *flirt* (I'm allowed to flirt with the ladies :D:cool:)

LovingRadiance 02-09-2011 03:04 AM

RP-
you feel free to flirt with me. ;)

I need all the flirting I can get.

Thank you both for the vote in prettiness.

You guys are a couple of cuties too. XO

SNeacail 02-09-2011 03:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 65397)
That was never a part of the compromise. I love and enjoy our extended family. I would continue to be the public face of poly for family and be just as active in that area I think. I didn't take the heat (and still take the heat) to achieve acceptance to walk away from that. I am the only partner most of the family knows about. To me that fight was worth it.

I guess I just missunderstood your reference to "secondary" and "live-in-boyfriend". My bad


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