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-   -   work crush (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=650)

frudgens 08-19-2009 10:09 PM

work crush
 
hello everyone! i just joined and would love your opinions.

so. my boyfriend and i have been together for 2.5 years and we are both in love with each other, and extremely secure in our relationship. polyamory has become a recent topic of conversation (brought up by me), and he has said he is open to it and wants me to be happy. i'm not sure he's as into the idea as i am, but our communication has been fantastic. :)

meanwhile, i've had a crush on a guy i work with for 8 months. it's an intense crush -- i've had others but they usually only last a month or two. i know the crush is mutual, and I have definite romantic feelings for him at this point.

my questions are:

1. i've admitted to my boyfriend that i'm attracted to other people, but i've never said it specifically about my work crush. how do i bring this up in a way that is sensitive AND to the point? should i tell him who it is? should i remain vague? what are your thoughts on discretion, and what's the best way to negotiate ground rules?

2. assuming my boyfriend agrees that my specific polyamorous desires are ok with him, how should i broach the topic with my crush? he seems like a pretty monogamous-minded person, but i also know we have some seriously strong desire for each other, and you never know.


I don't really want to sleep with anyone else besides these two (although that might change), and I don't want them to meet each other. i don't know anyone else who's poly so all your tips are appreciated :) thanks!

redsirenn 08-19-2009 10:16 PM

Why don't you want them to meet each other? Knowledge can take away assumptions and fear...

frudgens 08-19-2009 10:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redsirenn (Post 5096)
Why don't you want them to meet each other? Knowledge can take away assumptions and fear...

Mostly because I think it would complicate things for them; not necessarily for me. I realize that that's an assumption, and I could be wrong. Actually they /did/ meet each other, or were at least in the same room, at a Christmas party last year, which is where I first saw the crush... they both know about each other's existence, I'm just not sure it would be a good idea for them to hang out.

Who's assumptions and fear do you think would be helped by them meeting? Everyone's? Theirs? Mine?

River 08-19-2009 10:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frudgens (Post 5095)
i'm not sure he's as into the idea as i am, but our communication has been fantastic. :)

First, Wecome to the forum!

Second, you'd better find out just how "into the idea" he is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by frudgens (Post 5095)
... and I don't want them to meet each other....

I'd call that a "red flag".

red flag - "2. to provoke the attention of; alert; arouse: The animal's refusal to eat red-flagged the keeper that something was wrong."
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/red-flag

If you don't want them to meet each other, that suggests to me that there is probably a fear or insecurity involved that you need to examine in yourself prior to taking any steps forward into polyamory. Please identify that fear or insecurity and report back.

River 08-19-2009 10:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frudgens (Post 5097)
Who's assumptions and fear do you think would be helped by them meeting? Everyone's? Theirs? Mine?

In my own personal opinion, genuine polyamory can only really work well when all parties involved know and like one another. They don't have to form a family, or deeply love one another -- platonically or otherwise -- (though this is probably preferable!), but they have to at least know and genuinely like one another if there is to be a good outcome.

When we let someone into our lives as loving partners, and they let us into their lives as the same, there is need to nurture and cultivate openness, honesty and trust. The mere fact that you wish to avoid having these two get to know one another is simply a "red flag". It suggests that you and/or they are not ready for this sort of relationship.

redpepper 08-20-2009 05:56 AM

They should definitely meet and be involved in each others life, there is really no other way if you all want to stay sane in the end.... Early days yet though! Your man needs to be in on your crush and then the pursuing can begin!

Have a good read around here, there has been lots on meeting each others partners and the importance.

MonoVCPHG 08-20-2009 06:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JRiverMartin (Post 5099)
In my own personal opinion, genuine polyamory can only really work well when all parties involved know and like one another.

When we let someone into our lives as loving partners, and they let us into their lives as the same, there is need to nurture and cultivate openness, honesty and trust. The mere fact that you wish to avoid having these two get to know one another is simply a "red flag". It suggests that you and/or they are not ready for this sort of relationship.

Agree and agree

XYZ123 08-20-2009 12:38 PM

Your partner needs to know who the "other" is as being poly and having a successful relationship depends on complete honesty. And, I agree, they should meet.

Fidelia 08-20-2009 02:10 PM

Hi. Welcome to the forum.

Other issues to consider are the ramifications of a workplace romance, which can be a can of worms even when multiple partners are not involved. A few of the many questions to consider:
Is there a company policy in place? If there is, I betcha polyamory isn't covered in it. This means you'll be in uncharted territory with your HR dept. Are you prepared to deal with that?
Are you prepared to be an ongoing topic of gossip and innuendo? Because you will be.
What if things go badly? He'll still be your co-worker, and you'll still see each other there. Will you be able to deal with that? Will he? Will your bf?

Consider carefully before you move forward. Workplace romance can fraught with peril. Proceed with caution. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

redpepper 08-21-2009 11:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fidelia (Post 5138)
Other issues to consider are the ramifications of a workplace romance, which can be a can of worms even when multiple partners are not involved

very good point, thanks for making it.... I made it a policy of mine never to involve myself with co-workers... WAAAAY to sticky. I haven't known it to be a smooth sail. And to put poly on top of that.... tricky.


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