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-   -   Exclusive for sex? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=65)

DPic 02-26-2009 12:41 AM

Exclusive for sex?

Sorry for the long message...i know this might be a burden but if you can help, or at least point me in the right directoin, i'd really appreciate it.

So both me and my girlfriend are new to polyamory. We have an interesting situation though. For reasons it would take forever to explain, she doesn't let herself get attracted to anyone. I'm the first person she's had feelings for since 6th grade (she's a sophomore in high school now and i'm a senior). For some reason, she doesn't even know why, she likes the idea of polyamory, and is happy with it even though she probably wouldn't take advantage of it, BUT she wants to be exclusive for sex. As in, if i'm having sex with her, she doesn't want me having sex with anybody else, or if i'm having sex with others, she doesn't want to be having sex with me (not not at the same time, but during the same time period =P). I completely understand her feelings because before i'd considered the idea of polyamory, i used to be very jealous, etc.

It wouldn't be hard for me to give up sex with others (i've only been involved with one other person so far), but it would feel unnatural to me and i really like the concept of polyamory. Until we figured things out more, i told her that i'd be exclusive with her for sex (but it'll probably be completely exclusive for now, not just for sex). We talked a lot about it but she doesn't know how she feels. She has a lot of trouble understanding herself. She thought for a while about whether she thought it was jealousy, but she didn't think she was at all. I would be able and willing to give up polyamory for her...but it wouldn't feel natural to me, and she doesn't want that either. She wants to be polyamorous, but for some reason isn't 100% down with it.

So, do you have any suggestions? Anything to make her more comfortable with it or any ideas on how to understand her feelings?


Keith 02-27-2009 07:44 PM

Welcome to the forums.

To me it sounds almost as if she's only OK with polyamory because she wants to make you happy. Sex is a very important part of any relationship and you may have a hard time satisfying a partner if you can't satisfy them sexually as well as mentally/emotionally.

If she can't figure out why she can't share you "completely" with someone else then polyamory may not be for her. It would be unfair to bring someone else into the relationship if you can't completely fulfil their needs as well. One of the biggest reasons polyamory fails (from my observations) is because a partner doesn't feel like their needs are met.

If she can work through that and share you completely, then you may have a fighting chance. As always though, practise safe sex.

AutumnalTone 02-27-2009 08:47 PM

I think Keith has the right of it, in that she isn't really ready for a poly relationship. The whole "you can only have sex with me" rings of insecurity and is often used as a method of controlling a partner.

That said, there are folks who have that sort of arrangement. The difference between what you've described and what those folks have lies in the realm of maturity. They know themselves well enough to negotiate the terms of their relationships with solid understanding of what's involved. As you've described it, your girlfriend doesn't know herself well enough to engage in that sort of negotiation.

It sounds to me like she's OK with you having other close female companions and just scared that you'll leave her if you have sex with one of them. Or she's bought into the childish notion that if you really love her you wouldn't want to have sex with somebody else.

I'll suggest that you simply take enough time for both of you to get to know yourselves and deal with your own baggage--insecurities and such--before worrying about adding anybody else to the equation.

Keith 02-27-2009 08:56 PM

I agree with Seventh Crow and I also have another thought.

Sex in general can also be a very new and unexplored subject in high school, especially the lower grades. At that point in someone's life, there's a good chance that they aren't completely comfortable with sex IN GENERAL, let alone sex with multiple people.

This tends to be a little more difficult for young women as well because they tend to be a little more emotional or attached when it comes to sex with someone.

This may or may not be the case with her, but its something to think about. She may just need to become more comfortable with sex in general before she's comfortable sharing that part of herself and/or her lover with someone else.

As always, use safe sex practices. You don't want to be a daddy yet, and its a very bad thing to infect your partner with an STD you caught from another partner.

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