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-   -   So. A little envious? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=647)

Macbeth 08-19-2009 04:36 AM

So. A little envious?
 
If you've read Lady Macbeth's post, you are aware that in a very short period of time she's been able to bring a relationship online. I'm really very happy for her, and she had an amazingly simple, almost pre-set situation.

I don't.

Not only do I not, I can't think of any that may present themselves. We talked about posting a personals ad, which my wife actually did for me on Craigslist (scary!), and even got a couple of promising responses, but I've quickly come to the realization that I don't want to go about it that way. It feels very forced to me.

So, for the time being, I'm stuck being a mono. That's not what either of us want, but it's looking like it may be the case for the foreseeable future.

My main feeling in this regard is envy, and that is not even THAT strong right now. Essentially, I'm happy that she is getting to explore this new relationship, but it's a little frustrating that I don't get to have the same experience. Yes, I get to talk to her about it, but that's still third person.

So . . . I'd like to hear from other folks who have been in my place. Any words of encouragement?

Thanks . . .

Mac

vandalin 08-19-2009 05:41 AM

Craigslist? ew yuck patooey
lol
There are definitely better places to look. Try www.polymatchmakers.com. I found out about them through here actually and they are set up like a forum but also have the matchmaking search engines to go through profiles. It's free so it wouldn't hurt. And if anything, you might make some more new friends on the forums like you have here. :)

NeonKaos 08-19-2009 01:01 PM

Ya I agree Craigslist is too forced. It may be alright for swinging/sex connections, but if that's not what you're into then I would explore other options.

Quath 08-19-2009 01:24 PM

I think you just have to do what single people do. Go out and network. Join a hobby group and talk to people. There are some hobbies that are more likely to be poly friendly than others. Like sci-fi, pagan and alternative sex groups are very poly friendly.

Or find a semi-local poly group in your area and visit them. But go with the idea of being friends. Let it develop into a relationship. You don't want to be that creepy guy sizing everyone up.

It is also not the worst thing if it takes you longer to find someone to date. It will pay long term for you to be more picky about who you date.

Good luck.

redpepper 08-19-2009 02:40 PM

My husband was also envious of my sucess over finding mono. It really did work to go out there and meet people, work on his own stuff and slowly be a part of the local poly community. It worked for all of us in the end to find like minded people and now he has all kinds of prospects.

redpepper 08-19-2009 04:11 PM

Talked to my husband as we drove to work today. He really suggested that you all take baby steps. He reminded me of the upheaval when reality set in after awhile and I really got caught up in NRE. One new relationship at a time is best as eventually it all gets complicated and there needs to be some space and time. There won't be any if you are both new to poly and in new relationships.

He suggested that you use your new found alone time to work on yourself, as I said before. He said it is like being a bachelor again in away and that takes adjusting to.

"Small bites" into poly for him made for greater comfort and stability in the long run.

Catfish 08-19-2009 05:51 PM

meeeeee too
 
I am in the same boat. My wife, Rarechild, recently went on a quasi-date for the first time since we started talking about this. I experienced some small pangs of jealousy, but mostly envy that I wasn't as actualized in this arena as easily as she has been. I guess I'm still having trouble getting out there because I haven't completely let go of the feeling that I'm doing something wrong when I approach other women. So far, I've looked around online and we've discussed one friend that I've had for many years, but there are some contentious feelings that arise whenever we talk about her, so that one's on the way back burner.

I wish I had answers on this one, but we're just too new to this lifestyle. I am very interested to see some answers from the more experienced members.

Keep the faith,
Catfish

Ceoli 08-19-2009 06:04 PM

It's funny, because I'm looking at all of you guys and thinking "Well, at least you're going into this with partners who support you"

I don't have anyone to date at the moment and no partner to support me in my journey. So there's where my envy lies.

River 08-19-2009 06:14 PM

Down to your toes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by damncatfish (Post 5068)
.... I haven't completely let go of the feeling that I'm doing something wrong when I approach other women....

I recommend examining this feeling, and any associated sub- or semi-conscious thoughts, as deeply and thoroughy as you are able. Seriously, set aside some quiet time; maybe even keep a pencil and paper handy..., and look very carefully at what's going on within you. Think of it as an archaeological dig. Find burried thingies down there, carefully -- don't damage them! Dust them off with care and compassion and curiosity and patience. Then examine the mysterious thingies until you know them well. That's part A. Part B should arise out of successfully working part A. So I won't even mention part B just now. I'll just say about part B that you may find yourself changing your mind -- but all the way down to your toes.:D

foxflame88 08-19-2009 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ceoli (Post 5069)
It's funny, because I'm looking at all of you guys and thinking "Well, at least you're going into this with partners who support you"

I don't have anyone to date at the moment and no partner to support me in my journey. So there's where my envy lies.

I'm in the same boat.


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