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-   -   Rebounding - is it the same for poly's as mono's (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=64696)

alibabe_muse 11-23-2013 06:56 PM

Rebounding - is it the same for poly's as mono's
 
I was writing in my blog about meeting my metamour's husband tomorrow who happens to be transitioning with his girlfriend (she's breaking up) and the thought crossed my mind I'm leary of being the "rebound".

Is that even possible for us who are poly to rebound like a devastated mono break up does? It seems strange if the one who is getting broken up with has been actively looking for additional relationships. Like how could that person be rebounding if he was already looking for more loved ones. OR is rebounding just a natural part of being human and we all experience it whether mono or not?

I'd say when I crush hard, it isn't returned and it ends, I mourn that loss but within a week, I'm back to where I was before that and savor the experience as one to learn from. I would say when I start chatting with 3 or more guys I am doing my rebounding...and then am ready to start dating. I haven't had a long term relationship end in many many years. My rebounding is from short term life events.

Any thoughts on this. I would like this to turn into a discussion. I am not looking for advice, only opinions and experiences.:rolleyes:

london 11-23-2013 07:35 PM

I think that rebounding is when a person tries to replace a lost relationship with another that remotely resembles it, or looks like it could. It looks like it will fill the gap.

I don't think this is a "mono problem" although a poly person has the benefit of having at least some of their needs met by existing partners. Assuming they have existing partners. An easy example of this would be sex. A monogamous person breaks up and they usually go from some sex to no sex. A poly person will go from quite a bit of sex to some sex.

Supposing a poly person had a vanilla spouse and a kinky girlfriend and then broke up with the kinky girlfriend, they might rebound with the next kinky girl they meet. That rebound relationship is exactly the same as a monogamous rebound would be except for the fact any extreme negative consequences of rebound relationships could affect that other relationship. One consequence I can pick off the top of ky head would be jumping into a rebound relationship with a crazy cowgirl because the "rebound" aspect of the relationship has compromised your character judgement.

Saying that, I always have my OKC profile active, right? So if and when I did break up, I was still habitually using the site. Does that mean anyone I spoke to after my break up was a potential "rebound"? No, I think. Simply because as happy as I was in that relationship with that person, I was and am still looking for something different to that. I think a rebound relationship has to have elements that the rebounder feels fills the gap of the lost relationship. Even if it's just sex.

LovingRadiance 11-23-2013 07:39 PM

In my opinion, yes.
I think rebounding has nothing to do with relationship style and everything to do with whether or not we take whatever time we need to process the change-and that can be different for different people AND different in different circumstances.
But-there's NO DOUBT that Maca rebounded from the loss of his 2 yr long relationship (she moved away), into an unhealthy disaster because that feeling of "omg I'm going to be alone" just morphed into "now I will only have one partner".
Same problems-just a slightly different wording to make the emotions "excusable" to our own minds.

ICanBeStunning 11-23-2013 07:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alibabe_muse (Post 249236)
rebounding just a natural part of being human and we all experience it whether mono or not

I think you answered your own question there. I find that rebounding happens whether you're poly or mono.

Sure poly people tend to be open to romance with multiple people, but when we lose romantic connections they still hurt. Even if we have romantic connections with others in that time frame.

alibabe_muse 11-23-2013 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ICanBeStunning (Post 249249)
I think you answered your own question there. I find that rebounding happens whether you're poly or mono.

Sure poly people tend to be open to romance with multiple people, but when we lose romantic connections they still hurt. Even if we have romantic connections with others in that time frame.

I usually answer my question as I write it out. Basically it's our nature to rebound no matter what love choice we live by. True the time frame of getting over a loss is dependent on who we are individually.

nycindie 11-23-2013 11:40 PM

If my heart gets broken, it hurts. If I am living polyamorously and have other relationships, it just means there is possibly (though not necessarily!) more of a compassionate network there for me to find comfort in as I deal with the hurt. Poly doesn't automatically prevent me from feeling all that grief and heartache.

I think of rebounding as getting into another relationship right away to avoid that hurt and all the feelings of sadness surrounding the loss.

My heart breaks whether poly or mono. I can rebound whether poly or mono.

Rebounding technically means "bouncing back," which isn't always a bad thing - we can bounce back into living a full life after a period of mourning - but the term has come to be known as some kind of avoidance when it has to do with relationships. We've been taught that we never want to be involved with someone "on the rebound." But is it always something that will be disastrous if we do? No, of course not.

As with any human relationship, awareness is key to being able to handle the ups and downs, and possible consequences, whether a partner is collapsing from grief or pretending not to feel it.

alibabe_muse 11-24-2013 12:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 249305)
Rebounding technically means "bouncing back," which isn't always a bad thing - we can bounce back into living a full life after a period of mourning - but the term has come to be known as some kind of avoidance when it has to do with relationships. We've been taught that we never want to be involved with someone "on the rebound." But is it always something that will be disastrous if we do? No, of course not.

As with any human relationship, awareness is key to being able to handle the ups and downs, and possible consequences, whether a partner is collapsing from grief or pretending not to feel it.

I like that aspect of thinking more positively about the term "rebound". That testing the waters with some one who could be rebounding is a positive opportunity to form a wonderful relationship and why pass up a chance due to what we're (some of us) ingrained with thinking, about a word.

Your last paragraph hits home to what I want to be more aware of in a partner, hopefully being able to recognize their grief whether it's overwhelming or he/she is ignoring it.

Ariakas 11-24-2013 02:46 AM

I am someone who rebounds. It has absolutely nothing to do with replacing the relationship. It has to do with.. moving on. It creates a disconnect between me and the previous lover. It occupies a time and space during the mourning period.. oh and of course its fun as hell.

Only in this world have I heard of it as a relationship replacement. Its usually just a way to get out from under the mourning of a relationship loss.

I would be extremely hesitant to start a relationship with a rebound. Too much overflowing emotion to really trust my feelings. I trust one set of personal rules since starting poly, I very rarely love.. I often crush.. and when I rebound, its best just to let that devil lie.

And yes, those I am rebounding with do know.. I am not hiding the fact I am there for sex. Consensual fun short term sex..

Ariakas 11-24-2013 03:10 AM

Didnt really answer the question. Yes for me it is the same.

london 11-24-2013 10:20 AM

Yeah. I don't necessarily think of rebounding as an inherently bad thing but there are risks to a rebound relationship like all types of relationships have their own risks.

Quote:

I am someone who rebounds. It has absolutely nothing to do with replacing the relationship. It has to do with.. moving on. It creates a disconnect between me and the previous lover. It occupies a time and space during the mourning period.. oh and of course its fun as hell.

Only in this world have I heard of it as a relationship replacement. Its usually just a way to get out from under the mourning of a relationship loss.

I would be extremely hesitant to start a relationship with a rebound. Too much overflowing emotion to really trust my feelings. I trust one set of personal rules since starting poly, I very rarely love.. I often crush.. and when I rebound, its best just to let that devil lie.

And yes, those I am rebounding with do know.. I am not hiding the fact I am there for sex. Consensual fun short term sex..
I think most of this post contradicts itself.


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